Wednesday, November 12, 2008

When the sun goes down on me

So I don't talk about you anymore
And they say things will be better than before
So I live another day , hoping they are right
But now , I lie awake , in this cold November night

I think about you and I believe
that when it's time for me to leave
And the sounds of life are defeated by a silent grace
I , my friend , will want to see your face

You trusted me without a why
And I said I am your shade when the sun is high
You just smiled and did not doubt
My false promises kept the reality out

But when the wolves arrived , you saw me depart
And now , the shards of those promises bleed my heart
and When the lady called life loosens her embrace
I , my friend , will want to see your face

Do you hate me now , I do not know
Do you regret knowing a man so shallow
Does it disgust you to remember my voice
Will you live it again , if given a choice

I think you wont , And I see the reason
But I still wish , though guilty of treason
And when the glow of a setting sun fills the space
I , my friend , will want to see your face

You dont let go of your dreams
For a whisper of love can drown all the screams
I know that to talk of love , I have no right
But sometimes you see something only when it is out of sight

So wherever you are , give love another chance
Let it fill your heart , do it's divine dance
As for me ..when the angels of death carry me to a darker place
I , my friend , will want to see your face

* Added Later , after seven people mailed me saying Suicide is not a great thing to attempt *

Whoa ! Chill Yaaro . There was a bunch of really verbal Punjabi dogs right outside my window at 4.30 in the morning , and since they wont let me sleep , decided to see if I can rhyme words . So chill . It takes something as grave as back to back screenings of Karz and Phoonk to depress me . Dissociations with the female variety of Homo Sapiens aint that bad for me . And all the angry guys commenting here , You are always fun to have around .

Monday, September 08, 2008

Somebodyz Back.

So this has been my longest stay away from the blog . And over the last two months , my personal life has dipped to an all time low. I never thought I would transform into this work zombie whose highest point of the day is a 46 year old housewife from Bhatinda telling him she liked the fragrance of the shampoo he sells .

But I realized this had happened when my mother called me up three days ago and this happened –

Me: “Hi Ma.”

Ma: “Accha sun, surgery theek ho gayi.”

Me: “Surgery? What Surgery?”

Ma: Pause. I told you.

Me: No, you must have dreamt about telling me. It happens at your age.

Ma: “Chup reh. Your dad had this thing at the dentist today. He is fine now. No pain as yet, though he is on anesthesia.”

I understand it was no big surgery with the little red bulb above the room’s door and restless relatives sitting on benches outside and the filmy “Hum poori koshish kar rahe hai” from the doctor. But still, there were blades and there was blood and there was a pretty heavy bill. My mother told me about it. And it was just wiped off my memory. I remembered that I had to mail my boss that report which was already a couple of days late , but I did not remember about my dad.

So it’s time I remember the phrase from Spiderman 3 – “You always have a choice”, and start making the right choices instead of being the guy who talks about soap ingredients* on a date**. (*I sell Soaps and Shampoos for a living, hence the soap ingredients part.** Being very optimistic , I assume I get a date .) And it’s not only about the family. I have been losing friends faster than you would lose your cool if there was a porcupine inside your pants. Most of my friends don’t call me anymore, and those who do, call me a jerk. I mean, I have been compared to a wooden chair in context of my sensitivity levels, and the wooden chair has won invariably . And to be honest, which I have seldom been, not in the college exams at least, I do not blame any of my friends, or ex-friends. I am not proud of the guy I have been lately. Those who have still stuck to me in spite of me should be brand ambassadors for Fevicol.

