Sunday, September 23, 2007

Signal

Like other select young, successful and rich men around the world , I drive to work every day.Windows rolled up.AC cooled.FM playing.Laptap bag on the back seat.The normal setting.
It takes me half hour to get to my office in Gurgaon, time which I judiciously invest in planning how to avoid the boss during the day,how many coffee breaks to take that day,and what songs to download in office.Ah yes , and I spend time standing still in the middle of a sea of cars,bikes,tractors and trucks at the third most common thing on indian roads after potholes and lazy cows- the traffic signals.

Now , when the light is red ,it is a strangely empty phase of your life. Like those phases in the elevator,Loo or a bad date,when you need to just wait till it gets over.You can do a number of equally useless things.You can stare at the "Horn Please Ok"/"Road kee Rani"/"Keep Distance" painted in dirty yellow colors on the posterior of the truck ahead of you.You can check your hair in the rear view mirror ,though its a rather girly thing to do. Or , like the typical irritating and nosey indian male, you can stare at other people waiting in their cars around you.Which is what I do.
Strangers.Young men.Families.Women in their 30s.Headed to office.Tapping fingers on the steering wheel.Impatiently.Few relaxed.Most hurried.Their lives forcibly paused for those few moments till the light flickers to yellow .And then green , to signal the resumption of life as they know it.
Now, maybe I am one of those people who sterotype people.You know , the kind of guy who thinks every bengali wants to participate in a strike atleast once a week and every north eastern guy is born with a black belt holding up his diaper and every Indian living south of Madhya Pradesh worships Rajnikanth.Because whenever I look around at people in their cars at the traffic signal ,there are some typical kinds I find:
The Corporate Honcho
40ish year old.Balding head.Smart black business suit.He reads a Business Newspaper through his gold rimmed glasses as the powerful AC whirrs silently in his Honda Accord.A uniformed driver holds the steering wheel.Even the driver looks well fed and bathed.He belongs to the upper strata of drivers.Not like the shabby and wiry auto drivers who dig noses and smell like Harbhajan's vest after his ten overs.Class drips from the car and everything in it.But for a man so rich ,the guy reading the newspaper looks as uncomfortably stiff as an electricity pole (To be honest,my first thought was to compare the stiffness to that of something else.I know you know.)
He looks a bit grumpy.Like a guy who had too many mooli ke paranthe last night and woke up this morning to find the flush was broken.Maybe his son doesnt listen to him.Maybe he is worried about closing that all important deal with the Japanese.I dont know.But I dont want to be this guy when I get old.I know this much.
The Brat
Meet the College guy, who has been described as the "Ameer baap ki bigdi aulaad" by Bollywood since stone age.The kind which bullies bespectatcled nerds and ogles at Giggly girls at college.The car won't be very big here , unless Daddy is too lenient.Generally a Santro/Swift/Esteem.The back windshield plastered with stickers which say 'Speed Demon'/ 'Extreme Speed'/'No Fear' and other phrases with similar philosophy.Infectious Punjabi/Hip Hop music blaring from the speakers.And , a lot of dents and craters on the car body as if the car substituted for a Pakistani , when an angry ,Handpump toting Sunny Deol could not find one.
Finding him at the signal on my way to office is not easy due to two reasons-
A.He does not get up this early in the morning.
B.Even if he gets up and gets ready ,you need a tank or a Haryana Police Hawaldar to make him stop at a traffic signal.
Women
I think all the female drivers - Young,old,trendy,homely,fat,slim,etc etc should be grouped in one category, as I have done. Because in spite of their diversity in appearences and lifestyles ,they share that one common binding force in the matters of driving a car - They are all life threatening to the rest of the people on the road.Specially if they are on their way to a Discount Sale.

