Sunday, May 18, 2008

Aiwen Hee Bakwaas Hai

  • I went to see the Delhi Daredevils vs Bangalore Royal Challengers IPL match at Ferozeshah Kotla some time back . And it was very confusing . For one , all the teams are so mixed up these days . Ishant bowls , Kallis Hits , Ponting catches , Ganguly Appeals and Shoaib Akhtar celebrates . Logic ki to hatya hee kar dee hai ! And then the giant screen at the ground was not working . Some eight minutes into the match , the batsman was given out LBW by the umpire .


Me - "Oye , kaun out hua ?"

Buddy - "Oh shit , Sehwag gaya !"

Me - Sehwaag ? Wo to non striker end pe khada hai yaar . Wo dekh , usee ke jaisa lag raha hai.

Sardaarji on adjecent seat - Oh jee Rohit Sharma gaya hai . Kameena hai , ullu da phatta out ho jaata hai .

Me - Rohit Sharma ? Wo Delhi ki Team mein hai ?

Buddy - O Sardaarji Rohit to kissi aur team mein hai ..wo kaunsee team hai laal kapdo waali ?

Me - Ruk Yaar , ghar pe fone karta hoon , wo TV par dekh kar bata denge .

All this while , a bunch of guys behind us are depressed over the dismissal of Gautam Gambhir while the couple of aunties sitting ahead of us are trying to find out which team is batting .

Future Plan of action - Kabhi Stadium mein match dekhne jaio , to either borrow that telescope from your uncle who works for NASA , or request the bastmen to take off their helmets so that we can know who is who .

  • I have been posted to Chandigarh for the next one year . Reactions to the news :

Mummy : "Offo , wahan Maggi mat khaata rahio "

Papa : " Sirf ek saal ?"

Sister : " Yaayy !"

Mausi : "Ab isko shaadi kar do."

Guy friends : "Chandigarh kee bandiyan mast hoti hai ."

Friends who are girls : "Udhar kee bandiyon se bach kar rahiyo ."

Boss : "Jaan chootee"

Would Be Boss : "Why me ??"

  • Earlier this day , the kaamwali quit the job . So my mother is carrying an expression like she just found a pouch of cocaine in my laptop bag . It's crisis time in homeville.
  • Did Salman Khan and Shoaib Akhtar grow up as chaddi buddies in "YouAssAye" ? Their fake accents put Star Movies and HBO to shame. That reminds me , a friend accused me of saying a 'Hello' on fone in a fake accent recently . Just adds one more commonality between Me , Salman and Shoaib . Dekte raiyye Sonee Ennertaynmen Chaaynayl.
  • Recently got all the seasons of Jackass , an insane show which ran on MTV some years back . It's ridiculous , it's crazy , it's gross . So it's fun . In one episode , the Jackass guys drive down to a town called 'Mianus' and catch hold of a lady who runs a grocery store there . Now the lady has no idea who this guy is and the guy tells her he wants to find more about 'Mianus' as he may shift in.
    Jackass guy : "So , you sell stuff in my anus "

Lady : "Yeah , I do"

Jackass guy : "Ok , so what is it like in my anus"

Lady : " Well , it is sleepy little place

The entrance is surrounded by fences and.."

Jackass guy : "The entrance to My anus is surrounded by fences ?"

Lady : "Yeah"

Jackass guy : "What else ?"

Lady : "Ah , a lot of wealthy people have houses here . Mel Sibson has a house here ."

Jackass guy : "Wow , Mel Gibson got a house in my anus ! And do you live in my anus ?"

Lady : "No . But I commute every day ."

Jackass guy : " Ok , right , you commute every day to my anus. Good for you ."

And the Jackass Guy did this with a face as expressionless as teak , so it was huge fun to look at. Gross and distasteful , I know . But fun .

