Monday, April 13, 2009

Haseena Chamkeeli ka Phone Number

** H.E.L.P M.E. **

There is this company called "Foster Wheeler" with its offices at Chennai and Calcutta . If you work here , or know anybody who does , please drop me a mail at . I will be your slave . You say sit , I sit , you say run , I run , you say kill me , I will kill you . Please help me out guys .

PS - if your aunt knows a guy who works in an office a couple of blocks away from Foster Wheeler , thats not exactly a contact .


So , I made the leap . I have quit my job .

Last week , I walked into my boss’s room and said the words . I had actually practiced the entire thing , that fiddling with the mobile as I walked in , saying it with the right emphasis on words and tones , that pregnant moment of silence , when our eyes locked and none of us knew what to say ( why do I feel this sounds romantic ? ) , the entire setting you know , including the last part where I duck to avoid the chair hurled at me by him .

So , anyway , now that I am out of it , I have decided to follow my heart . In another month , I will be on my way to Kenya where I intend to be a part of a team and research if Gorillas can be trained to play cricket . Ok , don’t believe the last part . ( Waise topic interesting hai , I think they can , I mean , symonds does play cricket . Haha , kitna racist hoon main )

I will soon be joining a fresh job which does not involve any animals , and I know I will love it . Remind me to steal all the mousapads and paper weights before I move out. Delhi , I am back . Wait a minute , I must pick up the coffee machine on the second floor too .

But the thing which excites me to the most right now , along with the prospect of eating Chinese tonight ( I mean Chinese food , eating Chinese sounds like I am about to sink my fork into Mr Ching Loo Ming who lies prostrate on my dining table ) , is the phenomenon which has a strong hold on every young manly heart in this country , after the hold exerted by Music Videos of Haseena Chamkeeli ( seriously yaar , Bhojpuri Diva hai ) , that is – Indian Premier League .

Yes , the prospect of not having it before the Indian audience is a little damp . I mean , what’s more intriguing than the sight of a dark , wiry Indian man who , as soon as he senses the camera turning in his direction , invests all his energies into pulling out his kid from his lap and throwing him away , jumping up and down , and waving at the camera without any interest in what’s happening on the field , or the fact that his wife is probably looking at him on TV and asking herself “Is this the man I married ?”.

But I am very excited for the matches to begin . I wanted to support The Punjab team , but then , things between me and Preity just haven’t been the same since I saw Videsh .

About my life , you know what happened if you read the last part of the last post . ( And if you did read that , I will know that you have zero interest in your work . You know , the sort of worker who spends unnecessary time at the water cooler and in extreme moments of boredom , tries counting the number of keys in the keyboard . I mean , kitna blog padta hai yaar ? Itni padayi school mein kee hoti to aaj NDTV profit par aa raha hota tu suit pehankar . )

So , about what “happened” , I have never been so sure of anyone else before this . I thank you all for your wishes and I will return the favor by inviting you whenever I get married . You know , you can all dance in the baraat and freak the brains out of the ghodi. Waise that reminds me , these ghodies who carry the dude in the baraats must have so many dinner table stories to tell their families . I mean , imagine a horse family sitting around a dinner table with the papa ghoda , mummy ghodi and the little ghoda and ghodi and the ghodi regaling them with tales of the Red Turbaned Mr Ahluwalia in that Silver Jacket she saw enacting the naagin dance in the Joshi Family’s Baraat earlier that night . Hinhina hinhina kar hansteee hogi poori family .

And some time ago , I saw Govinda in an Amritsar Hotel .I mean , my idol ! Mere sapno ka raajkumar ! Now , if I was a celebrity being interviewed and the sugary host tilts her head to one side , looks at me admiringly and say “So aapko aisa banne ki prerna kahan se mili ?” , my answer would be “Prerna kahan mili ? Mana kar diya tha usne” . Ok , chilling kar , my answer would be “Govinda.” I mean , mast banda hai yaar . You know , to make people laugh sounds like easy , but if one decided to do it consciously , it is like being brave enough to climb a stage without your pants on . I know all these serious types log who think funny people are not really ready for the "kaam dhaam" of the world . I say the day you understand the mind of a funny guy , you will know how much of guts and stealing from Joke Books that needs.

And I hear there is a naya reality show on TV called “Rakhi ka swayamvar” . There will be a number of men ( what ? are they suicidal ) who will try to woo Rakhi and winner will actually marry Rakhi . Oh Jejus ! I mean , real shaadi man . Pandit and varmaalas and kids running around aloo chaat stalls and everything . One question for all the participants – “Kyun Bhaiyon ? Iss duniya mein suicide karne ke aur bhee tareeke the na ? apni socks doon ? soongh lo .”