Don't get excited and organise a morcha yet.I know Sunita Williams went to space and did things like floating upside down there.I know Chak De India is a hit and we loved when the girls won.But pardon me , for I speak from personal experience.For one,women are extreme drivers.Either they drive very slow.So slow , Manmohan Singh in a frog race would overtake that car.Or , they will go fast like they got a pregnant friend on the back seat who is seven minutes away from delivering.
They would utilise the waiting time at the signal in pouting their lips at the rear view mirror.Checking if slight wrinkles at the eye corners are still there.Young girls who have a boyfriend ( Who doesn't,these days? Contact me.) may manage to send a cheesy sms before the light goes green and they are let loose on the society again.
If you love life , stay away from them.
Call Centre Cabs
I don't know how things are in other parts of the world.But in Gurgaon,the sight is as common as thumkas in a Bhojpuri movie.White Qualis or Innova.Young men and women cramped inside.Office cards hanging around their necks.Tired eyes.Crumpled clothes.These are the Sams & Jims and Marks of India who work in the Call Centres of Gurgaon , which outnumber the entire population of Alaska and Ibizza put together.Tired after a night of explaining how to switch on that washing machine to super dumb people in the USA ,these youngsters just lie slumped at the signal,unable to move because of lack of energry and space in the cramped vehicle.The drivers in this case,though mildly dangerous , are still angels when compared to women.
Though in very few professions you to get to spend the night with each other ,this car looks more like a sleeping lounge than anything else.
Young,sophisticated,rich,mannered and elegant men
These are men in their twenties who cheated in their exams and got into good Business schools and are now young managers in Big Companies.They dont look tense like the corporate honchos in the Accords since they havent got all those heavy duty tasks yet.They dont look tired like the call center guys since they got back early from the office last night claiming tummy pain and enjoyed a prolonged and refreshing sleep after the India Australia match.These are the perfect,most balanced and most wonderful men anyone can expect to see at a traffic signal,or on the planet , for that matter. Incidentally, I belong to this group.You could have guessed that from the adjectives ,anyway.
You see,trying to notice the different people waiting with you for those few moments at a signal is like trying to stuff Mayawati in a butterfly net.Different people.Different lives.Different emotions.Stuff above is as inadequate as my answers to the class X chemistry question paper.But I need to shift the gears and go now.The light just turned green.

87 comments:

Ye manzilen !! said...

So finally you admitted that you cheated your way to the B school....It was about time anyways!!
hahha

Good one man - enjoyed it..

Anonymous said...

Oye second comment mera!!

Ye kaise ho gaya re?!miracle!

-Deepa! :P

Anonymous said...

call kar le... agar kar sake to..

ice said...

hamesha ki tarah mast likha hai...aur female drivers k baarein mein ek baat nahi likhi...they'd always use both hands on the steering...also while waitin on a signal......

mayank said...

oy am in top 5....too much...dancing like harbhajan singh in india aussie semi final :)

Deepak said...

Way with words...Excellent!!

Anonymous said...

so u only write on weekend now is it?? nice post as always.. write more often..

padmaja

Shantanu said...

Heh! Interesting post. The only part I would argue with is getting out of the way of women drivers. In general, they drive slowly; too slowly for some behind them who then begin to honk/try passing them/etc!

Me_wid_Myself said...

Heyyy Abbhi.. how r u doing ?? Nice post sweety ! Knw whtt.. I have done a daily marathon in an Omni from Gurgaon to Noida for full 3 months and each day I used to Bet wid my frend.." Show me 5 Smiling faces in this long drive and win a Pizza ". And guess wht she has never managed a single Pizza !!
I wonder how ppl can remain so shutmouthed and grave faced in a beautiful early morning. Not a way at all to start your day !!
Anywayzz.. Knw whtt.. me too love Accord. Utni ameer kab banungi yaar mai..
CHalo have fun and eeenjoyyy..
And remember I still Love you..mmmuaaahhhhh.. :)~Shalu

Ravish said...

arey apne bike waalon ke baare main kuch kaha hi nahi...aur us bike par jab ek sundar sushil aur sexy kudi ho to..us situation ko bhi batana chahiye tha..

