Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Life Nhaat equal tu moobie

I want to sue every single person who has ever been involved with the movie shooting of homecoming scenes at airports . The charge would be a 'inciting high expectations from family reunion scenes at airports' or something equally sickening . Arre raabert , trusting the cumulative knowledge of all movies I had watched till date , I was convinced my dad would hug me till my ribs turned to dust and mom would come up with a pooja ki thali or something on meeting me at the airport . So I landed at the airport , picked up my bags from the belt , pulled out my phone and called dad , all ready for the tears and hugs to unleash with all its fury.

Dad : Hello ?
Me : Hey ! I have landed ! ( I know that sounded like I am the Eagle , but that's what I said )
Dad : Oh ok .
Me : Where are you ?
Dad : There is a huge traffic jam here . Just sit around the airport and do something . Another half an hour atleast.
I understand this . Traffic jams happen . But then Yash chopra and his ruthless colleagues should be realistic enough to include traffic jams in movies too . In a movie , when shahrukh khan returns home after completing his masters from duke university , there should not be the smiling family with perfectly formed teeth waiting for him as soon as hops down from the plane . Instead , he should hop down from the plane , look around , say a 'kkkkk..kahan hai sab?" to himself , and then receive an sms which goes like "Traffic Jam.Another forty minutes.Wait near the coffee machine at the arrival lounge. And don't drink pepsi." That would help keep down real life expectations and make the world and the airports a better place for sons coming home.
But to much relief , my family has accepted the gifts I have got them without resorting to much physical violence . The 'ghar ka chirag' coming home for the first time since starting the first job of his life had to get something for the family unless he wanted to be given up for adoption , so I got a cellphone for dad , a watch for sister and a saree for ma . The last one was particularly tricky . I find saree shopping excrutiangly boring , just marginally better than watching the kabaddi match between indian railways and ONGC employees . (Yeah . Doordarshan still beams such things .Sacchi .) Add this attitude problem of mine to the fact that my solo shopping experience before this saree buying thing amounted to a total of seven minutes , and I had a huge task at hand . Accepting my limitations , I asked a friend at office to help me out with buying a saree for ma . Now this dude has an equally terrible taste in clothes ( Last monday , he came to office wearing a black jeans and yellow shirt . He complained about people on the streets trying to wave him down and shout 'taxi' as he walked to office) . But then when you need a haircut and a scissors isn't available , you gotta compromise with the axe .
So me and this friend walk into the biggest silk saree store in cochin . As soon as we walked into the store , a salesgirl draped in a light creamish saree approached us politely and asked what we wanted . My friend , who had promised to help me out with every saree related problem over the next couple of hours , rose to the occasion gallantly ...
Friend : We are looking for a saree . Silk saree . ( I have always told him to stop watching reruns of those bond movies every weekend )
She led us to a huge counter with all kinds of sarees gleaming behind it in the yellow light of the showroom. She spread out a couple of sarees on the counter , and my friend started fiddling with the border and let out a very learned "Hmmmmm."
By now , a huge clump of inferiority complex had begun to form someplace between my pancreas and diaphragm and I had to display some saree- knowledge urgently . So I looked up at the salesgirl and said
"What other sizes do you have in sarees ?".
It was like those hushing moments during the founders day when you suddenly clap thinking the school principal's speech is over and it's just a pause . My friend looked at the salesgirl with eyes which said "Please forgive him . He is retarded . We are getting him treated in the US soon." She nodded back at the friend with eyes that said "It's all right.We can call him a special child . Take good care of him."
( Since that day , I have asked a lot of innocent passers-by if sarees come in different sizes . Responses have been varied . If I get a majority saying there are varied sizes , my friend , and that salesgirl , both are in for a major emotional assault by me )
Anyway , the only thing I said during my entire time in the showroom after that was "Cash" when the lady at the billing counter asked "Cash or credit card ?". Ma says the saree is great but I think she is just acting out of motherly love and the entire "Atleast he tried" school of thought.
And in a startling display of anti virus updation , my dad wiped out all data from the disk of the computer I had at home . The news of the demise of all my college photographs , market reports , music collections and certain hidden files wasn't even communicated to me on phone when this happened some one and a half months back . I guess my family has a slightly different concept of a 'pleasant surprise'.
Anyway , I will close down now . I have to pack my bags for my trip back to my mallu sasuraal. To chalta hoon bhai . And the next time you expect a waiting family at the airport , just remember , life is not a movie . These movie people sell traffic free dreams . Sue kar dooonga ek ek ko .