But while I have been busy killing my personal life and discovering the pathway to a life of lonely existence and talking to the pet dog , my parents have been busy trying to bring it back to life. Last month, they ran an ad in a newspaper matrimonial ( I know , what kinda guy participates in an arranged wedding in an age when fourteen year olds have their own sports bikes and eight year old girls want to dress up like Kareena Kapoor ? Well , a guy who is no more enamored by the external beauty and just wants a rich lady now . my kinda guy ) . My sister had serious reservations against the act, because she thought the ad was incomplete without the adjectives ‘Uncaring, Unshaven, and can kill for the TV remote” in it. Now, the problem with trying to find a wife through this route is , that unless you meet the girl , you think she is extremely beautiful , can be in the Limca Book of Records with her talents , and is a total delight to be with . I mean , I expect no one to tell me that she looks beautiful unless the make up washes off , hates guys with their mothers alive , and is totally delighted once she grabs holds of someone else’s credit card. Not that I want a girl with or without any particular attribute , but the net problem with an arranged marriage is that people are not themselves till it may be too late to do anything about it . I mean, she may be smiling at me and thinking “I think I want to stab him with a pencil immediately.” And the same for the girl .I am sure she will have her apprehensions, which will be aggravated when she watches me laugh at cheap jokes and eat with my hands. So, the way things are going, things should get fun .At least for you.

In fact, talking of marriage, the more I learn, the more I believe that a marriage needs to be lived through before we know it’s good or bad. It’s a profound statement, so I think I will shut up and just let you admire the pearls of wisdom that I shower upon you. By the way , you remember me promising to start making the right choices about twenty lines above ? Well , as a start , I have come home this Sunday and am going out with family to a show of Rock On now . The last movie I happened to watch , nah , subject myself to , was ‘Ugly and Pagli’ ( No , don’t even ask what made me did it . And don’t even ask what that movie did to me. ), and I definitely need something good to restore my faith in the movie making capabilities of bollywood directors.

And my parents definitely need something good to start believing that their boy can still appreciate a day without a laptop, sales projections and pink slip warnings in it.

We will talk again , soon.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Punjab Di Khabran ( Hope thats good punjabi ?)

~ There is a Cinema Hall right next to my office in Chandigarh . I mean , I step out of the office and my foot lands in the balcony . Rickshaw bhee nahi lena yaar . Boss se daant khayi ? Movie dekho ! Laptop crash ho gaya ? Movie Dekho ! Salary mein Income Tax jyada kat kar aya hai ? Movie Dekho ! And I have to watch Singh is Kingg there. Being in Punjab , how can I miss this one ? That would be like being in a Girls Hostel wearing opaque glasses.

~ After four long turbulent years , I am getting myself a Bike again . Have been driving a car since then , and my recommendation is that unless you have three screaming kids and a wife who wants you to take her to the annual discount sale , buying a car is like going to the Library with Hansika Motwani ( Hansika Who ? You are lucky you don’t know ) when you can splash on a beach with Priyanka Chopra. Streaming down on a rain washed road riding a bike . Cool wind against the face . And a 6’2” Constable Daljeet Singh from Punjab Police giving you a ticket for over speeding. Bliss.

~ The way things look , I will be on the Delhi-Chandigarh Shatabdi almost every week . Last week , I undertook the first one of these trips . Learning – If the question is : What makes more noise : A) A Jet Plane playing Himesh on the CD player and revving its engine behind your ear ? B) Three sardaar kids playing Antakshari on the seat behind yours ? , the answer is B . I guess my faith in the physical capabilities of their father saved them , otherwise I had a clear action plan to fling them out of the window . Atleast the one in the Yellow Turban who was singing that song from Ashok Mastie. Thanks to them , my Ipod is back on the train Journeys.

~ I am staying as a Paying Guest in Chandigarh . I hope the landlord’s family has an appreciation for music at late hours . Because unless they think playing Linkin Park at 2 in the morning is a good idea , me and them are going to have some serious opinion differences . And then don’t blame me if their pet dog goes missing.

~ I know this is kinda girly , but I have been following a show called ‘Splitsvilla’ on MTV lately . I never knew Indian Girls knew so many Hindi Galis . I never knew Indian Girls could be so mean over a stupid game show . I never knew my faith in the strength and elegance of the women of today would dive lower than my college grades.