Anyway , aaj to Baisakhi ki chutti hai ( Background mein “Harippa” ki ek dumdaar shout ) . So I am lazing in my room since morning . Now I must get up and do something more than write on a screen . Kulfi khaane ka mann kar raha hai , jaakar kulfi khaata hoon . Tu bhee kuch kaam kar le . Chal ja na , abhi bhee dekh kya raha hai screen mein . Bye .

PS – Subject Line ka koi sense nahi hai . logic mat doondh . Main jaanta tha aisa subject line dekh kar tu padega zaroor . Sudhar ja yar . Umar ka to lihaaz kar apni . :p


Girish (a.k.a) Gary said...

keys count karne ka phase beeth chuka hai.. Keyboard ka keys ab alphabetic order mein arrange kar raha hoon :D

Nice post.. happy kulfiying..

Charu said...

Hey Congrats! good to know that you found the love of ur life ... I wish her all the best!

Jeet said...

Nice. Kenya main jaake commentator banoge kya?

Symbol said...

Nice as usual!
Btw I saw your blog and there is a big add on the top saying
BJP redefines freedom
I thought u were a Raj Thakre supporter.

Sirius Black said...

U tricked me again..
Damn these subject lines :( GaWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWD

ADR (Silent reader since long) said...

"I have never been so sure of anyone else before this"
Congratulations, there!

Rahul... in City of Dreamz said...

water cooler times to ab purane ho gaye... ap TP ke naye funde hain... gtalk/facebook/orkut/blogger....

by god poora din nikal jaata hai ;)

himani said...

I liked it soo damn much =D

Chitwan said...

aye haye! sachchi hassa diya bure wala.. :P
the gossip amongst horses ws really funny and so was the rakhi sawant satire..
all d best for your life ahead.hope your boss is going fine without you :P

Abhinav said...

kya mast smell aayi iss post ko padh kar!

Anonymous said...

Aapka Govinda prem dekhkar bahut khushi hui...aur saari shaadi ki gossips mein se aapko bas ghodi waala kissa hi interesting laga?...anyways, mast post thi, morning ki beginning hi hansi ke saath...

American Idol

Serendipity said...

Absolutely fantastic post...
Is recession ke zamaane mein itna hasna accha nahi hai, specially when u r in office... but DAMN! One hell of a post...

Ye manzilen !! said...

Chalo accha I will buy the shares of ITC....they will make some profit NOW!

Good luck with ur next gig man..

snow said...

my first time here and hahaha that is a sooooper hilarious post! :D keep writing.. btw, congrats on finding your soulmate :) cheers!

Sarath said...

best of luck for your new job.. ghodiyo ki family,, sahi hai..

glad to know that u found the love of ur life, am nowhere close to that..

daman kohli said...

the old abhi is back ..and ya chimpz are good in commentary

Tarun Goel said...

Fuck! It was too good, whatever it is/was, it was too good :D
The rakhi-sawant news I just read and seriously will someone marry her???

Utkarsh said...

Amazing. Simply amazing.

I am in a way thankful to you that you carry your readers around to every major step of your life!

Needless to say your excitment levels seem to be on an exceptional level! Keep it up....

Naya Job kaha laga hai bataa...

Sagar said...

Lolzz....Good Post man....

Waiting eagerly for the next....

khushi said...

all I can say ooops write is hahahahahahahahahahahhaha :P

Anonymous said...

ye to cheating hai...i want that phone no... :P

Anonymous said...


nausea inducing post as usual

u make me feel gud abt myself

Uma said...

naya haath kahan maara Phodu? Agle post me jaroor batana..isse pehle ki openings khatm ho jaae udhar :) ..Congrats...btw post was hilarious as alwayz. loved it.

samidha said...

naaaaaice :)

All Talk and No Action said...


Am happy woh job chod diya....

Hopefully, ab zyaada meaningful kaam (blogging + eating) kar sakega na...rather than punching into excel sheets :)

Anonymous said...

hey you C***

i knw soon there'll be a post, where u'll describe hw u again feeling miserbale abt life!!

and m sure of tht!!

i pity u dude.

Anonymous said...

awesummm... as usual... i too share the same feelings with respect to the Rakhi sawant reality show! here's wishng u the vry best for ur new endeavour... :)

The Misdirected Arrow said...

Best of luck for the naukri chhokri n stuff! Recession times me kum kaam hone ki wajah se ab mujhe lagta hai ki I'm getting paid to come to office and read blogs... My one task for the day is over!

Prats said...

