Saturday, November 19, 2005

Nattu bann gaya CD

Hi , I am 21 , Male , Single .I want to know you more .Please Please Please talk to me !!! Mail me at Romantic_bandar @ single-apes.com

Like a good masoom seedha saadha Indian Citizen , I should warn you beforehand – Highly senseless and Hindi ridden post ahead. You better watch TV instead. Or listen to backstreet boys instead . Or take a bath instead .

This post is inspired by the numerous cyber guys who would give their pancreas , large intestine and liver to talk to a female. Some facts have been modified to protect the privacy of some individuals. The views expressed are entirely and stupidly MINE , intent is not to offend anyone , but just to express my amusement. But if you are actually offended , I can’t help it. All I can offer is an apology in anticipation.

*****************

There is a blog which is maintained by a girl. Some days ago , I find this comment to one of her posts -

*****
hi ,

Blah Blah Blah ( you know , all that nice blog , cute blog , sweet blog , mast blog , coochie coochie blog types formalities )

I wanted to know u more, plz drop in a mail to me

Cool_dude231@aao_chat_kare.com
*****

So I was like “Hmm , must be from a boy’s school .Theek hai , itne saal ladko ke beech , thoda sa direct hai…fine.”

Two days later , I find this comment on the same blog by the same guy –

****
Blah Blah Blah.

aur haan , agar time ho , then i wud really like to chat with u.
*******

So I was like “Oh , must be from a boy’s school and must be having no girls in his colony. Theek hai , na school mein ladkiyan , na colony mein , thoda chipku types organism hai…fine.”

Two more days , another comment .Same blog.Same guy.

********
hey, sach , i want dosti .
Can we chat sometimes on yahoo etc

Cool_dude231@aao_chat_kare.com

************

So I was like “Whoa ! Is it a bird ? Is it a plane ? No , wait ! It’s a CD !”

CD ? Now before the techno geek in you thinks Compact Disk , let me explain. And in a tribute to all the dadi ma log of this world who have long serenaded the colony kids pappu , gappu , pinki and dinky by their stories , let me explain in the way of a little story.

Ek CD ka janam :Ek ladke ki tanhaayi ki sacchi kahaani

Once upon a time , there was a boy called Nattu , who lived in the remote village of Ramgarh in some remoter state of India.

Now Nattu had a very deep interest in girls .Nattu cut out pictures of bollywood actresses from Hindi Newspapers ( primarily Punjab Kesri , and some other ‘chatpati khabron” wale papers ) and kept them in a little wooden box and dreamt of having a girlfriend of his own . He spent 25 minutes before the mirror on a daily basis and moved a comb in his ‘chameli ka tel’ oiled hair to grab the hairstyles of Ajay Devgan or Anil Kapoor or Mithun Chakraborty. But haye yeh bedardi zamaana, uske gaon ki kisee kanya ne Nattu ko nahi daala daana .

So Nattu kept to cutting out pics of Mamta Kulkarni and Juhi Chawla and Kimi Katkar ( Kimi who ? Abbe HUM nahi dekhi ? The Jumma Chumma kudi ) from Hindi newspapers and wondering when he would find some girlfriend.

Then one fine day , Nattu’s Dad – Chaudhari Kartaar Singh , and their neighbour Chaudhari Lalkaar Singh were sitting under the village Banyan tree in their baniyans .Over long and gurgling blows on the wooden hukka they were sharing , Chaudhari Lalkaar singh bragged about his son Lallan finally moving onto class 3 after spending three years in class 2 . Chaudhari Kartaar Singh felt offended at this unwanted bragging .

