Thursday, June 29, 2006

Main aisa kyun hoon ?

I am beginning to crib about the number of coffee machines at office , worry if I am spending too much of my salary on cellphone bills , and loving dilbert strips. So I guess I am a typical indian working guy by now .And when a typical indian working guy is required to take out time from his killer schedule just to complete a tag , you can't blame him for cursing the guy who tagged him . Displaying no trace of humanity , it's Sudipta who has tagged me this time . The tag is called 'weird' tag . I need to write down 5 'weird' things about myself . Now the very concept sounds confusing to me .Like I said earlier, eating with hands is the real happening thing here at Kerala . So I go to this eating joint called 'Unnikrishnan Hotel' and order a veg meal . The waiter comes in and places a big thali before me with a lot of stuff in it . Just as the waiter is turning around to go back to the kitchen , I say 'Chetta* ! Spoon ? ". The waiter almost drops the jug of water he is carrying , his mouth opens enough to let in a couple of mopeds and he looks at me like I just asked for his wife's saree . So while my asking for a spoon is 'not weird' for me , my asking for a spoon gives him serious doubts about me belonging to a species called the homo sapiens. So you see the entire problem about defining 'weird' ? However , I guess I will take a chance and put down things which will make my mom go 'Uffffff !!! This boy needs a wife to take care of him".

* Chetta = Brother . See , now this blog serves as a 'Complete idiot's guide to learning malayalam' too .


1. I am very absent minded . Things are improving though . It was very bad when I was a kid . Once we went to a temple . I was 11 years old maybe . Like any hindu guy with no contacts in bajrang dal , I had to take off my sandals before entering it . Later , I come out of the temple , put on my sandals , walk upto the car , slip off my sandals , get into the car , and dad drives us home . And those were real costly sandals . Our family skipped dinner for a week and my dad worked overtime and mom came close to selling off her mangalsootra to buy me those sandals .Now I wear a pair of reeboks which cost dad seventeen hundred bucks .And my dad sends four well fed men with me whenver I wear them to a temple.

2. Now , my parents are doctors . So I have had a childhood where I was given red and yellow capsules to play with when I cried for toys . I still undergo blood tests and all the stuff with such alarming regularity that every diagnostic lab technician in gurgaon knows me as the 'bloody' guy . At home , our dinner table talk features more of blood transfusions and wound stitches than 'pass the pickle , please' . And defying every expected trait of a doctor's son , I faint at the sight of blood .I see blood and my head starts spinning , building up speed till it gets dark and I go down . And a couple of months back , this thing entered the realm of fake blood . I was watching 'million dollar baby' and as a particularly flowery gash opened up on sandra bullock's* nose , I felt dizzy and had to switch off the movie and lie down . I hope the 'disease' doesnt spill over to other things that look like blood , else you may find me sprawled near the tomato ketchup racks in some supermarket .
* Remembered later , thanks to surrieal - It was Hillary Swank and not Sandra Bullock. The things work does to your filmy memory. Atleast I remember it was Aamir khan in DDLJ.
3. I can't tie shoe laces . Plain and neat . Ask me to marry Himesh Reshammiya , but dont ask me to tie my shoe laces . I guess god gave me real fine fingers which are meant to paint , type , pull a trigger , tap , scratch , point , and do every decent thing a finger can do , but not tie shoe laces . Atleast five times a day , I am told 'Hey your shoe laces are untied , you may want to tie them up' and I say 'I just had a real complex back surgery and am not to bend down . So this is the way my laces stay these days . You can't fight your body , eh ? '. My dream world would have chappals , floaters , sandals , hunter boots , but no shoe laces .
4. I have embarassingly low hair density on my arms . And to make things worse , I am a guy . Actually , I think it's unfair . Girls make their dads take up smuggling to pay for their daughter's waxings while we guys need to have a minimum of hair on our arms and legs . I mean , if a clean arm looks good on a girl , why should a guy's arm look like a porcupine's back ? People throw phrases such as 'chikna' or 'You sold your arm hairs?' or 'You need more testosterone , man' at me because of my arms . I plan to marry a real hairy , bear like , anil kapoor-ish girl someday , so that one day , my son will be able to put up his hair carpeted arms and say ' Anyone needs some extra testosterone ? '.