Thank God!! I thought after reading your last post that you are turning to all cuddly sweet emotional blogger. Good to see you back.

BTW congrats on the new job!!! Recssion ke is daur main nayi naukri Jain sahab, Badhiya hai ;-)

ketki said...

all d best!

Anonymous said...

u found ur soulmate ? gaya kaam se bacchu.
teri zindagi, tera sense of humour, tera aaram, tera chul-bula ban, tera timing, tera sukh-chain aur gale ki chaain ....sab lost now. tere pankh kaat diye jayenge. phir tu gaana nahi gaa payega ki--panchi hu udne do...
waise tujhe kapde dhona aata hai na?

ek silent shaadi-shuda guy who found his soulmate last year and got married. ab watt lagi hui hai. mere par kaat diye gai hain.

the girl who ate too much and didn't even burp said...

Hahahaha you get better and better with every post! I'm very happy for you and your partner :) All the best with your new job!

Ekta Khetan said...

Hey, thats a very nice one...Haseena chamkeeli..hahaha..

Very interesting blogs.

So you finally cheering up for Ms Zinta or no? :-)

Anonymous said...

tell us abt ur new love....give us some info :-P

Richa said...

Haseena chamkili sahi mein deceptive tha. hehehe
Mast post waise. Bas Prerna nahi mili type wala thoda cheesy tha.

anupam said...

tussi writer bun jaao abb! chal enjoy....

@Richa,tu fir se:)Thanks Durga Ji!

Richa said...

@ Anupam .. hum Kumbh waale log hain lagta hai..

Anonymous said...

This comment is not related to your last post but related to your blog.
I have been browsing thro some blogs and landed on this page following the followers of followers.
Your style of presentation seemed to be little natural, realistic and interesting but didnt expect that it will make me bakra in my manager's hands.
It was almost evening when I reached your blog, I initially thought will leave office after reading one POST. "No one can read just one" happened with me and read second and continued...
when i completed 6-7 posts, my manager came to me saying "Oh thats great that you are still in office, need your help very badly, please help me in preparing for a client interview tomorrow" and made me sit till 10.30 PM :(((((((
Poor me!

Anonymous said...

kya baat janaab ..bada mood main likha hai tumney .. by d way mujhey aisa kyun laga raha hai ki tum bhi TomCruise jaisi feelin dey rahey ho ..chaaron taraf kood rahey apni chaal pey dhyan do janaab, kuch badal gayi hai.
.. years old tinkle is back in ur post..fir say :-)

Vinod R Iyer said...

Resignation letter muh pe marna tha ..the old Shtyle .. :)

Keep moving !

Anonymous said...

you wrote absolute crap...
but it was good to read...
started at something and ended at something else

Vandita said...

the horse family bit was awesome!!

neelu said...

Hi Abhi.... good tht u will be leading the life u wished for.

geeta said...

I was just surfing through and stopped by your blog reading Punjab di khabran(Punjabi is good)or would have written Punjab diyan khabran...sorry(I just started talking as if I belong to your blogger group) leaving all that..It was real fun reading your posts and I enjoyed it thoroughly.I am new to blogging. Just drop in at my blog some day and share your views....
thanx and all the best

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
How do we know said...

long post, but i totally loved it!!

Abhinav said...

ohh.. you are back!!!
i was worried!

ketki said...

thanx 4 makin d blog again
i cudnt hav survived without it
no exaggeration!

Anonymous said...

blog badal diya kya?

rakesh.parwal said...


Lady Z said...

When you made your blog 'invite only'...I almost had a heart attack. Dont do that!! Or add me to tht esteemed list :P

Anonymous said...

blog change mara kya?

Rajiv said...

hehehehehe mast mast mast yaaarrrrrrrrr

karta rehh......bloggingggggg:D

Anonymous said...

wtf yaar?? kahan hai tu?

Deepti said...

fun post..:))

Anonymous said...


Neetal said...

Well,I read your blogs occassionally and I must confess,this one really tickled my funny bone?
How do come up with such a brilliant humour?
I m amazed.

Kiran said...

Long time no write!

Anonymous said...

You would love to see this...

Renie said...

You should nominate your blog for IndiBlogger of the Month - the category is Original Humour :-)

Anonymous said...

you haven't stopped blogging have you! waiting for new stuff

Anonymous said...

been ages since a new post !

Jayesh said...

New here but am addicted to the blog already :)

Anonymous said...

sirji kaha ho??...long time no c?

Anonymous said...

come back....pls

tantrik... said...

Ultra blog bhai!!!!!

Anonymous said...

u quit ITC still stuck there haha ;)

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