~ Here in Punjab , show me a Parantha without Butter , and I will show you a Camel which plays Golf . And it’s not butter as we normal Delhi people know it . It’s a huge dollop of Butter melting right on top of a steaming Parantha . I mean , aisa lagta hai makkhan hee serve kar rahe the , galti se neeche ek parantha dab gaya . If my calculations are right , the money worth of Butter being used at Lucky Dhaba on the road connecting Ludhiana and Amritsar is only slightly higher the combined GDP of Botswana and Zimbabwe.

~ I recently got a Nokia Business Phone . While I am yet to explore it’s multiple features which , Nokia claim , include everything except a Juice Maker and a Nuclear Missile Launch Button , one of its features is that the phone says out the name of the caller . And that’s a pretty interesting thing . Yesterday , when a friend by the name of Himani called me , I was like “Huh ? He Man found my number ??”.

~ These days , a summer trainee has been doing a project with me as her “Mentor” , which by the way , is similar to Salman Khan running Khan School of Driving . Anyway , a couple of days ago , she was seated in my cabin and I was thinking aloud about an aspect of her project , when she suddenly broke into a chuckle and said “You know Sir ! I really like your working style ! Such a non serious attitude towards Work !” . Well , she still claims that was a compliment , but I have told her to be more direct the next she drops me a ‘compliment’.

~ It’s 2.45 in the morning. And only a job with a call center can keep me up now. Time to Crash. And if I don’t have a good day at office tomorrow , I think the cinema hall next to it is playing some comedy .

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Aiwen Hee Bakwaas Hai

  • I went to see the Delhi Daredevils vs Bangalore Royal Challengers IPL match at Ferozeshah Kotla some time back . And it was very confusing . For one , all the teams are so mixed up these days . Ishant bowls , Kallis Hits , Ponting catches , Ganguly Appeals and Shoaib Akhtar celebrates . Logic ki to hatya hee kar dee hai ! And then the giant screen at the ground was not working . Some eight minutes into the match , the batsman was given out LBW by the umpire .

Me - "Oye , kaun out hua ?"

Buddy - "Oh shit , Sehwag gaya !"

Me - Sehwaag ? Wo to non striker end pe khada hai yaar . Wo dekh , usee ke jaisa lag raha hai.

Sardaarji on adjecent seat - Oh jee Rohit Sharma gaya hai . Kameena hai , ullu da phatta out ho jaata hai .

Me - Rohit Sharma ? Wo Delhi ki Team mein hai ?

Buddy - O Sardaarji Rohit to kissi aur team mein hai ..wo kaunsee team hai laal kapdo waali ?

Me - Ruk Yaar , ghar pe fone karta hoon , wo TV par dekh kar bata denge .

All this while , a bunch of guys behind us are depressed over the dismissal of Gautam Gambhir while the couple of aunties sitting ahead of us are trying to find out which team is batting .

Future Plan of action - Kabhi Stadium mein match dekhne jaio , to either borrow that telescope from your uncle who works for NASA , or request the bastmen to take off their helmets so that we can know who is who .

  • I have been posted to Chandigarh for the next one year . Reactions to the news :

Mummy : "Offo , wahan Maggi mat khaata rahio "

Papa : " Sirf ek saal ?"

Sister : " Yaayy !"

Mausi : "Ab isko shaadi kar do."

Guy friends : "Chandigarh kee bandiyan mast hoti hai ."

Friends who are girls : "Udhar kee bandiyon se bach kar rahiyo ."

Boss : "Jaan chootee"

Would Be Boss : "Why me ??"