69 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am the first
Anshuman

Abhi said...

Mere bhai , iss waqt hum jaise do chaar night animals hee blogs padte hain.kabhi daylight mein first aa kar dikha ;)

Mohit Ahuja said...

hey dude..
nice post !!
really liked d saree part..hilarious.
tho i must say my airport xperiences wen i get bak home from pune are closer to the movie ones (no puja ki thaali there, tho ! )
hope its better d next time.
keep writing.
Mohit (mohit_ahuja@yahoo.com)

PS : u can use software like easy recovery to get back your lost data (yes, including those hidden files ;) )

Also i came first this time !

Mohit Ahuja said...

haaw beat by 3 minutes...not fair.

god sent signal to invest in a better coonnection !

Shreyansh said...

Arriving at the airport is so old moviesh.Aajkal to Helicopter ghar pe utarta hai bhai.
This is a technical glitch. Tum case nahi jeet paoge.:P

Anonymous said...

ok now dat the race to write the first comment has been dealt wid lemme get down to the "actual comment"...
I've been reading your blog for the last 5-6 months(n its only only my first comment) n frankly speaking yrs is the best blog i've ever read..yr style is unique n relly funny..hope u keep posting such wonderful blogs
u remember i had scrapped u 2 months bak when i was doin my internship in shree cement n some of yr juniors(management trainees frm joka) were talkin abt u..dats how i got to kno yr real name n found u on orkut :)

i'll be takin CAT this year.. hope u lend me some tips on how to crack it

Anshuman Upadhyaya
anshuiit@gmail.com

The Pirate said...

Hahaha... in those movies thrs a cute kudi too, waiting for his rich dude to land... :D

i'm wid u on suing all those rascals... LOL

Anonymous said...

Ha ha. :-) Nice one. I think Sarees come in two sizes. Older generation used to wear a longer saaree that newer generations find "bahut lambi". :-) Agar na puche to salesgirl samajthi ki tujhe chota wala chahiye.

With saree shopping experience on your CV, I guess you are ready for marriage now. :-)

JK

Ani said...

sabse pehle to :))))))))))))))))))))))))))) !! n happy donald ducking!!!!

uske baad: Thanx for dropping by!!

n finally: http://naughtyspark.blogspot.com/2006/03/grace-of-woman.html

post finally: sumhow dad's always thr half an hr ealry to pick me up (inspite of mom trying really hard to detain him!) and then somehow even though i reach ON time, i die of the guilt!!!!!!!

n of course PS - me switched to blogger beta so can't login from blogger and post a comment on a non beta blog!! raat me 2 baje aise error message bhi milte hai.. not just infernos!! :-D

Anonymous said...

10th.

Ms. V said...

Hehehehehehehe! Seriously, I wonder where all my much needed laughs would come from, without you. Thanks :)

shweta said...

okies ...welll even though i have heard this story twice or thrice from u ...its sill njoyable to read ur narration again ...okies no makhan this time ....nd intwn ,,so sad u gng back .."tussi ja rahe ho"....alll sad sad face ...nd i hope this time when u enter the "mallu land"..u hve ur rosie darling waiting ..wth garland nd niely oiled and plaited hair ;)....chal will catch up wth u smetime later ,...yahan electricity jaane ki sambhavna lag rahi hai ....
shwets

trash_u said...

well...
i can understand hte shopping part..
you were "fortunate" to had a "blessed" frined around you to help you in need.. ;)

i had to spend the whole day moving in the unknown lanes of the city to find a "suitable" gift for "someone" .. i took help of all the souls i had ever talked with, to guide me through that excursion...