Within three minutes , Chaudhari Kartaar Singh and Chaudhari Lalkaar Singh resorted to physical fighting and were rolling in the dust while tearing at each other’s clothes with elaborate referrals to each other’s sisters and mothers in their native language. Villagers managed to separated them , but not before they had broken the hukka , torn apart each other’s baniyaans and threatened to murder each other’s cattle .After this , Chaudhari Kartaar Singh went home , beat his wife Laajwaanti , gulped down three bottles of Haywards 5000 and yelled “Mhaara Beta bhee Sakoool Jayega !”.( My sonny boy shall attend school too ! )

So Nattu hoped he would be able to work his imagined charm on the girls in his class now . But Nattu was heartbroken again , to find that he was being sent to “Ramgarh Senior Boys School”. So even though Chaudhari Kartaar Singh could now sit proudly under the Banyan Tree and proclaim about his son spending years in the same class , Nattu was all the more frustrated . He tried to woo the RaamPyaari , who sold cheap ice creams near his school gate , but was promptly beaten up by the Pappu Muscle , brother of RaamPyaari and the reigning champion at the “Ramgarh wrestling tournament” organized by the local Hanumaan Akhaada on an annual basis .

And then , it happened.

Nattu was introduced to a computer in class 9 .And with it came internet .The revolution.

Messenger. Chat rooms. Orkut. Blogs.

The world was his playground. And the world’s cyber girls were his potential girlfriends.

Nattu picked up Salmaan Khan’s image for his profile pic , learnt some basic “ hi hello how are you thank you” English , stretched his fingers on the keyboard and unleashed his desperate fury …..Nattu bann gaya Cyber Despo !

*****

And the cyber world is bubbling with such Cyber Despos right now. I am not talking about the thing where guys and girls around the cyberspace log on , indulge in harmless banter , a bit of leg pulling , silly talk and then log off . It happens all the time and isn’t anything too freaky for me .

I am talking about this exotic breed of guys who continue to amaze me with their amazingly low sense of self respect and amazingly high need to talk to a girl. I mean , the way they sound desperate , I guess they must be going around pleading “please talk to me” before electric poles in some time . I mean, I don’t know if girls like such guys , but I would have been a girl , I would have been like “Abbe , itna desperate kyun hai mere laal ? ”.Before I end , some real scraps left by guys on girl’s orkut scrapbooks -

Salaam... u look so cute...u look sort of simplicity...wana be my friend...

( No thank you , and if I look ‘sort of simplicity’ , you look ‘sort of stupidity’ )

friend so sweet as me
u wont have else 2 see
wanna have an awesome twosome rap
then drop a word in my little scrap.
hi, love to have me
ur friend?
u'll be gettin such sweeties ,i send

( Arre Baba Sehgal jee , aap orkut par ? )

hey hi hw r u du hve any yahoo id of urs

( Yess yess yess I have a yahoo id : sis_of_tyson . Wanna chat ? )

Hi....hand of friendship......wanna hold? :)

( Hand of friendship ? Uee ma ! What happened to your own hands ? )

hello mam u havent told me abt what ur doing....
i m not like all guy present here in ur scrap book.....if u r intrested in reply then only i'll write u scrap more....otherwise i wont write u ny more...
so dear just like a good frd tell me something........

( Hai allah , kitna self esteem se bharpooor ladka hai , subhaan allah ! )

hi
what r u dooing now a days bcoz u stopped scapping me please reply i'll wait four your reply

( It is so moving to hear that you would wait four me. I will wait five you )

50 comments:

Fursat said...

Nidhi aur tujmein koi competition chal raha hai kya...long post likhne ka??

sunshine said...

munnu, samjha karo, most men are frusth in life. Those hilarious comments, Hi, single male from Mumbai, fone number is ^&&*%$%@&^*&*, wanna talk hot? BTW, which female's scrap book is this that you are following so closely? KK Detective services??

Shreyansh said...

Hahahahaha :))) (Kursi par)

I mean hahahahahaha ::)) ( Kursi se girte hue )


Ok I will comment on the post when I stop laughing , but it was toooo good.

:))) ( Zameen pe )

Fursat said...

hehe..nattu ko koi gf mili ya nahi...:)) aur kartar singh...kafi research ki hai tumne??

hmm yeah net is full of these kinda guy...

by the way..whos tht gal...on which a guy wrote tht comment..?? bol bol..

Sudipta Chatterjee said...

Munnu bhai, kahin ye Nattu ki aadh mein aap ki biography to nahi?? :)

On a more serious note, I know, yes, that such guys abound the cyber world. And as you put it, one can stoop to that level when he has no traces of self-esteem left. Well said.

ANGEL_NIDHI said...