  • Have you used Vivel ? That "Kareena wala saabun" , as most of the women tell me . Kaisa laga ? Mast ? Jhakkas ? I wonder is someone has asked ever for some consumer feedback in such a casual manner . Logical question - why do I ask ? Logical answer - I work for that company . Assistant Manager (Personal care) , reporting , Sir !
  • There is something wrong with our Office network , and I have been getting spam mails on the Office Email . Last week , got an email with the subject line "This Blue Pill can help you have a long fiesta with your chicks" . I forwarded the mail to a colleague adding "Hey , this is for you" to it. Last heard , he has actually ordered them.
  • Why do politicians visit the sites of explosions after some bomb blasts take place ? Do they expect that the terrorists would be still hiding behind bushes over there and the minister would just point out and shout - "Wo dekha , wo raha Mohhamad Al Sami !! Wo dekho amrood ki Jhaadi ke peeche baitha hai bandook pakde !! Pakad lo kambaqth ko !!"
  • Without sounding like a very close associate of Baba Ramdev , I am seriously amazed by the number of people who go around living their lives under stress , anger and too much seriousness . Brooding over lost love , worrying about a job , scared by a boss . I mean , too many people believe that what they do or what has happened to them is important and big enough to keep the planet rotating on its axis . And I can not understand if they dont want to live a more cool life , or they dont know how to ? I know life gives out different circumstances to each of us , but too many of us can use the circumstances in a better way than they actually do . So many of us are busy and stressed out chasing that pot of gold which may turn out to be a shit pot , after all .

89 comments:

Rajesh Roshan said...

एक और बेहतरीन पोस्ट के साथ अभिनव जैन लेकिन इस बार थोड़े "एवेही" लेकर आए हैं. आपने कोटला जाकर सिखा मैं पहले से जनता ह की क्रिकेट मैच टीवी पर देखना चाहिए ग्रौंद जाकर नही. ३ घंटे का खेल और आने जाने में ३ घंटे. टोटल टाइम वेस्ट

Abhinav Bhatt said...

this is the first post ever from you which has only 1 comment. Strange, everyone else is busy!
I am, now, a regular reader of yours. You are as always very good.
Keep watching IPL, keep doing Aiwei things, keep blogging...

Vidya.Ganesh said...

another master piece.... aiwei likhte rahiyooji... :) my first comment ..although m a regular reader....luvvvv ur stff!!!

Ye manzilen !! said...

Consistency my friend.....consistency. U seem distracted...

Anonymous said...

I'm comparatively a new reader...but whatever u write is simply superb.So this has to be.End karte karte thode profound se ho gaye tussi.But overall its hilarious.Good going dude.Keep coming up with more fun.Aap jaise log rahenge to hum jaise log apne stress ko kuch kam kar sakte hain ;)

gunj said...

aapne keh dia...ab bahut log sudhar jayenge...achi life jiyenge!!
thenks han;)

Nidhi said...

WHOA!!! I am in 1st 10 on Abhinav's post...and that too after reading the whole post.
Evident enough that there are ppl who eagerly wait for you to write!
As for the post...its rocking...as always!

Vandita said...

i agree totally, watchin on TV is much better than gettin confused in the stadium that too in the heat
and i esp ROFLed at the cocaine expression ... so sorry ur kaamwaali quit ...:P
loved the post...

Revathi said...

yet another great post. yaar kabhi to koi ghatiya post likho so i can say "nahi yaar iss baar kuch mazaa nahi aaya". atleast kuch variety to hoga comments sectione mein!! :P
kidding!! ;)

its amazing the way u can talk about important serious things in a jocular manner.

chandigarh jaake masti karo!! :)

Sarat said...

Long time! Great post, as always.
And, for people worrying about stuff too much...It's a matter of scale.....what is trivial on the cosmological perspective isn't so for the world of the individual.

>>Jass said...

Aiwen hee bakwaas! LOL :)
I love your bulleted way of writing.

