Sunday, January 07, 2007

Tension de Basanti

I am no social scientist. I am no 'intellectual-awakened-liberated' youth specimen who holds an opinion on everything from the tattoo on Rakhi Sawant's shoulder to Mongolia's nuclear policy.I am not the kind of driven youth who would lie awake at nights , look at the stars and think of ways to double India's GDP.I am a guy with views as superficial as John Abraham's acting skills and my understanding of social trends runs as deep as the neck line of a nun's gown. But lately , I am beginning to notice the subtle extermination of a rather happy social species - The Single male .

When I was a kid , having a girlfriend meant two things about the guy :

1. The guy ranks somewhere between Matt Damon and George Clooney on the looks index.He walks by a women's college and the girls trample the professor in their hurry to run out and catch a glimpse .

2. The guy ranks somewhere between Mukesh Ambani and Richard Branson on the financial standing index. He frequently uses a hundred rupee note to wipe his nose and his bank needed to hire an extra floor to stack his cash deposits.

But now , not having a girlfriend says two things about the guy :

1. He is gay.
2. He is definitely gay.

I mean , I look around and see even convicts serving life sentences in Tihar going around in the jail premises with the female convicts from the ladies ward. Guys who aren't even close to respecting a woman have girlfriends . Even Mika has girlfriends - two of them. To be as short as Ayesha Takia's skirt , I guess most of the Indian guys in the age group of 16-30 have a girlfriend.('Tell-me-why' query - Can someone explain to me why having a girlfriend is termed "going around" ? Does it originate from the hindi films wherein Rishi Kapoor and Neetu Singh spent countless hours running in circles around trees , bushes and water fountains ?).

And this social development confuses me and poses an intriguing question - When everyone around me is "going around" , and I am single , and not gay , why do I feel a girlfriend is a pretty ( or not-so-pretty) friend who eats up personal independence and hikes up phone bills ? To make things more rational , let me imagine I have a girlfriend , whom I shall call Basanti as a mark of respect to the evergreen Hema Ji. Now let me see how 'going around' with Basanti can dent my life.

1. "Kis se baat kar raha tha ?"

Basanti calls me up and finds my number to be busy .And even though the pre recorded Airtel voice says "The number you are trying to call is currently busy . Please try after some time" , Basanti hears " The guy you are trying to call up is highly cheap . He is talking to Shruti right now and is expressing is undying love to her . He may claim he was talking to his mother. Dont trust him . "

Soon after I disconnect the call to ma , Basanti calls me up and before I can say a hello , yells a "Go to Hell ! And take Shruti along with you !" shattering my eardrum. The insecurity of Basanti . Sigh.

2." Wo kutta pack kar deejiye"

So it is second anniversary of the day me and Basanti first had Pav Bhaji together and she expects a gift . It's not just a gift , but a sweet 'nishani' which carries the perfumed memories of that lovely day , she says . So I go over to the Archies gallery and look at stuffed dogs and overweight teddy bears , while in my single days , I would have spent the same time watching 'I see you' at pvr. After a couple of hours , I finally buy a pink and hairy dog which costs me more than the price of an island in the maldives. All the gifts a Basanti demands/requests/expects.Sigh.

3. Sniff . Sniff .

A fine lazy Sunday afternoon . I lie on the couch flipping between espn and hbo. The phone rings .

Me : "hello ?"

Basanti : "Sniff . Sniff."

Me : "Abbe kaun hai ? agle saal bolega kya ?".

Basanti : " Sniff . It's me , Basanti.Sniff.".

Me : " Oh ok . You have a cold ?"

Basanti : "I am....crying..sob.sob."

Me : "Oh . It sounded just like a running nose though.And I saw Bhagam Bhag yesterday.The movie got so boring towards the end , even the chairs wanted to leave the hall."

Basanti : " You will never understand...sniff...sniff..."

The emotional intelligence and "understanding" a Basanti needs from me . Sigh.

4. "Mouth close karke kha !"

Me and Basanti are digging into a pizza at the Pizza Hut . While trying to balance a pizza slice on its journey from the tray to my mouth , a particularly big onion piece slides off its surface and lands on the table with a plop .

Basanti :" Chee.Theek se kha na.Table manners !".