Waise...main to apke bhaktajanon main hoon islie 'nice post' aur 'good one' jaise shabdon ke prayog ko nirarthak manta hoon..

Tussi rock!!!

Cheers!!!

Anonymous said...

I knew it!!!! u 'll hit back...............................hard. One of the best written posts.......i liked it minnu.........oh sorry munnu.

Vandita said...

nicely summed up abhi...
u surely have a way with words :)
i still am learnin how to drive hope i dont become a hazard to other ppl on the road :-S

Ayesha said...

Hey u forgot to include those bikers who think that they r the Lords of the Road.....U write very well, I virtually relived my boooooring ride from home to office!!!!

satish said...

Oh, I know.

Abhi said...

@YM-I knew.Sach par parda ab aur nahi.

@Deepa-Aage se post chipkate hee tujhe mail kar dia karunga.first comment daalkar super miracle kar dio.

@anon - Yeah sure , thats easy. Just a little thing i need to know - kaun hai bhai ?

@ ice - yaar ladies dono haatho se itni dangerous hoti hai , ek haath se to tabahi laa degi.

@mayank - Ab to final ho gaya bhai.bhajji final ke baad to aur bhee jaanleva naacha tha.

@Deepak - :)

@Padmaja - Long back , I said this - Writing a blog is like making a baby piss . You cant make it happen when it is not to happen.You cant stop it when it has to happen.I still think the same.

@shantanu - Gurgaon girls can be fast !

@Shalu - Generally I type down words without thinking too much.But to put down a reply to 'i love u' is never easy .

@Ravish - Yaar bike walo pe jaata to saare two wheelers cover karne padte.I restrcited myself to the 4 wheels this time.:)

@anon - Hit back ? Arre bhai idhar koi khaandaani dushmani nahi hai kisi se :)

@Vandita - If you end up becoming a safe lady driver , you will be a rarity !:p

@Ayesha - Looking at the number of o's in boooooring , you remind me of Himesh :)

@Satish - Haha.sudhar ja.

Nidhi said...

A really cute post this time :)

Vaibhav said...

How true. Where is your office anyways? Guessing by your description I guess its somewhere around the Microsoft/Sapiet building...

Anonymous said...

@abhiji:

arre public mein aisa nahi bolte..log satta lagana shuru kar denge comment-atorz pe :P!!and miracle isliye bola because post padhne ke half hour baad dekha ki 1 hi comment hai :D !


And dont categorise all women drivers under a single category paleej :D..ever seen a car packed with punjabi auntiez returning from a kitty party?? The number of car acessories would be much less than their heavy gold jewellery..they'd be the most chirpy group with big packs of uncle chips/ruffle lays/BINGOS[ahem! :P ] rotating around..so indulged in their talks,the women often forget to notice the red-yellow-greeeen-ing of signal and make other busy people go green-yellow-red :P!!

ouch!zada ho gaya..

take care..

-Deepa!

kashika said...

u forgot to mention a very prominent feature of the traffic signal- beggars.

But maybe ur one of the lucky ones who never get to hear stuff like, 'bhagwan bhala karega.'

Interesting post :)

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anonymous said...

genuinely hurt by the "female driver" generalization..but thn who am i kidding..ur right..

btw..whr to contact u..i dun hv a bf??

Me_wid_Myself said...

Heyy Abbhi..
Its not that difficult to reply sweety.. effort maro thoda saa..
Vaise Its my b'day tday. Happiness me 7-8 chand aurr lg jaayenge if you wish me B'day today love.
Reply on your blog only. Mail-ID de ke waitng for ur never cming mail will be too much for my ego. Par Love k liye saala kuchh bi karega.. will chk in your blog daily.. Love you :)

your close said...

hey,

women ki drivering ke baar mai to likh hai. & what u say about man driveing specially jab unki girlfriend sath hoti hai,or aap driveing kaisi hai

Cindrella said...