P.S: I remember seeing this movie , jackass no.1 , it was so gross!! I mean kaise hasi aati hai yaar ? :)

Maryum said...

i m so proud that u are my brother.. loved the post...was just thinking of smsing you 2day.. but phir socha paise lagenge...isliye tried to concentrate on muft dil ka connection.. and i guess it worked.. ur post appeared after ages... last point is sooo true.. neways abhi(now) tak tumhari lady loves ne anonymously i love you msges nahi post kiye.. dara to nahi diya bechariyon ko?
luved teh fake accent thing.. salman khan'z is not as bad as shoiabz....u r going to chandigarh.. whatever happened to katrina?
chal me going now.. tc.. and stay intouch
luv
maryum

lotus dew said...

Your last para is the best.

Urv said...

Sabse ajeeb to tab lagta hai jab Sehwag chawka maare aur crowd chup ho jaaye and jab Shoaib usse out kare to log paagal ki tarah Shoaib ko cheer kare..
Cool Intertaining post dude :) btw I think Sony waalo ke wardrobe pe to paise bach hi jaayenge.. Sallu jo hai Intertain karne..

Krishna said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Krishna said...

Hi Abhinav!
I can relate to a couple of aiwen things u wrote..
Even i sometimes get spams on my ofice mail like the one u mentioned. I generally don't even read them and the moment they come in i just select and press delete. But sometimes i forget to delete them n so they are stored in my inbox. So here goes the story how these spams embarrassed me..
A female colleague of mine wanted a spam as she needed to show it in her e-learning course what spams are. So she asked me if i hv any. I found one and without event looking frwded it to her.. Next thing..she called me.
Me (smiling): Yes. what happened?
Her (stone-faced): What kind of mail is this?
Me (looking quizzically): Why? U asked for it?
Her(a little angry): Yes..but not this kind. Did u read the spam?
Me: No. What's that? Lemme see.
In the Mail:
//Importance of the male instrument.
Stop feeling traumatized over your size.
Enlarge your banana length
//
And other obscene stuff i can't mention here lest u start howling at me.

After reading this, i was totally-2 embarrased in front of her. Said sorry to her.
After this incident i am more careful with spam mails..infact told IT guys to stop them from entering our network.

Btw, it's good way to try to avoid controversy by saying 'friends who are girls' instead of 'girlfriends'. :)
I learned another way. Say 'female friend' to avoid getting linked to a girl and 'male friend' to avoid getting labeled a 'gay'. :)))

Cheers!
Krishna

Anonymous said...

Gr8 to see you bak.. have a nice stint at chandigarh..
-padmaja

Anonymous said...

great to have u back.....v all have been missing u ..keep blogging and have a great time in chandigardh!!!

Shy said...

haha...i loved ur family's reactions!

Anonymous said...

Hey Abhi ,first comment to your post , hav been reading ur blog 4 last 1 month when i was shifted to a new location & dint hav anything to do except getting bore all d day.A big thanks for making this last month so hilarious.Loved ur evry blog but the bestest was " hey god i dont want too much" & "Hurry om hurry"

Manav

Anonymous said...

After reading ur post i felt like i am not the only one who has gone beyond the limits of madness...TERE HONE SE EK TASALLI HAI E DOST KI MAIN AKELA PAGAL NAHI HOON IS DUNIYA MAIN...

Manav

ankita.. said...

hmm...good one specially the match part n the reactions...hope to c ur next post soon...

Crime Master said...

I want to see a match in a stadium too.. live! But then, I guess it's much more easier on TV.. at least the commentary helps me understand some things.. :P

Kaamwali kaam chhod ke chali gayi.. aur tu bhi jaa raha hai chandigarh.. mujhe daal mein kuch kaala lag raha hai.. I've noticed you're mentioning your kaamwali quite often on your blog these days.. chakkar kya hai?

Dhivya said...

Reaction of blog reader

me: will number of posts increase? (scratches head)

Kunal Lal said...

I wud have killed u if u wudn't have posted this one!...long time dude...ur posts r very few n far now....plz increase their frequency....

Kunal Lal said...

Of course...now in hindsight my previous post looks like I'm ur long lost friend :P...but seriously I have been following ur blog for a long time now...and the frequency has only been reducing....plz do post frequently....