@ Abhii
hiiiiii
areee tu kya scraps chipkaye yaha pe.. mujh se mangta.. after readin my blog i hav so many CD msgs on my yahoo as offliners.. n as mails on my rediff acc :P .. orkut is full of CDs .. hehe..

********************************
@ neetie
Chup ho ja bilkul.. me lambe post ni likhti.. vo apne aap ho jata he..hehe..
kya re .. bhai behen k beech competition kara ri hu.. abhi batau kya tere koo?? :P pitegi ladki .. abhi bhi pitega tujhe :P muuhuhahahaha..
newayz... tere story wale post se lambe post mene aaj tak ni padhe :P..
n...blogger pe na post ki width kam hoti hai.. rediff pe vo post width zyada he.. n moreover.. rediff ka font size kam he.. blogger ka zyada.. sachoiii....
tu word express ka invitation de naa ;)
byee
tc
nidhi

Fursat said...

@Nidhi: bhai-behan milke long post likhte hai aur phir explanation dete hai...

jayada excuse mat de rediff and blogger..

abe woh hit story thi...ppl still remind it :)

ek to mere blog ke baare mein bolti hai aur word press ka invitation mangti hai..

ranjan said...

Hehe :)), sahii post !! I wish that "iitian" gets to read it as well...:)

Btw, IIM-C mein joh Nattu hai, woh bura nahin maanega :)) ?

!xobile said...

aye haye!
kitna ganda aadmi hai!!
kitne badiya post likhta hai!
mazaa aa jata hai!

best was
'maara bheta bhi skool jaayega'

shit yaar.. awesome

Lover_Boy_Cute_only_4u said...

Hi abhi
I know you a girl.
So Why don't we meet up sometimes. I'm a real good company and handsome too. All my girlfriends tell me this.
Okay. Before meeting we should be friends..

So I wanna franship with you.

Bye Sweetie

Sayesha said...

Hahaha!

Some time ago, I wrote a post on my personal experience with a CIG. I call them CIGs. Creepy Internet Guys. This one's English wasn't so bad.

But some of them are just SO pathetic! :D

Another classic I got over MSN: "I want to do friendship with you."

Hahahaha! :D

Anonymous said...

Seems like you have lost your form. The only good thing about the post is the term "Cyber Despo".

Miss Sea said...

some people prefer chasing women thru their blogs..they write about their breakups and what they have learnt from it, etc etc etc

Just kidding.:P. LOL.

scrolled thru the comments to see if someone else had left this nasty comment already but apparently mister anonymous chose to be nasty otherwise

Raam Pyari said...

:))) hahahahha!!! you know ,i was laffing so hard that my mum came to mah room and shez like whats so phunny on the internet???
hehe..
Munnu..the pic s just toooooo funny!!!And i just loveeedd your story!
On a more serious note ,you have just mentoned the tip of a bhery huge iceberg! All this internet thing (however nuaseating it might be) is really not that harmful....real life mein toh bus mein 15 mins bhi 15 years lagane lagte hai ! there are bus despos, college despos, office despos, roadside despos..the list is just endless!!!!

aMyth! said...

heehee... that was funny!

yup, that's so true. once i tried chat thru mobile, and i entered a busy chatroom.whatever i tried, no response from anyone. so next day i logged in with a girly name.. called myself diana or somthing. and belive me, i didn't have to send even a single message. i started getting messages from so many guys with their private number, asking me for private chat!!!
creeps!

Lunatic said...

"The world was his playground. And the world’s cyber girls were his potential girlfriends" hahaha thats true..some ppl try there lavel best getting chix on internet

yossarian said...

Arre Baba Sehgal jee , aap orkut par ?

Hilarious !!!!!

And thanks for the good wishes for CAT. Kal dopahar tak batata hoon kitna work kar gayee :)

Anonymous said...

abe phir tu kya hai..... apne blog par apne breakup ke senti-senti kisse likhkar ladkiyon ko emotional karne ki koshish karta hai....doosron ka mazaak udana aasan hai. pahle apne girebaan mein jhaank kar dekh despo.....

dotty_pixie said...

tumne ek dukhti nerve par haath rakh diya hai.
seriously u know..wenevr i get these kinda msgs..i dunno whether to scream for help, or kill my self to see such a slaughter of the english language.nd u cn just imagine thses sidey guys!!eeuch..i can almost smell their BO reeking of 'i want to make frends' sweat!
yeuch!

sunshine said...

