Monday, October 19, 2009

Kutto ki Rang Birangee Duniya


Hello Jee , kee haal ? Aap to aajkal ghar aate hee nahi , kabhi bhai sahib ko lekar aiyye na…ab to bacche bhee bade ho gaye honge..bittu kaunsi class mein aa gaya…ok ok sorry , wo Diwali par uncle aunty logo ke beech Hello jee ke baad inti saaree baatein hoti hai ki main emossnal ho gaya tha . So shareef logo jaise , hello jee .

So , October is such a rapchandooos month nahi ? So many holidays , my boss must be singing “wake me up , when October ends..” . I am in another long weekend and while I have been undergoing international level transformations at both professional and personal levels ( Mera kunwarapan apni aakhiri saansein gin raha hai aunty ! ) , I still find enough time to ruminate about deeper issues such as what happens after death , why has my cellphone been smelling like a masala dosa lately , and the spelling of czekoslovacia…czhekoslovakkia…checho..watever !

But my ears perked up when I read about an article which said they are capturing stray dogs in Malaysia and deporting them to an island where the environment is harsher than the inside of Himesh Reshammiya’s bathroom . ( Accha , agar uska bathroom scary nahi lagta to imagine a naked Himesh singing “Aye Huzoooor” in a shower . Ab laga darr ? ) So coming back to the biting topic , I think it is pretty bad that stray dogs are being put through this .

I mean , come on yar , they are itchy , lie around in drains , bark at insane hours setting off the car alarm and do susu on the front tyre of your pink scooty , but phir bhee yaar , stray dogs form a part of our society , just like that tiny beggar kid who sells plastic goggles at a traffic signal or a lazy cow which chooses to dump in the middle of the street a never seen before version of the aloo ke paranthe she ate. I , for one , think it is a kuttapanti to hate stray dogs like this and given a chance , I would bite such people in the leg ( Shit man , I hope I don’t start wagging my behind when I am happy ! ) .

In fact , if I float down in the world of stray dogs , I think there are various kinds of stray dogs . I mean , no offence to any dog , each dog has a personality and a favorite color and a favorite film star of his own ( Which, I feel , is never a Dharmendra ) , but still , in my opinion , there are some variety of stray dogs :


1.The lazy ones – “Sone de na , kutte !”

These are the ones which were born ( By the way , would a dog mind if you call him a SOB ? ) to sleep . Ye paida hote hain and the first thing they do is to crawl under a white maruti swift parked nearby and sleep. I seriously envy these guys man . I mean , these guys can sleep like angels in the drawing room of the Deol household , which as per research carried out by Brainy Kuttas association of the world has been ranked as the most dangerous place for kuttas in the world . Kyun ? Abbe baap kutto ka khoon peeta hai pineapple juice ki maafik , ek puttar ka dhai kilo ka haath hai aur doosre puttar ke to baal dekh kar hee kutte darr jaate hai .

I mean , If there were beds made for dogs , this bunch would be the gold card customers for the doggy carpenters . I can imagine what these guys would yell at a loudly talking human being who disturbs their sleep as they sleep on a pavement – “Sone de na , kutte !” . The only thing which can make them crawl from under that shady charpai is hunger , which brings us to the next market segment of kuttas.

2.The bhookha ones – “Main to haddi ka pujareee..mujhe haddi chahiye”

I mean , a typical specimen of this market segment can be visualized like this – Dirty brown , with a tongue hanging out like an extra large bedsheet hanging out from the side of a bed , and eyes that scream “Khaaana!!!” . These guys are found in trash bins of all the eating places. Nirulas , Mcdonalds , KFCs , TGIFs , they are like print outs of google maps to all the eating joints in the town . You can ask any one of them “Bhai Saab , yahan se McD ke liye kaise jaana hai” and they will tell you all you need to know !

But the kuttapanti of the situation is that while these gentlemen eat all the time , they are also the most skinny . Most of these dogs look like imports from Somalia and weigh almost equal to a polythene bag.


3.The Vaasna ke Pujari Kutte – “Aao rani!”

Think Prem chopra in a silk gown Combined with Ranjeet in a tight baniyan topped off with a little bit of Amrish Puri . Now think all of this in the form of a dog.
They don’t care much about sleep or food or running after every car they see ( Waise dogs don’t chase Tata Nanos . Kutte confuse ho jaate hai ki yeh car hai ya two wheeler ? ). All they care about is the pushpas and Kamlas of their neighbourhood.

They smell them , chase them and create the most disturbing scenes in the middle of public places which are questioned by kids using innocent questions “Bhaiiya , yeh doggies aise ajeeb style mein kyun khel rahe hai?”.