I scoop up the onion piece from the table with my finger , put it in my mouth and say cheerfully :

" Table manners gaye bihar , pizza khane de yaar"

Basanti : " Sheesh. You are disgusting".

While in my single days I could ravage a pizza splashing ketchup all over my shirt and chew as noisily as a tractor engine , now I need to take care I don't embarass the great manners ki dukaan , Basanti . The silly changes a Basanti demands from me . Sigh.

5. Abhi dinner ka jugaad karna hain.

Sorry for the abrupt speed breaker , but chal wapas real world mein aa ja .This has nothing to do with Basanti. Now I gotta go and find dinner . I cooked the maggi I had at the apartment for lunch so I need to buy some food now . So abhi main Aishwarya jee ka "barso re megha megha" over hotein hee iss R world se kat leta hoon.

About Basanti , I have around 236 more points I can write against her . But still , saara zamaana , girlfriends ka deewana , so there must be something good about Basanti. Just that I don't see it.

167 comments:

akshara said...

Thank you for brightening up my Sunday

Abhi said...

@akshara - O jee main kya lakshman sylvania ki tubelight hoon jo aapka sunday brighten kar diya ?:p But chill , I do this because I enjoy it:)

arpana said...

:)

Abhi said...

@arpana - Nice smile.Pepsodent ?

Anonymous said...

hey, nice post as always!
can you check your gmail account which is mentioned in your profile??

i need some advice!! :)

arpana said...

@abhi , nahin bitua , hum to daantun use karat hain , woh milti hain neem ki tahni , usi se guzara kar lete hain :p

shweta said...

cold..........grrrrr.!!!!!!!
arrrghhhh..!!!nd inbtwn ...to hell wth basanti as well..!!!;)me off 2 dinnerz..!!hving conti ...nd u search for ur dinner jack of the jungle ..!!!tc

lotus dew said...

abhi time hai, basanti dhoondh lo,
kahi phir dhanno se hi kaam na chalana pad jaaye ...:))

The Black King said...

Ha ha ha... aur 6:00 p.m. ka jab 9:00 p.m. hota hai tab to bahut compliments milte honge, kyun? :)

BTW, Nayi saal ki shubhkaamnaye, Munnu bhai!

Anonymous said...

How do u manage being so adorable?

sushant said...

hilarious post sir..
am not too sure whether most of 16 to 30 guys have GFs.. not @ my college atleast..everyone seems so eager for a gf .. so much so some noble souls have volunteered for gender transplants to overcome the gender barrier..at the cost of money from selling kidneys of several other volunteers.. i am in dce and i hear the situation is same if not worse @ your old college nsit ..

Anonymous said...

AAh! Are you in IIMC again??

Just for the record, you rock!

PritS said...

dude.. really good one...

Confused & Baffled said...

i agree.

do not forget the constant cries of tum phone nahi karte! when you would do any-bloody-thing else. also, its a stop to wandering eyes, which like to feast on sights here, there and everywhere. the excitement of hoping and wondering if you have a shot with the hot girl on the next table...poof! its all gone.

aMyth said...

aah.. just what was needed to clear my mind on "main aisa kyo hun?"

'jo said...

my o my......bechari basanti.....
all you guys are same....
uska kya...jab basanti ka phone engage ho aur idhar abhi usse call kare.....
aisi situation mein abhi ka sarcastic jawab....jab basanti ki line kafi try karne par mile....

hanji madam....apka ashik number do sau barah!

and girls are a little more emotional than guys...ab yeh fact tum log accept kyun nahi kar lete....jab dekho to iska band bajane lagte ho.....and as if you guys are like doodh ka dhulla..

neways quite a nice...post...bringing out the stark realities...of the going around business....

Me@office said...

ha ha...even minutes after reading the blog, i can't stop laughing at ur portray of "basanti".
This line was great: " Table manners gaye bihar , pizza khane de yaar".
You must have had some sort of interaction with the species of "basanti"....;)

Raam Pyari said...

kripiya mail chek karre:)

ns said...

Bodoland Skentific association has decided to give you Nobble award por FIRST BEST THING of 2007.

Jeethe raho Lal (peela..neela whatever)

Ritu said...

how can someone be SO funny with his words!!!

HILLARIOUS post Abhi! I am laughing zor zor se in my office...people standing up to chk if everything's fine with me...!!!