and i was thrown out of the shops "n" number of times when my curious mind had asked seemingly innocent queries to the sales gals...
:(((


oooyeee munnu... wht abt tht rishta..!!!!

trash_u said...

well...
i can understand hte shopping part..
you were "fortunate" to had a "blessed" frined around you to help you in need.. ;)

i had to spend the whole day moving in the unknown lanes of the city to find a "suitable" gift for "someone" .. i took help of all the souls i had ever talked with, to guide me through that excursion...

and i was thrown out of the shops "n" number of times when my curious mind had asked seemingly innocent queries to the sales gals...
:(((


oooyeee munnu... wht abt tht rishta..!!!!

trash_u said...

well...
i can understand hte shopping part..
you were "fortunate" to had a "blessed" frined around you to help you in need.. ;)

i had to spend the whole day moving in the unknown lanes of the city to find a "suitable" gift for "someone" .. i took help of all the souls i had ever talked with, to guide me through that excursion...

and i was thrown out of the shops "n" number of times when my curious mind had asked seemingly innocent queries to the sales gals...
:(((


oooyeee munnu... wht abt tht rishta..!!!!

AJITH said...

Going for a saree shopping with a novice friend is actually more beneficial than going with a girl / lady.. That latter session can get too long when the lady and salesgirl will talk lot of saree parameters that a normal man wouldnt be able to fathom.. I've personally had the experience of sitting in a Saree showroom with my mom and aunts for about 3 hours, even after which they weren't able to make a selection clearly :)

arpz said...

"And in a startling display of anti virus updation" hello ! updation isnt a word ... call it updates / update/ updating watever par updation isnt a word dude , ise check maarlo www.m-w.com ...

Di said...

thanx for the warning abt the airport scene...but seriously...u took a guy with u to go sari-shopping???!!!

Anonymous said...

updation IS a word !!

Chaos said...

:))))...Hilarious........i know we guys can be dolts when it comes to sarees.......i remember once my dad got this wonderful idea to take me along to buy maa a saree when he was in pune.......and we went to this expensive store and bought a real expensive one for her.....

Last heard shes stored it for "Bahu"........:((((

Anshul Seth said...

Hey Abhinav,

Nice one as usual.Hilarious in btw.
I liked the saree size comment, the Bond and the Taxi analogy, and the mental retardation act.

N found some English profs on ur blogs 2. BTW APRZ, "Updation" is indeed a word. its a noun.
Now I must say ur vocab requires updation.
Vaise it was unwarranted to comment abt such things on a post.
Blogs are not "Spelling Bees".


Asset
www.anshulseth.com

Abhi said...

@mohit - you are lucky bhai . Even after they met me at the airport , the first thing my mom says - you are still the same . No weight losing and all ?

@shreyansh - nahiii peter ! yeh case mujhe harr haal mein jeetna hain . success at any cossht.

@Anshu - Of course yar . My memory aint that bad . You can mail me any time and we can talk .Though I must say that I got into IIM by placing a couple of green notes between the pages of the verbal section.Dont know if that still works.

@The pirate - Kya pirate bhaiiya , kar diya na mood ka bharta ladki ka naam lekar.Shaadi ke baad meri biwi wait na karegi mera , cute kudi to out of scope hain.

@anon - Uee ma , kya connection nikaal raha hai yaar.Looking at the saree I finally bought , I think I am tailor made for a divorce.

@ani - arre smile de rahee ho ya poori smiles ki baalti de rahee ho.No need of thanks yar , main to raste se ja raha tha to ruk gaya 2 minute aapke blog ki chahya mein.And what a coincidence that you actually wrote about saree sizes.farishte bankar aye ho aap.

@anon - kee farak painda hain michael.

@vids - Offo !! Months since we have known each other and u still cant get over these plastic formalities.Thanks ko rakh pocket mein.cash dena hai to de .