Lagta hai the nattu type cyber despos have been deeply hurt by this blog. Kaise anonymity ka robe pehenkar apna loser like attitude dikha rahe hain. Ahem!

abhinav said...

@neetie - yeah.and the winner gets a three day two night trip to mauritius , entirely sponsored by neetie.

@sunshine - oh no no no u got me all wrong , there is no particualr female ive been tracking on orkut.infact there are six of em , ive left - 'Hi , i want to build friends to you' liners on their scrapbooks.wish me luck.

@shreyansh - ruk ja mere bhai , underground matt chala jaiyo.:).Glad u liked it.

@neetie - chup sharartee , aisee baatien bhee bhala bataeein jaatee hain ?

@sudipta - abe poster boy , Nattu ki aad mein likhna hota to likhta hee kyun ? ;)congrats fr the national fame man.

@nidhi - lo karr lo baat.apne ghar mein hee khazana tha and main bahar paise maangne chala gaya.aage se u r my official CD scraps supplier.

@nidhi n neetie - lado na please.get violent.scratch cheeks , pull hair , girl fight is nice !:P

@ranjan - ha ! yeh man hes my inspiration after all.n u know nattu ? :)

@mani -saale tu jab khush hota hai to shit kehta hain , gusse mein kya kehta hain ? bull shit ?

@lover boy - ooh big boy , here you are ! maine tujhe doondha yahan wahan yahan waha , n tu mujhe mila yahan ? I also waaant frandsip with u.aaja na handsome.;)

@sayesha - yeah read it :).man , a few of more gals like you , n koi CD banne se pehle tera naam yaad karke 4 baar darrega.

@anon - thanx fr liking something.n frankly dude , dudette , i like coz I find it fun.i may as well not post it , but some kind people seem not to mind reading it as well.:)

@TT - table tennis ki amma , u too ? Crick.crick.crick.oh dnt bother , thats just my heart cracking.

@ruchi - yeah i agreee.but i guess im too insignificant to clean up the society , so i may have some fun at the cost of these people.but i know its tuff being a girl.yea , i loved the pic too.:)

@amyth - shucks , that 'diana' was you ?? remember hotguy_768 ? that was me , trying to woo you .:(

@lunatic - yeah.umm...if u r a girl , shall we make friendship ? ;).kidding man !

@nipun - man , a real heartfelt all the best to you.you are a great guy , now be a great manager too.

@anon - man u know wat.i know wat i feel.u think i am a despo , ur choice.u think i am a saint , ur choice again.im not here to change u.but i can almost touch the layer of insecurity around you bhai.sacchi.ur anger just gives it away.

@nivindiya - man , i agree they wont qualify as shakespeare's pupils.but they sure bring in some color to the language.:)

@sunshine - arre sherrni , cool down.it dsnt bother me.i know wat i am.they cant change it.chill buddy !:)

ranjan said...

Nattu is my batchmate :), we were both dual degree folks at [u know his college :)].

disillusioned said...

amazing post..never thought a BOY would write this ..its all so true n so frustrating..espescially ever since orkut with its open sbs came into scene..
n wat is worse is sometimes u talk to a guy who seems to be decent ..all the guys in his list will line up too n on top of that they will carry out these highly cheap n detailed discussions abt the girl concerned..n dissect every detail abt her even if they dont know her n pass derogatory comments n not look at themselves twice..if they think these girls r so lowly why r they so desperate to talk to them?
they r just sick sick sick!
i feel like shouting...
no, i feel like crying...
munnu tumhara kandha kahan hai...

Ashish Gupta said...