5. I can mimic quite some people . Shahrukh Khan . Saif Ali Khan . Amitabh Bacchan . Prithiviraaj Kapoor . Sunny Deol . Even a bit of Hema Malini .Not that I can call up Gauri Khan and she will say "aaj shooting se jaldi wapas aana , maine gajar ka halwa banaya hain' . But still , you will know I am trying to mimic Shahrukh when I am trying to do that . I guess I just have a more than average control over my vocal chords .Recently , I have learnt to do this telebrand thing where the naked firangs say things such as 'Pehle mera wazan bahot ziyaada tha' , 'Fir mere dost tony ne mujhe is kamaaaal kee masheeen ke baare mein bataaya' and stuff in a deep hindi drawl . I just need to polish up the Mamooty** voice now , and the kerala girls will be going crazy over this hot delhi dude with the voice of their favorite hero , and on a more honest note , with the looks of their favorite villain.

**Mamooty = You stoopeed northie ! He is one of the top actors of Malayalam movies ! Personally , I think his face looks like a well mixed blend of Kader Khan and the lift operator at my apartment .No offence to his fans , but my heart cries for the heroines he cuddles with in his movies .

I guess this is it . I guess I have to tag 5 people who haven't done this already , but I am not a cruel guy by nature . So now I will sprout my little angel wings , release some white doves towards the horizon , flutter my eyelashes and whisper , 'If you are reading this , have a decent internet connection , fingers in working condition , no nose picking cyber cafe wallah leaning over you , and enough coffee to keep you going , you are passed this tag'. I got Mother Teresa's heart in my chest , eh ?

56 comments:

Joe said...

I can't believe this. I am first??? Really?? Am I?

joe/

Joe said...

I am reading your posts for quite some time now. Each time I think of posting a comment here, there would be atleast 30-40 already there and then I would think I'll post a comment for your next post. And the same thing happens for the next post.

Now that I am first here..wanted to say .. Man, your posts ROCK!!

joe/

surieal said...

my first comment on this blog...
i think u wud have been a comrade yur last life..god choses very few to take them to Bangaal n then Kerala ;-)
cool post again.. but i think that was Hillary Swank in Milion Dollar Baby..weird eh? :)

Anonymous said...

Okay then! First time around commenting here and technically speaking I am the third 'person' to post here! Lemme do my jingalala jig now :)
Great post! Esp. the fourth point had me ROTFL! Cos me too have heard the same things said for me!

- Lavin

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Anonymous said...

You rock, dude. First time posting, started visting recently, and a regular now. One day, I am going to publish a book with you. So, keep posting here. That is the only way for me to reach you. ;-) Welcome to south and go easy on Mammooty. He is a fine actor. I agree with you on the pain of heroines part though. :-)

Anonymous said...

huh... haha... hahaha... hahahahahaha.... haaaaa :faints:




:wakes up:
im the 4th to comment (neglecting those anonymous!!!) hehehe.... good!!!! now i will read the blog.... btw welcome to kerala dude.... wen i had a chat with u from a net cafe in Ernakulam, i never thought u will come to tht place... i will bet even u dint ;)

Anonymous said...

By the way, the anonymous above is JK. :-) Forgot to put my signature in the post.

Anonymous said...

huh... haha... hahaha... hahahahahaha.... haaaaa :faints:




:wakes up:
im the 4th to comment (neglecting those anonymous!!!) hehehe.... good!!!! now i will read the blog.... btw welcome to kerala dude.... wen i had a chat with u from a net cafe in Ernakulam, i never thought u will come to tht place... i will bet even u dint ;)

-------deepako---------

Anonymous said...

huh... haha... hahaha... hahahahahaha.... haaaaa :faints:




:wakes up:
im the 4th to comment (neglecting those anonymous!!!) hehehe.... good!!!! now i will read the blog.... btw welcome to kerala dude.... wen i had a chat with u from a net cafe in Ernakulam, i never thought u will come to tht place... i will bet even u dint ;)

-------deepako---------

Anonymous said...

Simple amazing

U r indeed chetan Bhagat in the making..Keep it up Dude...

Avanti Sané said...