  • Earlier this day , the kaamwali quit the job . So my mother is carrying an expression like she just found a pouch of cocaine in my laptop bag . It's crisis time in homeville.
  • Did Salman Khan and Shoaib Akhtar grow up as chaddi buddies in "YouAssAye" ? Their fake accents put Star Movies and HBO to shame. That reminds me , a friend accused me of saying a 'Hello' on fone in a fake accent recently . Just adds one more commonality between Me , Salman and Shoaib . Dekte raiyye Sonee Ennertaynmen Chaaynayl.
  • Recently got all the seasons of Jackass , an insane show which ran on MTV some years back . It's ridiculous , it's crazy , it's gross . So it's fun . In one episode , the Jackass guys drive down to a town called 'Mianus' and catch hold of a lady who runs a grocery store there . Now the lady has no idea who this guy is and the guy tells her he wants to find more about 'Mianus' as he may shift in.
    Jackass guy : "So , you sell stuff in my anus "

Lady : "Yeah , I do"

Jackass guy : "Ok , so what is it like in my anus"

Lady : " Well , it is sleepy little place

The entrance is surrounded by fences and.."

Jackass guy : "The entrance to My anus is surrounded by fences ?"

Lady : "Yeah"

Jackass guy : "What else ?"

Lady : "Ah , a lot of wealthy people have houses here . Mel Sibson has a house here ."

Jackass guy : "Wow , Mel Gibson got a house in my anus ! And do you live in my anus ?"

Lady : "No . But I commute every day ."

Jackass guy : " Ok , right , you commute every day to my anus. Good for you ."

And the Jackass Guy did this with a face as expressionless as teak , so it was huge fun to look at. Gross and distasteful , I know . But fun .

  • Have you used Vivel ? That "Kareena wala saabun" , as most of the women tell me . Kaisa laga ? Mast ? Jhakkas ? I wonder is someone has asked ever for some consumer feedback in such a casual manner . Logical question - why do I ask ? Logical answer - I work for that company . Assistant Manager (Personal care) , reporting , Sir !
  • There is something wrong with our Office network , and I have been getting spam mails on the Office Email . Last week , got an email with the subject line "This Blue Pill can help you have a long fiesta with your chicks" . I forwarded the mail to a colleague adding "Hey , this is for you" to it. Last heard , he has actually ordered them.
  • Why do politicians visit the sites of explosions after some bomb blasts take place ? Do they expect that the terrorists would be still hiding behind bushes over there and the minister would just point out and shout - "Wo dekha , wo raha Mohhamad Al Sami !! Wo dekho amrood ki Jhaadi ke peeche baitha hai bandook pakde !! Pakad lo kambaqth ko !!"
  • Without sounding like a very close associate of Baba Ramdev , I am seriously amazed by the number of people who go around living their lives under stress , anger and too much seriousness . Brooding over lost love , worrying about a job , scared by a boss . I mean , too many people believe that what they do or what has happened to them is important and big enough to keep the planet rotating on its axis . And I can not understand if they dont want to live a more cool life , or they dont know how to ? I know life gives out different circumstances to each of us , but too many of us can use the circumstances in a better way than they actually do . So many of us are busy and stressed out chasing that pot of gold which may turn out to be a shit pot , after all .

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Post Title coming up in Ten Minutes

No seriously, I don’t know if this classifies me as a handicapped person , but I can not type stuff about a particular single topic. I mean, people leave comments saying the blog lacks direction , is shallow and contains content stupid enough to make Govinda look like a philosopher . But after twenty minutes of trying to write something sensible , like something which expresses my concern over HIV infected kids in Rwanda , or something which tries to tell the world that we must save the blue whales before they are all dead , I decided that there are enough pillars of the society to do that , and I also decided that I am hungry .
So now as I munch on a pack of Hide and Seek, I think I will just talk whatever I want to even if it makes me look as intelligent as Sameera Reddy and leaves you sick in the stomach.
For one , what’s wrong with Aaj Tak people ? I mean , I had a feeling they were pretty low on news the day I saw a 30 minute capsule named “Yeh kaisa rishta” which was about a female monkey in Madhya Pradesh which was bringing up half a dozen pups and picking their lice and feeding them her own milk ( As if I have ever seen a monkey buying polypacks from a mother dairy). But if someone was to watch Aaj Tak over the last 15 days , he would be absolutely confident that the only man who is left on the face of this earth is the Great Khali , the mahabali Darinda , ‘Jo apne dushmano ko kuchal deta hai’ , ‘Jiska naam sunte hee uske dushmano ki aatma kaanp jaati hai’ , and , I heard this yesterday , ‘Jo duss babbar shero jitna taakatwar hai’ . Oh , by the way , if you don’t know who Khali is , he is a WWE wrestler of Indian Origin who is 7’3” , weighs 190 kgs and you should be very happy you don’t owe him any money. I guess Khali would discover a lot of information about himself if he starts watching Aaj Tak regularly.
"HeeeHawww , Now this son of a lady dinosaur is standing on my left foot , and I need to be on another floor to reach his ear , so lets just Grin and Bear it"