@shwets - tujhe to orkut mein jawab dunga.and tell me , 'light jaane ki sambhaawna' kaise feel hoti hain ? glasses start falling off the shelves ? the arm hair starts to tingle ? I mean , light ya to jaati hai ya nahi jaati..sambhavna kaise feel ho jaati hai jaane ki ? [:p]

@trash - oye blushing karda ditta tussi.yar wo shaadi ka plan abhi mujhe thoda strange laga , so we just decided to back out.na humne unhe dekha , na unhone hume dekha.

@ajith - I agree .When I was seven years old , I went into a saree store with mom . I was 12 when I came out . ( I know , jyada ho gaya ).

@arpz - oye mainu kee pata ? mere sakool mein master jee ne theek se nahi padaya .hamesha ladkiyon ko padate the bass acche se.

@di - yeah I did . No girl wants to go out with me.Not even for shopping .

@anon - You are my angel .

@chaos - haha ! i guess my mom came to terms with it a lil better.No mention of bahu so far .

@anshul - Oye balwant , everyone cool down here yaar . Ek word kee existence ke sawaal ke peeche hum kyun gulf war kare ? Arpz , anshul , my engliss poor since time child hood , no fighting doing ok ? [:)]

aMyth! said...

wow! hilarious, dude..
i liked the "bond, james bond" part a lot...

rachana said...

hi abhinav, this is the "pre-ITC-malluland- munnu" kind of post! enjoyed reading it..Aur han saree alag size me hoti hai! the typical maharashtrian saree is more in length than common sarees..and sir ji! lagata ha ,aap ab barbaadi ki taiyari kar rahe hai!

Fathima said...

Size of the saree! Oh my goodness! U cud have asked for length of the saree at least!

Anonymous said...

26th..
my highest ranking so far..

just_a_girl said...

Ouch!!! Ur comp was formatted.///!!!

Anonymous said...

hey abbhinav

gr8 post as always

ur just bettering yourself with every post

keep up the gr8 work

cheers
ashish

Anonymous said...

hi there,
been a regular of yr blog for quite some time now.... but this is the first time commenting....

gr8 blog as always... really funny!!!! u r getting better... i think the job life is giving u a whole new look to yr comical senses... keep up the gud work of making ppl laugh....

abhinav:-)

arpz said...

@ anshul ... yaar , updation is an indian invention , like "tiffin" etc , it isnt a word in the native context of the word .. some discussion to aid you http://forum.java.sun.com/thread.jspa?threadID=627633&start=30&tstart=0

http://tek-tips.com/viewthread.cfm?qid=1143271&page=4

try to search for updation in the dictinary and tab batao ...

Also wikipedia which had included updation as a legi word , is now deleting that page ...

And rahi baat comment ki , mujhe jo is post main nazar aaye mai comment karon , agar offensive lage to jo post own karta hain , del kar le ...

Somya said...

hmmm.. Well done...may be next time you go for such shopping expedition u can take along some intelligent FAQ to improve ur impression on the sales girls...n homecomings of mine...used to be equally disastrous with my silly brother not turning up once to pick me...had to carry that heavy of mine myself...ooh for days my left shoulder ached afer carrying it.

Utham said...

Another gem of a post

amazing

i have dreamed of these airport emotions. but nothing happened.

when i reach home on my own. i find my brother shaving, mom cooking and ....

Anonymous said...

rocking post dude!!!!
just pure unadulterated fun...

munmun said...

bhai, tu GOD hai yaar!! i have written a blog in ages.. and i envy you yaar... :( thoughts just come and pass by... everything is changing so damn fast... office, 12 hrs job... no internet at home... and 12 hours job... eating out... rushing through traffic.. and 12 hours jobs...!! but your posts literally keep me in good spirits!! keep writing even from mallu land..!

'jo said...

i can really empathize on the "buying saree jhanjhat!"...but then somebody rightly said that it can add credentials to your CV for the prospective "munda"....nahi nahi "changa munda".....now about the airport and the traffic chemistry.....traffic is taken into account my child....but only for last minute girl chasing guy or vice versa....

sushant said...

awesome post dude .... awesome.

mini'mum' said...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sari
:P
ha ha ha...
u r proving to be my son..alright:D
ur mom is as ignorant as u.. i had to search on net..abt sari..after readin ur post!

dharmu said...

munnu-too good!

lotus dew said...

missed it, just missed it...
pehle bataya hota ke sharee shopping ke department me sookha pada hai.
haa saree ke sizes hote hai, its in meters, always buy the longest one kuki they can always be cut beadthwise and shortened.
i missed it when u were in kolkata , kitna kuch seekha diya hota tumhe abhi tak.

