Saturday, October 01, 2011

Marital Tactics Vol.1: How not to be killed by your wife

It is said that inspiration is a great thing. It makes people endure pain, leap over obstacles and do incredible stuff like climb the Everest, swim across the English Channel or sit through Mausam. ( I did that last weekend, and it has left me traumatized. My doctor says I will never be able to enter a multiplex with confidence again. )

And today, a good 366 days since the last post on this blog, I have found my inspiration to come back here. Yes, the only comments I now find here are gentlemen peddling 'Shakti & Saphoorti' imparting capsules, interspersed by one from a 'prisoner of the Russian mafia' who wants my help. ( Mere Russian Dost, delhi police ki site blocked thee kya ?).

But then, the inspiration to write is noble and compelling. For I realised that it is my duty to share with the mankind, guidelines which can help them when they are faced with the biggest challenge of their lives - Being Husbands. Yes, if you thought passing those college exams was difficult, being a husband is like passing them a day after the Dean has found your colourful sms on his daughter's cellphone. Of course, the arsenal needed to surpass this challenge is varied, but here goes some I have learnt over the last one year of marital tactics. In case any of them do backfire and lead to your separation from wives or girlfriends, write me a mail. So that I know it's time to shift to another country before you track down my IP.

Guideline 1: Don't Ignore the Bathroom Ki Tubelight

When I was unmarried, it would have taken me a death threat from Lahore to change a tubelight that's not working. I distinctly remember that during my entire year in Chandigarh, I stayed in a house that had no lights in the bathroom. So when last month, my wife informed me that the tubelight in the bathroom had died a quick death, I smirked and said 'Chill maar yaar, andhere mein padosi par thode hee paani dal jayega.' And then I turned up the TV volume. Double Fault.

Dismissing the Tubelight crisis. And turning up the volume. Never do either of them when you are married. Wives have this unrelenting ability to get you to fix the most useless of things, things any unmarried guy would barter for a DVD. Washing Machines. Power Plugs. A mixer grinder that won't smash up 'dhaniya'. So when your lady approaches you with a task of this nature, never smirk. Just switch off the TV, put on the most grim expression in your kitty and change that damn tubelight.

Guideline 2: Know her Kaamwali's Schedule

I had booked the 11 am show on a Sunday. The reviews had been great, it was all about guns and explosions, I had picked up the car keys and excitedly yelled "Oye chal yaar, late ho jayenge !". And in that moment of anticipated happiness, floated back her voice from the other room 'Abhi ruko ! Sabina jhaadoo karegi abhi.' Unable to believe that she considered a clean floor more important than a couple of hours with hollywood, I tried winning this and shouted back 'Jhaadoo kal lag jayegi yaar! Roz to lagtee hain.'

No reply from the other room, as my wife chose to refrain from countering such imbecile and 'unhygeinic' remarks. Just the heart breaking sound of a broom sweeping the floor. By the time we reached, the villain was already half dead. So the learning is - Accept that to a wife, the complete and satisfactory discharge of the duties of her kaamwali are paramount. She will make you miss movies, hop across the floor, and even order you out on the balcony, all with the single minded objective of 'Sabina maarofying acchi jhaadoo.'

So after your marriage, plan your life and activities around the schedules of her kaamwali. Don't be me. Don't miss that awesome movie.

Guideline 3: Just go where she says the better Tamatars are

The entire wives clan loves to shop in crowded places. They have this logic strangulating hypothesis that if there are so many women fishing around in that stack of tomatoes, those tomatoes would the best. So even though there is a perfectly cheerful gentleman selling a diverse selection of vegetables right on the street next to our home, Missus makes me drive to mall every weekend where she spends hours smelling cabbages and poking through potatoes, while I push the cart zombie like, planning to stab myself with a banana. And the literal cherry on the top of this veggie pile is when at on our way back, she smiles arrogantly and says 'Dekha ! Iss store mein tamatar kitne acche milte hain, aur saste bhee - I just saved almost 45 bucks on them.' I nod, feign admiration and say 'Wah. Kya badiya tamatar khareede hain.' And think to myself 'Car Parking ke charges hee 60 rupye the.'

There are so many more. And I am quite on a self ignited drive of 'husband anshan' right now. So I must save these pearls of wisdom for some other evening, and stop now. And before you transform into a little Anna Hazare yourself and say 'Bechara Abla Aadmi", save yourself the bother. Yeh sab to main aise hee timepass ke liye likh raha tha. I am drenched in marital bliss, and my wife doesn't have a problem with dead tubelights, cares a hoot about the kaamwali's work, and buys her veggies from that seller next to my house. It's all good. ( She may find out about this blog. And one should never criticize the wife's habits when there is a possibility of her finding out. That's the last guideline for today.)

64 comments:

Aviral Shrivastava said...

am I the first one to comment...alas..a post from you after such a long hiatus...

Geetika gupta said...

It seems the husband life is taking its tax from you....
Keep paying buddy, its for your betterment only :) :)

Abhinav said...

GREAT TO SEE YOU BACK! :)

Abhinav said...

And now the comment. Haha, seems you are now deep into marital life.. All the best and keep messing up things so that you keep getting inspiration to write again!

akshaya said...

Nice to see a post from you. Your sense of humour continues unchanged, marriage notwithstanding :)

Blue said...

sharing this with my hubby of 15 months. he still hasn't figured out the psyche of a wife :)

Anonymous said...

Hey glad that you have started blogging again...arey i hav grown up reading ur blogs :P :)

Vidhi said...

Abhi - visiting your blog after a really long time! in between, you had made your blog private and i couldnt visit it anymore! anyway, i see that you got married in the meantime - hearty congratulations! and as always it was a pleasure to read your post - nice way to start the day with a good laugh!! do we get to see some pics? or would that be under wraps for now?