Pink said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Prerna said...

Pot of gold turn out as shit pot :)

Good Analysis !! :D lol
Keep it going frnd..i mean the blog postings yaaar :)

Teekhi Mirchi said...

Good read.. I too went for one of the IPL matches but then I wasnt expecting to see much of the game forget about identifying the players :D

Anyway bought your kareena walla soap recently ..will post a review after a few days of use :D

have fun at chandigarh and keep writing ..

auro said...

It is the first time that I am dropping a comment, but I've been reading ur posts for quite some time now...helps me kill time in my office..acha lagta hai padhke..

Anonymous said...

everyone's eactions on chandigarh posting up there, what about girlfriend reaction?

Sari said...

tussi ab kya punjabi bhasha naal gal karogey blogger vich .. chalo vadiya hai .. asi bhi padlange :)

yaar stadium me kya kabhi kabhi TV me bhi bahut confusion ho jata hai .. u start cheering for other team .. its better to read abt the controversies srrnding these matches.. vo kafi intrsting and clear hoti hai . matlab agar Valya ne gali di to di .. sab ko pata chala clearly .. with no confusion.

Anonymous said...

nice post......bahut maza aya...
i was waiting for ur post...and its really a nice one.......

Manesh Kumar said...

dude, seriously, can u try n write atleast once a week, maybe every sat or sun?

by converting ur blog to a weekly, u can spare us readers the agonizing and uncertain waiting period between posts. also, we'd be thrilled to read ur posts more often...

g-man said...

lol, well, even on tv its kinda hard to spot the players with half the screen being obscured by ads and shit. the blue pill thing was fucking hilarious :)

Sanyukta said...

Hmm....Kareena wala saabun is pretty good...me and my 3 year old sis like it :)

Yeah, agree about the politicians' visits..I was in Jaipur when the blasts occured aur agle din se "daure" shuru ho gaye sabke...all puns intended.

Chandigarh? Cool. Aaloo ke praanthhe aur malai maar ke lassi....let your mom worry not about your maggi consumption. :)

Have a great week ahead :) Kabhi kabhi comments ka reply kar diya karo...i know busy Bade Sahab ho gaye ho and all that :D but phir bhi...

freak writing said...

hey mast dude like ur blog though commenting first time but reading 4 3 yrs....:)

Spiritual_Flame said...

Hey abhi!!.. great u r coming to chandigarh.. my city.. welcome here..

And ur post.. it was as hilarious as they always ve been...

But plz write more frequently...

ketki said...

nice to read ur post after a long time
u should write more often

-n- said...

Lol >>> the reactions from your kith & kins !
Lol >>> the way you described the expression of your mom after the maid left..
Lol >>> You.ASS.Aye
Lol >>> @ this line >> w/o sounding like a close associate of Baba Ram Dev !

In all , good as always ! :P

killer is i said...

sahi hai ... chandigarh mein mast kudiya hoti hai .. thats the truth. So i will say, click pics there and post, they will be better than kerla pics :P ..
And now i am waiting, when this IPL will end .. So did u see cheerleader?
I hope u didn't throw bottle on them :P
saw that jackass episode ... that was amazing .. hahaha

Anonymous said...

I love you!! Marry me!! :)

Homer said...

Yaar, ye wali post me itna mazaa ni aaya - although the reactions part was funny.. but overrall, as compared to your previous posts, this one lacked your usual sense of humor!

and Vivel ne kareena ko kyu choose kara as icon.. kareena has already promoted Lux.. and whenever i see kareena in Vivel ad.. vivel seems like Lux to me.. and i, for one abhor Lux!!

Anonymous said...

Keep the good work going dude. You dont know how many favours you are doing unknowingly to so many. thanks a ton.

Anonymous said...

*adjacent seat.

