Thursday, June 29, 2006

Main aisa kyun hoon ?

I am beginning to crib about the number of coffee machines at office , worry if I am spending too much of my salary on cellphone bills , and loving dilbert strips. So I guess I am a typical indian working guy by now .And when a typical indian working guy is required to take out time from his killer schedule just to complete a tag , you can't blame him for cursing the guy who tagged him . Displaying no trace of humanity , it's Sudipta who has tagged me this time . The tag is called 'weird' tag . I need to write down 5 'weird' things about myself . Now the very concept sounds confusing to me .Like I said earlier, eating with hands is the real happening thing here at Kerala . So I go to this eating joint called 'Unnikrishnan Hotel' and order a veg meal . The waiter comes in and places a big thali before me with a lot of stuff in it . Just as the waiter is turning around to go back to the kitchen , I say 'Chetta* ! Spoon ? ". The waiter almost drops the jug of water he is carrying , his mouth opens enough to let in a couple of mopeds and he looks at me like I just asked for his wife's saree . So while my asking for a spoon is 'not weird' for me , my asking for a spoon gives him serious doubts about me belonging to a species called the homo sapiens. So you see the entire problem about defining 'weird' ? However , I guess I will take a chance and put down things which will make my mom go 'Uffffff !!! This boy needs a wife to take care of him".

* Chetta = Brother . See , now this blog serves as a 'Complete idiot's guide to learning malayalam' too .

1. I am very absent minded . Things are improving though . It was very bad when I was a kid . Once we went to a temple . I was 11 years old maybe . Like any hindu guy with no contacts in bajrang dal , I had to take off my sandals before entering it . Later , I come out of the temple , put on my sandals , walk upto the car , slip off my sandals , get into the car , and dad drives us home . And those were real costly sandals . Our family skipped dinner for a week and my dad worked overtime and mom came close to selling off her mangalsootra to buy me those sandals .Now I wear a pair of reeboks which cost dad seventeen hundred bucks .And my dad sends four well fed men with me whenver I wear them to a temple.

2. Now , my parents are doctors . So I have had a childhood where I was given red and yellow capsules to play with when I cried for toys . I still undergo blood tests and all the stuff with such alarming regularity that every diagnostic lab technician in gurgaon knows me as the 'bloody' guy . At home , our dinner table talk features more of blood transfusions and wound stitches than 'pass the pickle , please' . And defying every expected trait of a doctor's son , I faint at the sight of blood .I see blood and my head starts spinning , building up speed till it gets dark and I go down . And a couple of months back , this thing entered the realm of fake blood . I was watching 'million dollar baby' and as a particularly flowery gash opened up on sandra bullock's* nose , I felt dizzy and had to switch off the movie and lie down . I hope the 'disease' doesnt spill over to other things that look like blood , else you may find me sprawled near the tomato ketchup racks in some supermarket .
* Remembered later , thanks to surrieal - It was Hillary Swank and not Sandra Bullock. The things work does to your filmy memory. Atleast I remember it was Aamir khan in DDLJ.
3. I can't tie shoe laces . Plain and neat . Ask me to marry Himesh Reshammiya , but dont ask me to tie my shoe laces . I guess god gave me real fine fingers which are meant to paint , type , pull a trigger , tap , scratch , point , and do every decent thing a finger can do , but not tie shoe laces . Atleast five times a day , I am told 'Hey your shoe laces are untied , you may want to tie them up' and I say 'I just had a real complex back surgery and am not to bend down . So this is the way my laces stay these days . You can't fight your body , eh ? '. My dream world would have chappals , floaters , sandals , hunter boots , but no shoe laces .
4. I have embarassingly low hair density on my arms . And to make things worse , I am a guy . Actually , I think it's unfair . Girls make their dads take up smuggling to pay for their daughter's waxings while we guys need to have a minimum of hair on our arms and legs . I mean , if a clean arm looks good on a girl , why should a guy's arm look like a porcupine's back ? People throw phrases such as 'chikna' or 'You sold your arm hairs?' or 'You need more testosterone , man' at me because of my arms . I plan to marry a real hairy , bear like , anil kapoor-ish girl someday , so that one day , my son will be able to put up his hair carpeted arms and say ' Anyone needs some extra testosterone ? '.

5. I can mimic quite some people . Shahrukh Khan . Saif Ali Khan . Amitabh Bacchan . Prithiviraaj Kapoor . Sunny Deol . Even a bit of Hema Malini .Not that I can call up Gauri Khan and she will say "aaj shooting se jaldi wapas aana , maine gajar ka halwa banaya hain' . But still , you will know I am trying to mimic Shahrukh when I am trying to do that . I guess I just have a more than average control over my vocal chords .Recently , I have learnt to do this telebrand thing where the naked firangs say things such as 'Pehle mera wazan bahot ziyaada tha' , 'Fir mere dost tony ne mujhe is kamaaaal kee masheeen ke baare mein bataaya' and stuff in a deep hindi drawl . I just need to polish up the Mamooty** voice now , and the kerala girls will be going crazy over this hot delhi dude with the voice of their favorite hero , and on a more honest note , with the looks of their favorite villain.

**Mamooty = You stoopeed northie ! He is one of the top actors of Malayalam movies ! Personally , I think his face looks like a well mixed blend of Kader Khan and the lift operator at my apartment .No offence to his fans , but my heart cries for the heroines he cuddles with in his movies .

I guess this is it . I guess I have to tag 5 people who haven't done this already , but I am not a cruel guy by nature . So now I will sprout my little angel wings , release some white doves towards the horizon , flutter my eyelashes and whisper , 'If you are reading this , have a decent internet connection , fingers in working condition , no nose picking cyber cafe wallah leaning over you , and enough coffee to keep you going , you are passed this tag'. I got Mother Teresa's heart in my chest , eh ?

Friday, June 23, 2006

Shahrukh out . Mohanlaal rules.

Life has a mind of its own , and a pretty crazy mind at that . Just when I thought I should pick up a few table manners for the larger good of the society , I find myself at a place where it's the tradition to eat with hands with the sambar dripping off the left elbow . Ernakulam . The name may sound like something founded by a drunk monkey choking on a bone , but the place actually is pretty .The view from the living room balcony is a harbour complete with a big ship which is stationed there over the last three days . And I mean a proper ship . Like the one in Titanic , with the deck and the rooms and the name on its side and a flag and all that . Yeah , the language is a problem , but I bought a 'Learn malayalam in 30 days' pocket book today . That should help me out in real emergencies like trying to shout 'help' while drowning or asking the way to the nearest public toilet . And in here , you may not know daddy's first name , but you cant escape this actor called mohanlaal . The roads and magazines are crazy with his posters and hoardings and photographs . I half expected to find his life sized cut out in the apartment's bathroom .By the way , the apartment I have been given is really cool . Three air conditioners . Washing machine . Microwave oven . All that jazz . In fact , my mind is all muddled up right now with so many things to say that I am like "Do I write about the christian shopkeeper I met yesterday or the gang of schoolgirls who giggled to see me struggling to utter a bit of malayalam ?". So I guess I will get up and fish for dinner now . Basically , this was just to let my friends know that I still remember I used to blog once . I need to go out and find some hotel for my dinner now . And this time , I plan to start eating with my hands .