Bunny said...

Welcome back dude!!! we missed ur days with urself..i hope from noew onwards there will be a regular supply of wisdom

Shashi said...

You have seen one husband's life and you have seen them all :-)

suvra said...

Abhinav...

its sooo damn good to hav u back in t blogging world..missed u immensely in the past 1 year..
u r amazing as ever..
Keep Writing n putting smiles on our faces..
u excel in dat..as much as u excel in understanding the nuances of being a husband...
Cheers!!

Anonymous said...

You're back! Awesome. Well wishes from New Zealand :)

Samin Sayeda said...

please please please dont stop blogging ever again..i searched high and low all over www for an abhinav jain who oce regularly wrote in this space. I MISSED YOU :'(

parikrama said...

Mausam ka review likkho bhaai.. :)

Welcome Back..

the.orchestra.of.life said...

ahhh .. finally the comeback !! :)

Galaxian said...

Welcome Back..Please Stay! :)

Its u said...

Hehee... thts a nice entry Mr. Jain. Good to see you tapping fingers on keyboard again. Keep writing... Bless you and your words.. :)

Stubborn to the Core... said...

Hey Abhi...Nice to read ur spicy explanation...My dear husband would have agreed to what you wrote...LOL...Keep Writing..
Cheers,
Me

Sarsij said...

Thanks yaar......regularly likhne ke liye agar paise lene ho to bata dena....I am almost a slave for your kind of writing :)

politices said...

Awesome blog.
u r amazing as ever..
Keep Writing.i love your writitng..


love sms

Vinod R Iyer said...

yay .. back form the sabbatical. Hope u wont post only on anniversaries :)

Jiyo aam-husband jiyo

confused said...

god you are ALIVE....

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unerring said...

Guruji Ra-One ka review likho.....

Its u said...

Guruji is on vacation i guess, must be enjoying in Goa beaches :P

Saurabh said...

Abhi this time the number of comments have gone down...
waise bhi bhaisahab aajkal ke bache free time anna ke saath aanshan par baith jaate hain...blogs ka zamana laad gaya...

Sundari said...

Hey hey hey kiddo....howdydoody...you definitely been learning fast ;)

Ada said...

mera blogger wapas aaya o ramji..... mera blogger wapas aaya o ramji (i know u know the tune) :D

Its u said...

Pucche jo koi teri nishani naam Ada likhna :P

sangeeta said...

kaha hai tu?

Neetie

Bhawana said...

I stumbled upon your blog one fine day and it was an absolute delight !
Quite unlike myself, even thought of mailing you to ask why aren't you updating !
And "GlAD" I am right now !!!

Do Keep writing and delighting your readers!

Parul Tongaria said...

Abbe yaar!! yeh toh ekdum awesome hai!! lol-ed throughout the post. Good stuff!! It will make for a better selling and better writing than the Chetan Bhagat autobiographies.

Droopy Rose said...

Kudos to your research!!!The day is not very far when your this post will be read while "saat pheres" and husbands will have no choice but to adhere by it to the max :-)

NAcheese said...

I agree completely....

I used to be so chilled out... but ever since that fateful day of my marriage (shivering still).. I have become egg-xactly like this wife you were writing about.

It like i can't help it...

:(

Introvert said...

Hillarious!
Though i am now going to reconsider my thoughts of getting married at an early age.

Jitendra Gupta said...

hey abhi;;
nice post man;;
although i m unmarried but i will surely follow guidelines given by you;;;

ketki said...

so happy u r back :)

Bisal Singh Nayal said...

Awesome..!!! :) .. !! Your blogs are evergreen I keep re-reading them a lot :)

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Shashi said...

Why are you writing my marriage story on your blog? :-)

MyGrahak said...

Hilarious. Witty. Funny. Well, that’s how I would like to define your blog post. I mean really it seems like you have mastered the pathways to a good and secured marital relationship. I am sure your wife isn’t that a Hitler as you have mentioned. Actually the incidents are quite funny. In fact, all those who are currently married will be able to relate to your experience. But the way you have presented the incident and happenings makes it even more hilarious.

Divya Bhaskar
MyGrahak.com

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maxsamuel said...

I love this blog and can’t get enough of every aspect of it. You are a fabulously talented writer and manage to make everything so relatable. You are so good at this in fact, that sometimes while reading I feel like our hearts and minds become one and basically I feel as if I am reading my own thoughts.
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Kunal said...

Hmmm....Never laugh at your wife's choice, you are one among them...:P

Kunal said...

Hmmm....Never laugh at your wife's choice, you are one among them...:P

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academically impaired said...

sirjee , ek saal hone ko hai, kuch to likh lijiye blog pe, aap ke fans taras rahe hain :D

mante hain vaivahahik jeewan mein vyast ho gaye hain, bt we're really looking upto a new blog

Its u said...

Jain sahab apni book likh rahein hai kya ?

Naresh Kumar said...

Hey dude where are you? Update :/
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Naresh Kumar said...

Hey dude where are you? Update :/
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My journey said...

I incidentally stumbled upon this blog and my god, cant stop laughing. Though unmarried but need to keep these things in mind :D ;)

Samin said...

Where are you ? You need to update ASAP :-C

Jyots said...

Hi Abhi,
Good to read your post after so long. Why don't y write more often. Im sure Mrs. won't mind seeing your huge fan following.
Pl write soon.

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soumya jain said...

Don't u think it to be funny if there's a possibility of ur wife finding this out and ur like "One does not simply complains about his wife's habits publicly"..:p

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Nidhi said...

Hilarious..
Hope my hubby doesnt read this.. waiting to read Vol.2.. ;)

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