There are two interesting things abt your blog.
First is u right so good, i like your post "generally".
Second is the comments u get r also funny (some of them), and ur replies to them too r funny.Even if i dont like ur post (like i didn't like ur last post), the comments come out to be entertaining.

Win-Win situation for u both ways.
Cheers!!

amyth said...

that's a superb one, bro. i take about 90min every morning to reach office. (i live in bangalore.. and no, i don't travel to mumbai every morning) my office is in the same city, but traffic here is so bad, we spend half of our life staring at people at the signal and categorizing them :D i was planning to post something too on this topic..

good one. and yes.. women drivers are always at the 2 extremes, and call center drivers are mostly on one xtreme.. the dangerous one!

tanul thakur said...

@ me_wid_myself:
Are u gay or plain demented?

Anonymous said...

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nasia said...

nice one.. :)

Me_wid_Myself said...

@tanul thakur: Aiyee Hello... Who are you to comment ??
I am not a gay.. aaughhhh...
Just a girl who loves a few persons on the earth and Abhi is one of them.. You gotta problem with that ??
I know thode se sweet words jyaada ho gaye the last comment mei.. but it doesnot mean that I am a gay... offfoohhhhhhhhhhhhhh....
~Shalu

samforyou said...

Stop being so biased about women on the road. Not all women are death machines on the road.Honestly,Grow up !!!!

samforyou said...

STOP BEING SO BIASED. ALL WOMEN ON THE ROAD ARE NOT DEATH MACHINES.FEW BAD EXPERIENCES SHOULD NOT BE GENERALISED.....HONESTLY, GROW UP !!

Vaibhav said...

Hey, are you still working with ITC Limited?

Shwet said...

so u wanna say that guys in their twenties are more sophasticated, elegent..blah blah whatsoever than those pretty bubbly gals around them, just vanish the gals around them i am damn sure that they all will start lukin like those call center chaps with crumpled shirts, rolled up sleeves and worn out tired faces.....and mind you gals at time drive better than guys

Arora said...

so u wanna say that guys in their twenties are more sophasticated, elegent..blah blah whatsoever than those pretty bubbly gals around them, just vanish the gals around them i am damn sure that they all will start lukin like those call center chaps with crumpled shirts, rolled up sleeves and worn out tired faces.....and mind you gals at time drive better than guys

Clueless said...

I'm reading your blog for sometime...guess in this post you;ve come a long way...interesting description...carry on...

Anonymous said...

abe! kitni der signal pe rukega, kuch naya likh be!

Anonymous said...

happy birthday.... wish u all the happiness....
luv
k

Me_wid_Myself said...

Wish You a Very Very Happy B'day !!
All Love and Luck your wayz Abhi..
GOd Bless You :)
Love
~Shalu

Anonymous said...

seems it was ur b'day.. wish u a very happy b'day.. we are missing u ... come bak!! :)
- padmaja

Emran Hashmi said...

Happy wala budday hainjee kisiko :)
- Emran Hashmi (I kissed at 18; remember?)

your close said...

Happy Birthday,

ABHI, tumne road ki public ke baare mai to likha diya apne pass rahe walo ke baare mai bhi kuch likho.

satish said...

happy budday!:D

Pavan Kumar AR said...

All the best

Anonymous said...

Hi I usually read your blog when i get totally frustrated with work. They are good.

This thime this is a mistake in your post. Youw wrote

"Their lives forcibly paused for those few moments till the light flickers to yellow .And then green , to signal the resumption of life as they know it."

Lights never turn Yellow when turning from Red to green. It is always Red and then green.

P.S. I dont drive

emran hashmi said...

reached mnla, bot a bk for siddarth :) hope siddarth likes it

-- I kissed at 18, remember?

emran hashmi said...

hope u got bck safe, watcha getting from luknw?

garima said...