Also , I watched ‘Race’ at a Gurgaon multiplex recently . To cut it short , and to save 175 bucks on the ticket and 85 bucks on the burger + coke , it’s a movie where everybody is evil with a head bubbling with deadly plans , everybody is in bed with somebody , and everybody is driving an exotic car which costs around fifty times my expected lifetime earnings . But the movie left me with a very disturbing message – “You wanna be a winner ? Please kill those morals first” . I mean , if I would have watched that movie when I was six , I would have grown up thinking that being truthful is an insult . Not that I am a Harishchandra-2 , but the people in the flick do not even try. Of course , there is one another image from the movie which will not leave me till I breathe my last – That of a topless Akshaye Khanna standing chest facing towards the camera . At least three XL sized sweaters could have been knitted out of the hair on his chest, I swear. Add Anil Kapoor to that , and you have the raw material for the complete winter collection of Rohit ‘Bal’ .
And ever since Arjun Singh has played around with the quotas , my mother has been wandering around the house murmuring “Jaane munnu ke baccho ka admission kaise hoga” . Munnu is me , and that means she is already worried if my kids would be able to go to schools and colleges with the kind of direction this country is headed to . No offences , but over my schooling , engineering and MBA , there have been numerous occasions when students from the reserved categories have made it while far smarter and deserving ones have been left in the cold. It’s all too moving to read about the son of the rickshaw puller who made it to Infosys , but what about the guy from the general category who had double the brains but could not get into a decent engineering college because the rickshaw puller’s son got in through the quota ? I am sure that one day, there will be little kids dropping years to get into nursery class. By the way , coming to think of it , I actually wonder how my kids will make it to a good college anyway , especially if they inherit my IQ. But seriously , I think some day , Mrs Malhotra and Mrs Taneja would be having this conversation over the paneer pakodas at a kitty party ..
Mrs Malhotra : So Miss Taneja , ab to Bittoo 4 saal ka ho gaya hoga ?
Mrs Taneja : Haan abhi March mein 4 saal ka hua hai , ab serious hone laga hai life mein..
Mrs Malhotra : Haan Jee , abhi to age hai mehnat karne kee….wo Mrs Sharma ki beti Pinky ko nahi dekha , teen saal se nursery entrance exam de rahee hai …determination , nah ?
Mrs Taneja : Ab dekho kya hota hai , Bittoo bhee 8 saal ki age tak to try karega nursery mein entrance kee , warna fir OBC certificate banwana hoga …Bittoo ke papa keh rahe the tab tak itni savings ho jayegi ki ek certificate aa jaye installments par…
Mrs Malhotra : Haan jee , All the best keh dena Bittoo ko !!
And before logging off, here is a snap of the ‘entertainment’ page from MetroNow , a newspaper which comes to my home . Abb Aapkee Maut , Humara Manoranjan ! If you plan to die sometime soon , make sure to let the MetroNow people know . They got some space in the comic strip section too !