"my understanding of social trends runs as deep as the neck line of a nun's gown."

hahahahaaaa!!! :)))))))

I hope you getta Basanti so that u can find out her better side! :)

take care...

Anonymous said...

Entertaining..!!

Anonymous said...

Entertaining..!!

Anonymous said...

oops.. sorry.. i thought the first comment was not posted.. ;)

Keep the Blog Running..!!

I m gonna make a movie out'ta it.!!

Do i need to take Copyrights..??

Anonymous said...

I want to stop reading your blogs during office breaks, else people will admit me asylum by seeing me laugh hysterically :)

too good dude

Anonymous said...

Great Post Man...as usual :-)

Bullshee said...

Single men every arise to pass off a standing ovation and while their at it pass gas(with Freedom!!!)

sourabhladha said...

Great post buddy. The routine has become to check your post for the day before opening the mail boxes... I think kuch jyaada ho gaya...

Anonymous said...

hi abhi

awesome as usual

keep up the gr8 work

cheers
ashish

mdev123 said...

Gr8 post Abhi !! New year par kuch dhamal nahi kiya kya?
The best part of this post 'second anniversary of Pav Bhaji together' and the classic review of Bhagam Bhag. Yaar you should start wriing for TOI with your category of rating movies. Mere kafi paise bach jayenge ;-)

Anonymous said...

considering wht u said.........................
i am leaving my basanti
thak u sir for realizing me my mistake .....
no wonder why there is not even 2G in my account?>>>... hhmmmmmm..

nobody said...

/* wo kutta pack kar dijiye */
/* manners ki dukaan */

hahahahahahhahhaahaha u SO have the humor-generating bone within u!!! each post of urs is hilarious!! :)) i totally agree with akshara, you brighten up our day each time we read ur posts :)

and if u do it cuz u like it, then we (readers) are plain lucky to have found your blog!! :)

PS: i hope my comment gets published; blogger actin wierd lately...

ketki said...

thanx bhaiya!
aaj mera physics ka paper tha
reading your blog made my day just a little better after that terrifying paper!
so thanx a ton!

by the way not every girl is like basanti........
I mean i too sometimes make sound more intense than your tractor and my mom goes scolding in the same way as basanti did...

ketki said...

and yes,
happy new year!

smriti said...

aristotle ji aapko ko SHAT SHAT PRANAAM!!!!!!!!

Ye manzilen !! said...

Other than pornographic web site your blog is the only one I visit dear Abhi. I must tell ya those PORNOGRAPHIC web sites do disappoint me sometime, but you never do. You are a cool dude man!

Listen, I am begining to doubt at the intellectual ability of your female calss mates from IIM now. What they were thinking when they let you walk out of IIM and not bothered to go for a kill. Ghar baith ke hansti who sab. Are they Cool-Aid drinking-Ghutka Chweing-Behen ji-turned-MBA types I wonder…

:)
Peace….

Somya said...

Howlarious post as usual...Well lemme tell u something girls r still better when they find their bf's no. engaged...guys are much worse...seedha ultimatum nikalte hai...make a choice who is more important in your life...me or whoever u were speaking to(yaar Mcdi call kiya tha...ab mcveggie aur tumhara kya comaprision...obviously Mcveggie zyada imp hai). Other than that they put hundreds of restrictions on poor girls. They cannot even dare talk to other guys and one statement which is like favourite of every guy is"you don't know guys they all r very bad"....lol.

Anonymous said...

Nice post! infact besides you there is only one blog I love reading that is http://transluscentdestiny.blogspot.com.
Keep blogging

Anonymous said...

hmmm.... a thousand things r running in my head.... feel like saying them all but dont have the patience right now...


but first, r u really happy not having a gf or is this portrayal of basanti just to console urself ??


what i have seen over the years is that this bf/gf thing is all about the looks department. i can look at a girl or guy n tell if they have a bf/gf or not n im always right. They r a different species altogether.


and this typical traits are of typical babes that guys normally choose. Normal girls r normal girls whom guys usually overlook.

Anonymous said...

That was kool... buddy....

Riya said...

Wow, after reading some boring blogs, this one takes off all the tension off my head. Everyone is busy writing about social issues and God knows what...I really liked your Blog and iam gonna keep coming back to check for new postings...way to go man...Cheerz.
Riya
Indiblog

Zee said...

hmmmm.......so do u or do u not have an opinion on rakhi sawant's tattoo???