Joy said...

that was really a laugh!!! (i'm laughing out loud at 2 in the morning!!)

i dunno know how I bumped into your site, but it was nice reading your post.

you could have at least asked of the length, not the size (I got that lil idea because I'm married to an indian). :-))

Sudipta Chatterjee said...

Abe sarees do come in different sizes:
A. Fully retarded
B. Half retarded
C. Retards but thinks not so
etc.

BTW, a lot of things happen at airports, you know... :) Wondering what the aiport security staff asked you :D

Deranged said...

hehehhe!!! :D
sizes in saree?? hilarious!!!!

~jus deranged~

shri ram charith said...

awesome dude...lol..
-charith

ketki said...

wow! now that's really funny!
true buddy......life's not a movie!

surieal said...

liked yur reply to the comments more than the blog itself ;-)

Strider said...

cool post!!
thank god u didn't take a grl wid u for shopping... same saree select karne ke liye das guna samay lagta ..;-)

Shardul said...

Too good sir.
abolutely fantabulous

Akshay Rajagopalan said...

Hey, first time visitor (kicking myself for that). Amazing blog- your way with words is unbeatable. Hats off!

Nirwa said...

//"What other sizes do you have in sarees ?".

Priceless! HAHA!

Kusum Rohra said...

Ya ya sarees do come in diffrent sizes, they are measured in yards. Now go sue that bloody people in the shop that gave your friend the he-is-special-child look.

Brilliant post.

Bharat Jhurani said...

gr8 goin dude.. nd size of a saree!!! all come in one standard size dude...!!!

A said...

Sarees do come in atleast 2 different sizes - one being the standard size - and another extra-long one which brahmin women use...a gal can tell you that !

So go sue the salesgirl ! :)

secret admirer heh said...

Size and length of a sareee.. ek hi baat hui na? who carres anyways...but yup mom tells me there are different lengthed sareess out there, depends on what "style" you are gonna wear it in; total ethnic styles, like the maratha women wear or the bengali jananis wear are much longer than the gharelu japan made sarees ...

secret admirer heh said...

hey but this post is not abt sarees is it...funny thing noticed: post ke starting mein ghar ka chiragh had just come home, back from his trip, and by the end of the post, he is leaving already?! Kya kar rahe ho bhai? army mein ho kya?

Prerna Gupta said...

i'm prob the only girl here who feels more lost than you do when i walk into a saree store...

just curious, what were those hidden files about, anything you'd care to share? ;)

chiranth said...

Hey, great blog!

Speaking of sarees, when I was still in school, I once asked Mum why she has my school uniform stitched, but never gets a saree stitched for herself. I can still hear the laughter in my ear.

Ritu said...

sizes of Saree!!
GAWD!! ur SO funny!!!

Life Lover said...

Very funny! Loved it :) LOLZ

the vestige said...

saree and sizes... well thts a cracker... but i'll cut you some slack...on a different level its quite a logical question... i mean you got to have different sizes for a malika sherawat and an usa utthup ( funny can't think of another fat woman...amazing how the mind chooses to register wht it likes he he)

neat post...cheers!

Anonymous said...

sue them twice....u know sue sue

Anonymous said...

Its just awesome, Your playing with words skill really make it read numerous time ...

Abt airport ya its hard true i still remember my family came to airport in LOCAL TAXI, and once that taxi stop in petrol pump driver request me to push little taxi as it works like that only ,,, my my experience in airport really opposite to wht one can dream

Suma Udupa said...

Hi,
The blog is too good... It made me laugh loudly in office after long time. :)

Paro said...

"What other sizes do you have in sarees ?".

ROTFL.. I cannot control anymore..nearly fell off the chair :D

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