Monday, March 03, 2008

Coming Back to Life , minus Office

I knew I needed a break from office and an urgent trip to Mauritius with a couple of blonde girls the moment I read my previous post. It looked like it had been typed by a guy aggressive enough to make Andrew Symonds look like a messenger of peace with a couple of white doves perched on his shoulders . So I decided to take a break and am on the second day of a two weeks leave from office. And before you ask , I scrapped that ‘Mauritius with the blonde girls’ plan . Enough of blondes, you see.

Anyway, now you visualize me spending the break watching TV, sprawled on a couch, with the left hand lazily swooping popcorns off a big plastic bowl and the right hand gripping the remote, and I think your visualization captures my plans beautifully. But I also intend to make some meaningful acts , which compare well with the discovery of fire , Mallika Sherawat and other such things in terms of their impact on mankind. For example , I need to watch my weight now . I mean , little kids are not exactly pointing fingers at me and yelling ‘Look mama , that ball has legs !” , but a little bit of physical activity never killed anybody , unless that activity resulted in pissing off Mike Tyson . So I have been shooting baskets and just dribbling the ball a little in the porch of my home . I am not sure if I have broken a sweat yet , but I am sure I have broken a couple of flower pots placed around the porch .

And I am reading Shahrukh Khan’s biography these days . In a book store setting where the lady standing to my right was browsing through ‘A brief history of time’ by Stephen Hawking and a guy behind me was reaching out for some book on the Indian economy , it is not very elite to pick up a book about bollywood . It’s like picking up the bumper issue of ‘Filmi Kaliyaan’ when the world around you is discussing global warming . But I am liking this book . His obsessive love for Gauri during his younger days as described in the book reminds me of my own feelings for my class III English Grammer teacher . No wonder I could not focus on the Grammer Lessons she taught and the results can being see even today .

And coming back to the need for a break , I think I was beginning to lose the clarity of thinking which has been a hallmark of my existence since childhood , besides a need for movies and eating . I was beginning to lose the wisdom to distinguish a thing I can change from what I can not change. For example , I was spending time feeling bad about the fact that I had some irritating people around me at work instead of understanding that it is a thing I can not change , unless I had a gun , which I don’t . So I have made it into a personal objective to further instill this understanding in my daily life over the time to come.

And last weekend, I went to Ludhiana with five of my IIM batch mates for a friend’s wedding. Pretty close friend. In fact he is the guy who, during my IIM days, introduced me to Babbu Maan’s music videos and other ways to be unpopular with girls. Just to provide another instance, during one of our hostel parties , me and him forced the DJ to play ‘Kaala Chashma’ four times in a row which firmly established us as totally rustic in the minds of most of the IIM students with their more delicate tastes in music and art .

But what unsettled me was that this friend, who had a huge disregard for any kind of societal opinions for himself, looked more flustered than a nine year old boy stuck in the backseat of Michael Jackson’s car during his wedding . Some hours before the wedding, he told me ‘I hope I am doing the right thing.’ I looked up from the glass of orange juice ( Note – Another fluid has been replaced with Orange Juice for the purpose of this post ) , and said “Bhai , I don’t know if you are doing a right thing or a wrong thing , but you are definitely doing it , because now I have spent my money buying you a wedding present , and I am not going back for a refund.” So he went ahead with it and is in Egypt now on his honeymoon .One of the few chaps who went to a ‘mummy’ when most of us would never want our mothers around on our honeymoons.

But I really don’t blame the guy for being a bit unsettled about his choices. At the ripe age of 26 , when I have spent the last few years exploring the maze of human relations using the tried and tested method of personal experience with disastrous consequences , I can only say one thing about marriage – You find out if it was a good decision or a bad one only twenty five years after the wedding , if not more . If you think that’s a pretty intelligent thing I have said, don’t, because I read it somewhere .Mark Twain maybe. Appreciate my honesty, now.