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Life Lover said...

mazaa aa gaya!!! another one of your mazedaar posts, keep writing!! ciao :)

Ye manzilen !! said...

Guys-
I am sorry if my jivings have hurt your feelings. I was just trying to be funny. Thats all - and mom has internet locks on porn web site so no luck there as well.
Cool?
Can we have some peace now?

Adarsh said...

oye guru...macha diye bilkul...!!!
too muchh!!!!!!!!
Basanti..... seekh le kuchh .... aage se dhyan rakhna...ha ha ha ha

Anonymous said...

Really ossumly kewl!

Prashant said...

Really .....Good One......

Anonymous said...

this is why I love soooooooo much

Srikanth.K.S(ಶ್ರೀಕಾಂತ) said...

beauty.A refreshing writing.

IR said...

dude too good

" Table manners gaye bihar , pizza khane de yaar"

Bullgod said...

I'm in splits.... again
How do u do it?

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preeti said...

too good! couldnt stop laughing..

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Deep Ved said...

That is very nice blog...

Anonymous said...

yet another attempt to find basanti eh ..

Anonymous said...

Nice Post(Now that sounds routine)

Harsha

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Ragamuffin said...

kya likhte ho tussi!!!
maza aa gaya...actually i too don't use a gf...
Gr8 post...am still rolling.

Ragamuffin said...

kya likhte ho tussi!!!
maza aa gaya...actually i too don't use a gf...
Gr8 post...am still rolling.

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Loser-in-Love said...

Great stuff man!!
No that was not for the blog that was for the stuffed 'kutta' :P

tumhe jaldi se tumhaari 'basanti' mile ...why should only others suffer ;)

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Basanti said...

How dare you! sabke saamne meri burayi kar rahe ho!! :( jaao , main nahin baat karti tumse , tum apni shruthi ke saath hi khush raho

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Indranil said...

Abhi praaji...ramgarh kab phauche basanti ko patane? Dont tell me it was another of your sales stints...

Ragamuffin said...

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Hum to aapke fan ban gaye hai...

Anonymous said...

another nice one, how do you know so much that happens when you have a "Basanti"? Prior experience?

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5) I can post a comment on a blog if something really excites me.

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why hav i mentioned kbc and srk in a comment post ? damn...that idiot box is certainly ruining my life..

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marlee said...

hey abhi....here after a long time...but its sucha pleasure to come back n read ur blog! ur post considerably brightened my not-so-bright-day. (u see, im at work)
at the end u had to admit that u cant do without Basanti ;-)

anonymous coward said...

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instead of gfs I suggest 'friends with benefits'..

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Anonymous said...

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Ravish said...

Vyakta karna shabdon main mushkil hai...
ki ap kitna aacha accha likhte hai....
girl friend ko ehsaas dile dete hai doosron ki...
ki unhe khush kaise rakhen apne bfs ko....

nice post brother.....thoroughly enjoyed it...

Cheers,

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megha said...

ROTFL...ROTFL..still ROTFL...
cant agree more wid ur views.. my sis was a perfectly normal person until she got a bf...nd nw she hs started being basanti @-)

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kanupriya said...

Aweeeeeessssssssoooommeee.

When akash said u have some fan following i think that was an understatement. and i thought i was a professional writer. Ah! that was overstatement. Way to go..

per jaise har chamakne wali cheez sona nahi hoti waise har girlfrnd basanti nahi hoti..
oops did i sound like a typical basanti-trying-to-defend-her-clan.

I hope.... the hope is hopen...

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Anonymous said...

everything comes up with pro and cons, roses with thorns!!!but why ur blog only with GF's negative point ????

Anonymous said...

everything comes up with pro and cons, roses with thorns!!!but why ur blog only with GF's negative point ????

Manjery(sorry forgot to write my name in the erarlier comment)

Pallavi Khanna said...

Hey I agree with Manjery.....roses come with thorns but we still like 'em..... besides its only basanti who is going to take care of you all your life....!

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basanti in waiting... said...

Oh man!!u are funny!!
I would love to be ur basanti:)
But seriously, you have a great way of entertaining people.
Reading your blog, I get out of the foulest of my moods...

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