Hey Abhi..that was a real good one..A little misogynist but true..

Good gng

Tarun said...

gud one...
but its been a long time since u wrote a post...where r u???
meanwhile i blogrolled u on my blog....i just started blogging...and u hav been one of the inspirations....

gud luck....

Anonymous said...

I Luv U.......RT ( P.S.>>>i m a guy)

satish said...

I Luv U.......TOO( P.S.>>>i m a gay)

50 maarne ke liye kya kya karna padta hai?!!

Anonymous said...

Always put a space " " after the full stop "." and the comma ","... not before.

Cuckoo said...

Nice one. You have quite a nice view about women. ;)

Serendipity said...

A friend sent me a link to ur blog and it ws my first experience of ur blog. and i must admit.. it was good... keep up the good work... i guess i wud be reading the previous ones soon..(hopefully the project delivery would not win the race again)...

take care
-SJ

Serendipity said...

A friend sent me a link to ur blog and it ws my first experience of ur blog. and i must admit.. it was good... keep up the good work... i guess i wud be reading the previous ones soon..(hopefully the project delivery would not win the race again)...

take care
-SJ

Naresh said...

hey man... so u in gurgaon now??? the post is as usual amazing... since i too succumb to the same pastime at Delhi signals, cud relate to every bit of it! :P

Niedhie said...

Hi Soul! I know I am writing after ages to you, don't actually blog that frequently these days. Could not stop myself from writing after reading this "Tired after a night of explaining how to switch on that washing machine to super dumb people in the USA". Ohh, I actually just did that myself a few days back, had called up the Telecom people and it got connected to some call center in India and they explained me the entire process of how to make that broadband work :-p I come in that category then ;-)

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Impersonation said...

Women are NOT bad drivers. They are just more careful!

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MeAwinner said...

Hi there,
I just bumped into ur blog from Sayesha's... you got a good writing style..as well as ... categroizing people...is too cool !!
I am one of the women & I accept that I am extreme Driver... when I am very cautious I get real slow... until I am confortable.. or sometimes... I m too fast.. when I know the Roads well.. or Highways....Good Observation !! :)
Keep it up..
Me..

pg said...

Heyyy Abbhi forgot to mention a very prominent feature of the traffic signal- beggars.

PSV said...

u r impressive dude. You keep the reader on a thought till just the right time.

You ended the post very well

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Harshi said...

Was really wonderful to read...mazaa aa gaya :-). Very enlightening too. Keep it up! :)

Nova said...

This is such a myth!

Some women drive better than men, just like some men drive better than women!

Anonymous said...

"These are the perfect,most balanced and most wonderful men anyone can expect to see at a traffic signal,or on the planet , for that matter. Incidentally, I belong to this group."

hahahahahahahaha... R u actually serious?? :D :D
just kiddin...
u write really well. read your blogs for the first time.
-Raze

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lavender tulips said...

I'm still only 1/4 way throught reading this post...but I had to say, please put a warning on all your posts!!!
I was using my inhaler as I was reading this post & I almost choked to death by snorting & laughing!!
Oh and I sure do miss those haryana havaldars!!!!!!!!!!

Inexplicably said...

I recently started driving the latest Scorpio. I swear at women drivers myself and I know what you mean. But as a woman I must tell you that there is another species of men - driving on a mental 'chitrahar' ( you may google to decode that in case you maybe underage). One hand holding the window up lest the roof may collapse and the other lazy on the steering, with all the time in the world to reach that place they never want to reach. I honk politely and he'll give way after mild deliberation since it demands the hand on the steering to exert a bit. But just as I pass the guy notices a woman on the Jeep and the hormones come alive.
Immediate honk honk in protest and then the mad, sometimes subtle and sometimes confused scramble to get back right ahead to regain lost 'mardaangi'.

:)

Nice blog, lost way and landed by accident.

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