I mean , just these guys are reasons enough for institutionalization of dog police.

4.The cute “Ui ma , look at him” types !

Technically, these guys should be on the back seat of a silver Corolla , in a little green sweaters and sunglasses perched on their pink noses . But galat community mein paida ho Gaye . So even they are cute and little girls want to bring them home and keep them in shoe boxes, they end up scratching themselves in places they should be wearing nylon jockeys. Although they form a very little percentage of the total stray kuttas market , they are like the only dogs who look like they have ever used cosmetics in a world which is populated by dogs who look like they have only been to a drain. The Ranbeer Kapoors and Imran Khans of doggies.

5.The “Gaadi chalaunga!” ones

Sacchi Sacchi batana , how many times have you raced your bike against that dog who chases you everytime you cross that street ? Mujhe to bada maza aata hai. I turn that corner around that pastry shop , and as I shift down to third gear , I see him . Eyes focused , teeth showing , with his body taut and ready to chase me down.

I put the bike back into fourth and create a distance between the bike and him as I pass him . As if jolted by a gunshot , he sprints off like a cheetah and comes after me . He generally gives up by the time I cross the the flower shop further down that street. But then , if this bunch of dogs could talk , I guess most of us would want to ask them “Peecha karta kyun hai be ? Aur agar pakad leta to karta kya ? Bike chalata ?”.

So uncle Charlie , kutte to aur bhee tarah tarah ke hain . Lekin iss Rang Birangi Kutto ki duniya ko aur nahi soonghte abhi . Kuch kaam shaam kar lete hain . Weekend khatm hone ko hai , phir kaam ayo re . Sigh , yeh office kyun jaana padta hai yaar ? Yeh life bhee badi “kutti” cheez hai re pushpaa…take care, and don’t bite anyone !

36 comments:

Sari said...

well well..frs day after a long weekend. sum ppl r bzzy in postin blogs n d rest of them r bzzy readin them. Guess its d hangover :-)

Anonymous said...

woof woof....

Sari said...

bahut badi kuttapanti hai ye..is type walon ko kya kahengey??

B said...

Bwahahahah! :D No words, ROTFLMAO! :D

I am a fan of ur writing... Wacky ideas. Himessss Resssamiya stuff was too much! :) Koi aisa soch bhi kaise sakta hai? :P

Cheers,

Anu

Revs said...

Yayyyyyyyy!! :)
Back with a bang!! :)
Hilarious post!! :D
Mazaaa aa gaya!!

//Abbe baap kutto ka khoon peeta hai pineapple juice ki maafik , ek puttar ka dhai kilo ka haath hai aur doosre puttar ke to baal dekh kar hee kutte darr jaate hai .

LOL!! This is where I lost it, stopped giggling and guffawed like crazy :D
Kya likhte ho yaar!!
mazaa aa gaya :)

Ketan said...

This was most amazing! I totally enjoyed reading! :D

Abhinav said...

Who let the blogs err dogs out!! :P
hehe.. badee hi 4 tango wali post thi!

Welcome back.. Happy Diwali ji!

Amrita~Ams said...

heheh...nice blog..

Anonymous said...

so abhi...dec me hai shaadi??...all the ebst..and nice post..:D

Amrita said...

This one was way too funny :D
And I adore doggies... good to see someone else also noticing them as much.. :)

crazy_diamond said...

duuuuude, this is insane...how can a guy come up with so many wacky ideas in the length of a single post!!!!!

i have been following ur blog for a while now, but never been forced to comment...until now...this post really takes the cake though...the entire damn oven, in fact...

u don't even need the Riddikulus charm...just reading ur blog can contort even Prof. Severus Snape into a Delirious Drape...or an Ecstatic Ape...(pardon the weak attempt at humor but i'm not half as good as u...hehe)...

keep the laugh riot buzzing :)

Neeraj said...

Hi,

Hope you are doing well! This is Anamika Tiwari Chief Editor at Webneetech.com. At present we are interviewing entrepreneurs and now we are starting another section to feature (interview) bloggers and their blog on webneetech.com

Would like to feature your interview on our website.

I was not able to find any contact details of yours so using this comment box. Please let me know your email id or else contact us on i.webneetech@gmail.com, so that we can send you the questionnaire and feature you on webneetech.com Please visit www.webneetech.com to know more about us.

Regards,
Anamika
Webneetech.com

Anonymous said...

Hie..I have been reading ur blogs off and on...I must tell u one thing, u know how to say things so that bored ppl like us feel oh now thats something interesting....I mean whatever nonsense u write bout it is interesting to read..So in case you write a book or something pls let all us poor mortals know of it.