Chalo yaar , you don’t expect me to spend my vacations typing away on a laptop . And before I go back , I want to ask you a thing . If you look back at all the comments I have received from you over the last almost four years I have been blogging , around ninety percent of them would make my parents feel like they have been blessed with a boy of outstanding qualities . Of course , there have been some who have explained to me in no subtle terms that I should be in cage suspended over the Pacific Ocean . But in my heart , I feel that all of you have been incredibly kind to me over all this time . So this time around , I want you to be more honest and tell me what you don’t like about me . If you feel there is something about me you don’t like , tell me . I don’t promise you that I will attempt to change myself , but I promise you I will attempt to find out where you live and stab you when you are out on your morning walk . Ok chill , seriously , tell me what you hate about me . I won’t kill you . Keep smiling.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Seedhi Baat.All Bakwaas.

  • I have ended some 'relations' , if I may use the word in a non scandolous way . I know it's cruel , callous and insensitive in a way , but I need to end what's not working out , atleast for me. It was draining me out and leading down an alley which had an end more dead than Abraham Lincoln is . I know I am being bad by cutting off from it . Makes me a not-so-nice guy . But if you want to save the baby from hepatitis , you need to stick a needle in his bottoms . What other analogy do you expect from a doctor's son. And for the record , I think romantic love is an illusion created by exaggerated hormone play which serves the movie industry and misleads the impressionable youth .
  • Have become incredibly assertive at work . Am shooting off mails which rattle up people the way a rattlesnake in your soup would rattle you . Got into a sharp debate with a brand manager last week .Took apart an office boy who was taking his time checking if my courier had come in. Diving to a deeper level , I am tired of people walking all over me , and I am letting them know I don't like it . And bad news for them , I am liking letting them know .
  • I am transforming into a workaholic . The types who have their cars in the office parking lot when all the other ones have left . Have taken a total of four days off since June 2007 . Monday is no more a scary day . I send out office mails almost every Sunday . Two weeks ago , sent a mail to boss at 1.50 am . He stamped into my cabin next morning and insisted that I get a girlfriend. Not that I want to be on the cover of Time . But I like working .
  • I regret not helping a kid who wanted help with her school farewell speech . I said I will help out , then totally lost track of that . If they had a record for the number of promises broken , my picture would be in the Guiness Book . Front cover . Full color.
  • I zipped past a biker so close yesterday , I think his shirt still got car paint on it. He was high on DVDs of Dhoom series . Was doing that wavy zig zag thing ahead of my car and not letting me pass . I quit honking , switched the gear and zipped right past him , leaving around half an inch between my car and him . And I did it with a smirk . Music does it . Rock on the car radio . And I am a Salman Khan on the road . You better not sleep on the pavement outside your home .
  • I have stopped using my iPod . I like the radio more . More unpredictable . More talkative. And cheaper than an iPod .
  • I love my family more than anything and will stab for them . A female at my office called me a mama's boy when she heard me saying "Will leave office in 10 minutes , ma" on phone . I said "Yeah , I am a mama's boy . I love my mom . And I totally understand it if people from your side of the world eat their mothers , but we dont .We love them all our lives." I actually said that . If you ever needed to understand what a stunned woman looks like , you should have been there .
  • Why does everybody in the conference room laugh when the big boss cracks an intended joke ? I did not find it funny . A funeral is more funny than his joke was . But the guy on my left slapped the table twice and roared . Another one could not stop giggling for a complete forty seconds . I mean , was it in the terms and agreement when they joined ?
  • Some time ago , a friend of mine , who seems to be a male from what I know of him , commented that I am a lovable person . I still have not decided if that is to be classified as a compliment or a gayish attempt at molestation .
  • Nineteen months of corporate world . And I am almost into the habit of thinking in bullets . I think you have an idea of that.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Who needs a title .

Well , I know , I know . It’s been almost two months since something breathed on this blog. Struck by an acute case of ‘I miss him’ , around a dozen girls all over the country have killed themselves , another seven are being rushed to hospital as we speak , and I can’t even count the ones who are out on Sunday shopping for nylon ropes and rat poison pills right now . But here I am , so chill , breathe and smile , for I am still single and confused.