:)

Anonymous said...

i ve not used that soap. sorry to say,but i speak for most of my friends when i say -that ad is bakwaas..most of us dont go to buy that soap is cuz the ad is very cliche.."aap bhi pao komal si twacha" and anorexic kareena with a fake smile,..we ve seen that before on so many other ads with so many other actors..you guys should ve pitched it for someone else like something competing with dove or some other soap.yaar..bura mat maanna..honest feedback diya hai aapke soap ke baare mein..

Snobster said...

mUm's r always the same all over ;)
cud so totally relate there..
as far is the match is concerned...ummm i dunn relee understand what happens on Tv..stadium wud be great time pass....lol all over great post...Im hooked on to dis blog now!!
Cheers!

aman kumar said...

bhai jaan samag main aata hai ki aap bade logo main se hai time nahi milta hoga par jaldi jaldi blogs likhne ki kosish kiya kijeye.
its ultimate fun reading your blogs

Anonymous said...

Awesome Post.

daman kohli said...

seriously contemplating on ur advice to borrow telescope from my uncle in NASA for friday's semi's in which delhi are playing ....

and as usual i don't have adjectives left to comment .. but they do make me feel happy

Arora said...

ABHI UNCLE..itna time waste IPL mein kar rahe ho agar iska half time bhi comments ki reply mein lagatey tho readers ki duaein aur double comments miltey..............kya kabada matches hain & I am suprised ki how people are managing so many matches, mere ko tho lagta hai players bhi confuse ho jaatey honge ki who is in which team and which team they have to face ...........IPL simply CRAP.....isse achcha tho India,Bangladesh aur Canada ke T-20 matches ke tringular series kra dete, Atleast BCCI could have one more trophy to put in showcase :)...........but IPL knows that there are people like Abhinav Jain who have loads of time to waste and watch Instant Khichdi of cricket.............even Ekta 'k' soaps are better than them..........

Arora said...

ABHI UNCLE..itna time waste IPL mein kar rahe ho agar iska half time bhi comments ki reply mein lagatey tho readers ki duaein aur double comments miltey..............kya kabada matches hain & I am suprised ki how people are managing so many matches, mere ko tho lagta hai players bhi confuse ho jaatey honge ki who is in which team and which team they have to face ...........IPL simply CRAP.....isse achcha tho India,Bangladesh aur Canada ke T-20 matches ke tringular series kra dete, Atleast BCCI could have one more trophy to put in showcase :)...........but IPL knows that there are people like Abhinav Jain who have loads of time to waste and watch Instant Khichdi of cricket.............even Ekta 'k' soaps are better than them..........

satish said...

shant gadadhari bheem, shant!

Ujwal said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ujwal said...

hey dude,
u got a great blog going here. never thought u were so talented during our school days. u just beat me once in acads i remember but i am nowhere near u when it comes to writing talent.

ujwal

Anonymous said...

oh u talk too much...

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Anonymous said...

Intresting blog,though i read only two.. :D ..m adding it to my favs...
keep writing....

Ritu said...

u rock as always! reading ur blog is SO MUCH FUN!! nice post as always...reactions to Abhi going to Chandigarh are the funniest!! :)take care and keep blogging!

Aparna Kar said...

I know this is going to put me in serious gender identity crisis but Chandigarh ki bandiya sach mein bahut mast hai :P You are in for good times munnu beta. :D

shankarkotkar said...

This sight of 1st paragraph is very common in India,they attend the programme because of their money power though they don't know the head or tail of the event.Good post,keep on writing.

Anonymous said...

You are god at writing ..no doubt but in this post you sound cliched...!

Also, try not to be judgmental or look down upon people who are stressed or overworked...they have their own reasons to do so ...who are we to comment?