Girish (a.k.a) Gary said...

As a dog lover and someone who is on the good books of most of the street feminine canines and their sons, here are a few more types:

"Coast is clear" types:
These commandos blessed with a sense of timing and precision wait for the lady of the house to clean up the front porch so they can do their duties. Hygiene consciousness high - they give a few hostelers a complex.

Sunny Deol Types:
These stern faced dogs whose posterior movements are extremely reserved reiterate their bravado by growling at old men who can't run and tearing apart slippers and shoes in their meantime. They have the knack of delivering irritatingly long monologues all night long much like the moment breaking 'jhujhujhun' music when u are in theater with ur own reels. Note: these donot chase bikers

"Yeh mera shehar hain" types:
These are the ones with high territorial senses always barking up the wrong trees (one place where it actually makes sense)at cats, lizards and birds. Ironically these are the ones who lose out ot Vaasna ke Pujari Kutte types when it comes to getting the girl!

Hilarious as usual :)

Ishan said...

u r inspirational...i knew it a guy like u cannot retire ...:)

Anonymous said...

Well the metaphors and synonyms are are at its height of creativity ...:-) ...great blogging ...

Neeraj Manglani said...

GOOD SENSE OF HUMOUR AND BEST PART IS HOW U RELATE DIFFRENT TYPES OF DOGS WITH DEOL FAMILY,BIKE CHASING , ROYAL FAMILY MEMBERS ETC.
I HAVE STARTED FOLLOWING UR BLOG.I HAVE ALSO STARTED BLOGGING, IF TIME PERMITS VISIT MY BLOG- dreambig-neeraj.blogspot.com
(Neeraj Manglani ISME Bangalore)

Anonymous said...

One of your all time lows! Read it again in solitude and assess whether u yourself find it funny!

Oxymoron said...

truly brilliant stuff man......refreshingly orignal.....i just stumbled upon your blog today and i must say you are created an awesome blog here.....i have recently started blogging
too n i will be really grateful if you gave it a visit and shared your thoughts....

Anonymous said...

Dude.....you are repetitive now....govinda types cheap comedy attempt

Anonymous said...

I have been following your blog for a pretty long time now. I can clearly feel the difference. Either you are way too occupied for this kinda stuff or may be you have moved on internally but love the 'attention' , so want to continue. Have no right to say so, but my advice would be to take a break if you really don't feel like writing.
But if you feel like writing, don't listen to me or anyone else.

In any case, you are awesome!

D@r$hi said...

i never ever thought ..n read about "DOGS" before ...
:D
fun post :D

Anonymous said...

you can write on any damn topic in this universe, Man! gajab hi ho

Anonymous said...

This Anonymous *completely agrees* with the other Anonymous who wrote:
I have been following your blog for a pretty long time now. I can clearly feel the difference Either you are way too occupied for this kinda stuff or may be you have moved on internally but love the 'attention' , so want to continue. Have no right to say so, but my advice would be to take a break if you really don't feel like writing.
But if you feel like writing, don't listen to me or anyone else.
In any case, you are awesome!


Even I repeat - In any case, you are awesome :)

anshuman said...

hilarious as usual...hope you write one such post every long weekend :)

Neeraj said...

Hi,

Hope you are doing well! This is Anamika Tiwari from Webneetech.com. At present we are interviewing entrepreneurs and now we are starting another section to feature (interview) bloggers and their blog on webneetech.com

We find your blog bit interesting and would like to feature your interview on our website.

I was not able to find any contact details of yours so using this comment box. Please let me know your email id or else contact us on i.webneetech@gmail.com, so that we can send you the questionnaire and feature you on webneetech.com Please visit www.webneetech.com to know more about us.

Regards,
Anamika
Webneetech.com

shastri said...

Just got your site's link from one of your crazy female following :). I think you are the famous Fake IPL player.... kutton ko bhi webspace dila dia tumne ..good :)

Anonymous said...

It seems you r doing PHD on Dogs :-)

Whinophile said...

Woof. :-)

whoelsebutme said...

the dogs lokk starved cos noone feeds them....and its not funny...poor things

Priyanka said...

Very interesting post. Great writing.

Vishal said...

:D
That was hilarious.What an articulate description on the 'World of dogs' using a human perspective!!It's a real treat reading your blog.
-A fan

Dev said...

Bahut hi badia ... Kutte ab apki gaadi ke peeche nahi bhagenge

Mohit said...

Must say very well imagined :)

Sirimalla Sandeep said...

Awesome post. That pics made me laugh
valuemart.co.in

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