Anyways , a lot of water has flown under the bridge since I last wrote ( I know , my usage of English idioms is exemplary . Zabardast. ).

Things have been happening at work , in personal life , at home . Like right now , there is this domestic problem at my home – Last Friday , my sister’s iPod has been stolen . Now , under normal circumstances , if anything goes missing in my home or in a radius of 20 kilometers around it , my mother just walks up to me and says “Where is it ? Bata kalmoohe ! Tell me if you want to get dinner ! ”

But this time around, I am clean, because when the thing went missing, I was busy coloring excel sheets at office. So after re-watching the six CD collection of Byomkesh Bakshi and stung by the prospect of having to live a life without music, my sister declared that it was the ‘kaam wali’* who has stolen the iPod. Not me , not the postman , not the milkman , but the most important person in the history of Indian womankind – The KaamWali .

*Kaamwali= The maid . You know , the lady who cleans up your home , washes the dishes and is loved by your mother more than you are .

Now, all of you have hopefully grown up in Indian households, and it is an insult to your intelligence if I start telling you how important a peg a ‘kaam wali’ is in the workings of the world and your household , in particular . Just to provide an illustrative example, my mother once threw a five year old me off the balcony because I called the maid a ‘moti’. And she actually was so fat .

So coming back to the case of the missing iPod, my mother has taken an immediate offence to my sister accusing the kaamwali, and if my sister was still a child, she would have been flying out of a balcony too. Ma has refused to question the kaamwali and has warned anyone in the household against doing so with drastic consequences including self immolation and totally screwed salt amounts in food. Infact just the next day of the mentioned incident, my sister claimed the kaamwali was humming ‘Summer of 69’ while doing the clothes , which was placed suspiciously on the iPod’s playlist too . But protected fiercely by mom , the kaamwali continues to roam around the house unfettered and my sister continues to hope she will have her revenge some day .

On a personal front , I guess things are never supposed to be smooth for a guy who is 26 and is staring at a future which is still as clear as the climax of an art movie (I don’t know about you , but I rarely understand how these art movies end . I mean , when ‘The Namesake’ ended , I was like “What ? Why are they turning on the lights ? Where is the rest of it ?”) . Things have been kinda intense on the personal front , but every time I think I know what I want and what will be good for everybody , I flip out two days later.

I mean, how do you know who is the ‘right’ person to be share a life with , or , as they say , marry ? I know I have already got a ‘Anti-Abhi Women’s Cell’ going all over the nation due to the emotional mess ups I have been through , but nobody understands that my own heart too looks like it was crossing a road and a truck hit it right where it hurts. Knowingly or unknowingly, I know I have hurt people, but it’s an emotional battering for me too. People , including those the closest to me , may dismiss it as a ‘Oh-it-happens-to-everybody’ , but I have had my share of dark clouds and I think I need to move someone to the center of my world (Right now , I got my parents and sister there) and build my life around it , make people happy , create a good life for everybody , you know , rainbows and butterflies . But before that, I need to decide who that person is, and that makes all my college exams look like little walks in a park.

About situation at work , after almost two years of corporate world including ‘Another one , and you are fired’ as well as ‘Great work , so unlike you !’ emails , all I can do is offer a big brotherly advice to those who are yet to order their business suits – Love your work .At least try to love it . But remember you are just a guy filling a job profile for them . The day you don’t punch out the right result , they are going to help you pack your stuff and take it home in a cardboard box . So know what is important.

Anyway, it’s a Sunday , and it’s time I check out what’s on HBO . I anyway need to move from here because the kaamwali needs to sweep this room, and she just gave me the ‘Move-you-unbathed-jerk-or-I-tell-your-mom-you-called-me-moti’ look. I don’t want to be flying out of a balcony anytime soon.