BEEN THERE, DONE THAT!!

oh shit :O nooo i didn't meant it 'that way'. I meant we used to make fake girl-IDs on YM and take a shot at batchmates!
Imagine 4 guys sitting in a room all hushed up {giggling and crazy} hooking up a frnd next door and next day you have the chat log pasted on the notice board =)) =))

Aahhh good old days *sigh*

Oh and between I still have a collection of YM profile- of girls from my hometown, who suddenly woke up one fine day and found my ID from somewhere and wanted to know more about me/IITs/cracking JEE/ fundaes of life/wateverrrr crap.....
I miss being famous thru' the notice board ;)

Tinku said...

That was hillarious!!:))
These CD's look like they have a pakistani english tutor and the IQ of(like u said the other day) a beauty queen.

But one such CD managed to pull one out on me. I had a girly id pooja or something( just to see how things look from the other side. Sach bol raha hoon)..

pooja - yun iss kadar na humse nazrein milana; bhaiyya more rakhi ke bandhan ko nibhana

CD - bhool jao ki main hoon apka diwana; behanji galatfehmi mein mat aana

ofcourse I revealed my gender to spoil his day and then he was like "Bhaan ke..." :))

Tinku

Shreyansh said...

I come back again.
Try to comment something.
And I read the post again.
And I am laughing again. :))

Anyways, I dont know about IIMs but in my 1st year I had seen some CDs even here at IIT. Though people are mature now, I am sure there must be some CDs lurking somewhere in some dark corners. And then there are some new Nattu's coming every year.Thank god that the number of such students is miniscule.
But u know what, some of my friends are haunted by female CDs too. Real obsessive ones. ;)

Anonymous said...

u write really nice...i guess, u do understand human emotions.....i have a request , write something about loneliess someday

virdi said...

hahahahahahaha... chameli ka teil...

V..

ElNino said...

Thanks Abh. Your post makes me feel about this big. Also thanks for making fun of people. I guess thats an amazing quality you have. Insecurity, desperation....etc these are words found in lexicons for humans...sooo that's really bad to have feels of those aint it? And above all when ppl do, they can always cum to ur blog for much needed encouragemnt, isnt so? I am not ashamed to say I am desperate, insecure...i dnt expect u (or for that matter anyone) to be impressed. All I can expect is to accept people for all they are and people to do the same for me. Ur post didnt increase my desperation/insecurity...it hurt me. From ur previous posts i felt u were golden within...but now?

Anyway, its no good to apologize and not feel sorry. So good luck with the 'hurt as many as u can' campaign. The bloggers world was just waiting for someone like you to spread the ideals!

I visit ur blogs regularly...but i didnt expct what i saw.

Cheers!

Phoenix said...

ROTFL

shit man mar gayi haste haste
amazing hai
but bahut true hai
am tired of scraps and invites, and frnd requests on orkut from arbit ppl, equally on yahoo messenger, with ppl who LOVE me because my profile pic is soooo cute!

and also, ppl who amke fake ids and profiles with gals' names so that girls start talking to them

this world is a haven for despo-dem.
esp Cyber despos.....................

Anonymous said...

arre y r u so concerned with what the world does, how do u know girls don enjoy this.. they can easily tolerate this when they are accustomed to worse behaviour on roads,busus etc. n boys will be boys,, married men don think lowly of them when they ogle at and play around with every other women , n u r talking of bachelors flirting in the most harmless ways..

Anonymous said...

Given the nature of this comment I would rather leave this as anonymous...

Well I have seen you give comments (and we read many common blogs, I know it for a fact from your blog-list) only on blogs written by girls. Also you are the one who is always -let me correct, many times- writing about sentimental stuff like break-ups, love life, how you will care for family, how you will fulfill every demand of your wife, etc. Things for which girls fall, portraying yourself as a guy with a soft touch. And it comes more as pretence than as a natural feeling.

So before you go making fun of others, please go through your own blog and commenting pattern. May be you just don’t beg for it so openly, but on a subconscious level attempting the same.

P.S. If you consider this comment is out of spite for you offended me through this post, you couldn’t be father from truth. For this post will offend those who comment, I do that rarely, because blogging is a personal thing for me rather than another way to woo girls. Anyways, this is not the place to talk about it. I comment only in cases where I see people dishing out judgments when they are not eligible to do so.

Tinku said...

so much of an outburst against a harmless funny post!?!