PSV said...

u had me in splits after this line "...couple of aunties sitting ahead of us are trying to find out which team is batting "

you liked Jackass kind of humor??? huh! you disappoint me.

you going to chandigarh! wow!
make sure you spend time in Punjab University..u hangout in 35 Barista, u party during afternoons @ Aerrizonna in 9, you drink juice and shake @ Minchy's in 15, u have chaat, golgappe in 23, u go for a walk in evenings in 36 park, u eat Bhalwaan de parauntthey in 15 market, u eat at Krishna in 18, u go to lake at late nights and really early mornings, u play golf @ golf club, u eat at Sher-e-Punjab in 35, u visit 17 to hear same kind of old hindi movie songs blazing from the music stores..u hangout in 17 sector mein barra wala Hot Millions, u go to Fun Republic to watch movies...have fun!

S SHYAM said...

Arre bhai itni pakau post kaise likh lete ho. Gandagi se bhari. Arre bhai kamse kam kuch tou sarm karo. Life me har cheez humorous nahi hai. Tum hashore ho kya ki kewal bewkufo ki tarah hashi titholi karte rahte ho. Arre bhai agar literary sense hai tou kuch serious laabhkari likho.

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KIRAN CABRAL said...

I am new to blogging but friend ur blogs r superb

Arwen Undomiel said...

Hey! Your blog still leaves me in splits :)... have fun in Chandighar and umm... wahan ki bandiyon se bach ke rahiyon....
Angel :)

Sach said...

hey nice blog!

Tell ur mom to chill 'coz Chd has the most interesting eating places...so no troubles with maggi!!
And yes! Chandigarh ki bandiyan mast hoti hai :)

Udham Singh said...

Politicians go to blast sites afterwards, because they are sure that now, no terrorist will be there, and hence, this place is the safest :)

Anonymous said...

Hey ,

After such a long time , Exactly Two years ago ..Now dont ask me whether i went moon walking on pluto ..

I jst googled your blog spot to know whether you were still around

Great Dude ,,,Its fun to see ya Still going strong ...

Remember John Shyam ?? I know its been a while ...

See ya around ,,on the same blog

John Shyam from Mumbai Now in Delhi !!

Homer said...

Abhi O Abhi..
Where art thou??
Two full moons.. One lunar eclipse.. 31 days have passed since your last blogpost..

When are you going to post something new??

You had written in one of your post your blogging is like to make a baby pee.. You cant force a baby to pee.. it will do it as and when it wishes.. But i wonder how it has controlled nature calls for one full month..

Common, your fans are tired of checking out your blog everyday to find Aiwe hi Bakwaas[title ;) ) being displayed on their monitor screens..

Priya said...

heheheee.. the comments u get are funnier than your blog.. esp. the march 03 post... awesome fun browsing thru them... package them and send it to a psychologist who is doing research trying to figure out the human mind and it'll keep him busy 24/7...
but nice posts dude... great writin!

Anonymous said...

aa haa..pooncho pooncho!!
: ), Confused!
U r and me too!

Anonymous said...

write something bitch!

Sarsij said...

Hi!

Lately I found the link to your blogs on PG, and since then I am quite reular at your page, and it gives me an immense pleasure in reading all your posts again and again. (how vella I am).
Needless to mention that you unique sense of humor and a unique way of presenting the ironies coated with humor is splendid.

I would not be out of place if I say that you really create such articles which send a sense of 'gud-gudi' in the minds of the readers. Keep it up :)

Isha said...

hey abhi...u r terrific...luv ur way f expressing situations..

Paradox Phillic said...

Stumbled upon you blog "aiwe hi"...
Good read... will come back for more

:)

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Anonymous said...

Waiting for your June 08 post.!!

Galadriel said...

hey, i stumbled upon your blog through sudipta's.. well, you know.. i actually went on a road trip last week through mianus, and i remember thinking to myself what a funny name that was.. and now you've posted my very thoughts!! :)

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Mads said...

hehehehehe u write awesome aewhi bakwas :D :D :D :D :D :D

*grinning away to glory*...

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THIS IS NOT THE SAME POST I ALWAYS LOOKED UP TO FROM YOUR SIDE...

:-(

YOU CAN CALL ME YOUR CRITICS THIS TIME

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आंटी की भूखी चूत (Aunty Ki Bhukhi Chut)

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