Hi,
I've been reading your posts for a few days now....i like your style of writing;similar to mine- funny and straight from the heart...
Nice!

divya said...

so ur alive. and doing well too. i`m glad. i just put my pic on this profile thing.i was hoping i`d get a chance to comment on someone`s blog... and u put up a new post!! thanku. great post as always.

Sreekumar said...

What a post! Your sense of humour seem to have only improved in my land. Waise you know they have one of the highest suicide rates there. Try to do something about that by cracking your jokes and telling others to live.

Waise, I resent your comments on mamooty cos you havent seen his movies. He is not the typical hero on whom young college girls moon over. He is a bit like Nick Nolte chap...strong personality....infact, i have seen lots of his movies but dont seem to remember any where he himself is remotely comfortable with the idea of cuddling a girl.

Good one

Suds said...

Hello Abhi anna, Nice to hear from u man. It was another good post..:) Anna, What would have happenned to people like us without dilbert.:)

Anyway Anna enjoy ur liphe in Kerala..:)

M (tread softly upon) said...

amazing as always. I am in total awe of people who can write so well and be funny. Great job!

Sirius Black said...

lolzzz njoy kerela man , nd dunt ask for spoon next time coz lookin at the waiter's expressions i dont think he is gonna let ya go that easy next time.

dharmu said...

are munnu, ITC wallone tume kahan bhejare?

hey, i was suppposed to tag u for the same post, even emtioned it in ur my post, but spared u- socha bechara pehele se pareshaan hai.

see, dont i make a good prez of ur club??? hm.

and hey, kerala mein "bilji" nahi hai ???

lotus dew said...

hey abhi.....
u were supposed to be in kolkata now, how come u are in kerela.
in case u are in kolkata...do met me know.
and ya, i have lots of hair on my hands , and the best part is depite of beging nagged by friends and family i dont get them waxed. so.....if u like u can surely ask me to marry u.
rest is fine take care
bye

Jaggu said...

hey dude....great post as usual man.....just loved this line of urs "his mouth opens enough to let in a couple of mopeds and he looks at me like I just asked for his wife's saree ".....Get over Sidhuisms guys...Abhinavisms r here to rock:)...so jokes apart,hey so hows work goin on at ITC ? Cheers

Binu "the mallu" Ninan said...

dumbass.. ur in malu land and u didnt inform me?? call me quick!!!

candid diary said...

Two nice posts after a long time.
Request change the description of ur blog, now.

Niedhie said...

Hey Soul!
Reading your post after a long time... Rocking as usual!!!

So you are in Kerala now, good your experience of Bengal should help you there to some extent.

Have fun, and keep posting!

Sudipta Chatterjee said...

Munnu bhai, whoever says that I did NOT do a service to the society by tagging you with this one should be shot! :D

Or even better, should be barred from reading your blog for a year... that will be a befitting punishment!

Bharat Jhurani said...

hey.. u r quite a weirdo....

J said...

you can call yourself AJ..you are to blogging what DJ is to RDB..rocking posts..P.L.E.A.S.E be regular..i always look forward to reading your posts.

just_a_girl said...

U are back! :D

Raja Agrawal said...

got all I wanted to read at this hour wid all the freaking submissions arund.

I've been reading ur blog but never commented. Basically, I never wanted to associated wid u, as me too want to write like u one day.

Probably becoz I've not cited the references in my report from where I've copy-pasted. :)

Somya said...

too good...though you share a lot of weird things wid me well even I cannot see anybody being poked wid an injection though I don't mind being poked but watching being poked wid injection makes me go dizzy. I remember when I was really small(that wasn't really long back) to give me an injection one atleast required 10 people to pin me to the table wid one basically to stop me from screaming. All those practical which required us to poke our finger and use our blood for test was completely performed on borrowed blood wid a promise to compensate later wid neat stem or root slide.

lakshmi said...

hi abhinav .....
i have been a regular visitor to your site for the past few months...
i like it ..
any way welcome to kerala...
being a malayaleee i want to say one thing to you ...try to learn malyalam yaar ...it is an interesting language ......
then mammotty he is really gud looking naaaaaato maintain this look even at 50'ss is somt hing great .....

shweta said...