I think the most this blogger laughs upon is he himself and thats what makes this blog funny and interesting and moreover poking fun upon CDs is not like poking fun on tsunami victims after all.

Tinku

abhash said...

are bhaiya jhagda fasaad band karo.
prem se raho yaar....ab to laloo bhi electionwa haar gawa hai....chill maro yaar:)

abhi said...

@ranjan - thats cool man,he is a real nice guy , champion percussionist here.:)

@disillusioned - being a boy , i can write about it all the more well coz i see it happening all day.and mera kandha , ye raha , mere ears ke directly neeche , but i suggest blowing ur nose in a handkerchief would be a more agreeable idea :)

@ashu - man boys hostel is fun.as long as as no girl is being pulled into this , its fun.one of my frnds sent his pal to lucknow to meet "neetu" , when this frnd was 'neetu' n sitting in the next room.

@tinku - LOL.ha ha , man sabka guru hota hai kahin na kahin :)

@shreyansh - lady CDs.uee ma , yeh to naya concept hai ...ek haseena thee..urmila matondkar types !!

@anon - thanx man.and loneliness , hmm..i guess some day when i will be real tanha tanha , ill do that too.:)

@virdi - ha bhai chameli ka tel..bott faydemand hota hain kabhi kabhi.:)

@elnino - oh oh oh , as if ur thinking i was golden in some part of my body mattered to me.:)man i dint wanna hurt anyone , u guys take a light post too seriously.keep things in perspective.if u cant , i cant help it man...

@phoenix- sacchi yaar , tu apni profile pic mein mayawati ki foto daal de , tab bhee 2-4 ko to 'cute' lag hee jayegi :)

@anon - "arre y r u so concerned with what the world does"

who is concerned mere bhai ? i wrote this fr fun , not coz im some raja rammohan roy wishing to clean up this sansaaar.sala har cheez mein plans doondhte ho yar...

@anon - oho maharaaj , aap to agla post pad hee loge.:)
but tell u what , u said i talked abt neha and my break up coz i wanted to impress people , thats really unthoughtful on ur part man.abuse me , dnt mess with my loved ones.

@tinku - arre mamu , ye duniya saali aisee hee hai , rifle lekar tayyar khadi rehtee hai ladne ko.tu chill maar.:)

@abash - arre sasur eeahi to shikayat hai inko..ki hum PREM karna chaahat hain apne readers mitwa ke saath ...

The Bhandari's said...

here I go with second one..... oh my my.... what a CD.. And I know many nattu's in my knowledge I hope they too read this and sudhar jayein ;)

romram said...

Baap re bahut tempo hai...aur haan time bhi!!!!

Ashish Gupta said...

Oyee mein bore ho raha hoon, koi post likho nayi!

ROTFL =))

Camphor said...

You haven't seen the anon gay comments yet? Quite as bad as crazy despo comments. Good thing people take a while to figure out I'm female.

"Man, I love you. Seriously. Marry me."

Pri said...

Hi....
The nattu story..especially..the lingo u used is really funny,...cheered me..:)

Anonymous said...

kuch log ladkiyon ke liye comments likhte hai, kuch log blogs likhte hai ;)

Anonymous said...

Hey dude ...

AAapun aapna naam chupa ke bol rela hain kyun kee too lazy too blog waala scene hain aaabhi ... and jab blog nahin to naam se kya lena denaa .. par bolne kee baat yeh hain kee ur blog is rapchik mast ... and cyber despo's ka theek hain despo hain pareshaan karte hain par scrap maar kar isi hope mein kee koi kabhi reply karegaa khush rehte hain ... problem to un kambakht real despos se hain dost jo seriously bure kaam karte firte hain ... unke baarein mein bhi 2 shabd kehnaa kabhi :))

just_a_girl said...

hahahaa.. thats the best part of orkut!!! u can read other's scraps!! :):)
and plus u have a big laugh when u get such friends requests!!! LOL!!!

Anonymous said...

Keep up the good work
» »

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Anonymous said...

Hi.. Abhinav... Hehehehe... Very true!!! There are so many such types of guys here... But u know what? Sometimes somethings really hurt :-( :-(
Will tell you.. but lemme finish reading your blogs now.. I have to go till 2013..:)