kies i got a chance really late ...oyeee guess wat plaster utar gaya hai ...i am srry for tht day i cldnt talk to u much ...ws under a stupid medicine ...i dnt noe for wat purpose it was but it has dne two things to me ...make me feel dizzy nd ...then ...more fall of my hair..okies... ...newayz ..ab bindas hoon plaster khul gaya ...socha missed call nahi maroon toh acha hai ...okies now u wld actually be...rotating ur eyes in the room ...yaar ...cldnt she write semthing abt the post ...
okk....
so thr i go ..
sharukh waali aawaz toh meine suni hai so i can put my stamp ki yeah this guy can mimick sharakh khan ...so all those guyz who really hate sharukh can cme to him he does it awefully welll....nd newayz njoy kiddo ...ur kerela roller coaster nd villanous luk ...
nd lemme...dance a little ....finally plaster gaya ....
gosh i am so happy ...
now i can see the sun moon nd rain ...agar aayega toh ...
shwets

Pokiri with a purpose said...

hi abinav just wanted to remind you that you din't change your "DETAILS" it still reads " pursuing M.B.A at IIM-C" which is below your blog title...

Hope you are not trying to fake aamir khan in RDB...

'nyways Cool post!~@#!

Nitin Kochhar said...

Enjoy Kerala !!

aMyth! said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
aMyth! said...

kerala yis simbly a wonndurrful laand. i know yit becose i wos born and brot up there. simbly yenjoy yit ;)

all the best bro..

nobody said...

hi abhinav
man arent u popular! everytime i come i see 30-40 comments already!!! and kyun nahi honge, u write really well :)

PS: i'm the one that mailed you after reading one of ur posts... remember??

The Bhandari's said...

ROTFL!!!!
oh I had pain while laughing, so funny post
~preeti

ketki said...

nice post funny one!
n'joyed readin'

Anonymous said...

hi softy !! oye whr r u ?? i havnt got net connctn in my room yet so dunt gt a chance to log in much dese dayz...do snd me ur numbr ...chal bi...tk cr

muchhu

isnam said...

Haha! The first time I visited your blog was quite randomly, but have been visiting it on and off since. I love the way you write! Keep up the good work! :)

Anonymous said...

Your blog rocks, dude!!!
I happen to reach your blog while browsing... Keep up the good work.
Have fun.

~Preeti

shri ram charith said...

wonderful dude,.,simply luv ur blogging style..it rox...gd 1..say and r u planning 2 write any book bout IIM...jus like chetan did it 4 d IIT?

lotus dew said...

change ur pic munnu..........u look much better than hitler

Dhivya said...

Rather redunant after well 44 posts but hey neat post...damn funny...kerala and Cal...deadly combo

Cheers
Dhivya

Anonymous said...

amazingly creative!!!!!
i just love reading ur blog!!

Rajlaxmi said...

its amazing how ur post put a smaile on me. u do ve a funny bone n u do ve a flair for writing.thats some combo to ve..carry on!!

mathew said...

hey..hey u have such a nice blog..
a killer blend of humour and sarcasm!!!

Anonymous said...

amazingly humorous writing skills you got. I was wondering how you could come up with such stuff. Keep it goin ..!

Life Lover said...

OMG!!! I haven't laughed alone as much as I did reading this post :)

Anonymous said...

ma story z no different dude........jus dat u struggling wid mallus n me wid madrasi......trust me malluz r a brand much better than madrasi peeepulzzz...neways b happy...NARIYAL PAAANI PEE AUR CHILL MAAAR....n for abt ur post......SIMPLY IRRESISTBLE!!!

Loser-in-Love said...

The things work does to your filmy memory. Atleast I remember it was Aamir khan in DDLJ.

Buddy, you are trying really hard to be funny...even though you don't need to!!

Loser-in-Love said...

btw....nice blog as always!! :)

Anonymous said...

Keep up the good work »

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Shanks_P said...

First, Nice blogs all th way .....
You made me think again keeping Khadar khan's face, a mallu lift operator and match it with Mamooty's face ...alramingly it looks very close .....

Because the idea of being glamorous is framed to be in some dimensions / rules, we ( Mallus) think that Mohanlal/ Mammoty have good looks ....
Any way happy staying in mallu world with lot of coconuts and sandy beaches .....
Kozhikode is famous for one more thing, watch out for that ;)