Friday, April 14, 2006

Kya gaon mein bijli ayegi ?

I don't know if it has been on discovery channel , but now I know for sure what occurs within eight minutes of a 24 year old boy landing a job - planets , comets , asteroids and a number of defunct satellites arrange themselves in a mysterious pattern in space which leads to a cosmic energy burst infusing thoughts regarding the boy's marriage in the minds of anyone having a mind remotely aware of his existence .

Now I am just 24 , a very innocent 'kacchi kali' level age where I drool all over in my sleep , think pink frocks look cute , drop half my ketchup on my tee shirt and have this tendency to suck my thumb under acute psycological pressure . But strangely , from the day I have been back at home , thoughts of my marriage are being considered as normal as a sardaar in a joke.

Papa has been sneering me with a 'Beta abhi shaadi hogi to pata chalega world war ke time kaisa feel hota tha' followed by the traditional evil laugh .Sister has been raising her left eyebrow disturbingly high with a sly smile everytime I talk of a female friend . And ma asks a "kaun thee ? " whenver my telephonic conversations with any girl exceeds three seconds . In short , while a month ago I was supposed to jump behind the nearest flowerpot at the sight of a girl, clutch the hanuman locket around my neck and remind myself that I need to study and get a job , these days no one is going to subject me to a round of honor killings if I keep walking and say a hello .After all , ab 2-3 saal mein shaadi to karega hi . Koi khud hee pasand kar le to problem kya hain ?

Now I have never been a guy who does the conventional thing , else I would not have spilled hot coffee over my crotch just to see what happens when I was thirteen ( And never , I mean never ask me what happened .Stirs up too many burning memories). So am not going to marry because every Indian guy is supposed to marry between the age of 24 and 30 .Instead , I need to think and decide if it's a good idea to marry at all.Of course , my parents expect me to marry in the next 2-4 years and show them the thobda of a fat little grandkid in 5-6 years , which , incidentally is a thing completely independent of marrriage in my noble opinion .

I am always imagining things .In class , I used to imagine the professor naked with a string of wriggling lizards around his neck to keep awake . So maybe I should imagine what my life would be like if I marry / I stay a kacchi kali ( or bachelor in more under 18 level terms) .

Scenario 1 :

I marry .

Now , due to an itch behind my left ear and a lack of decent names , let me name my imaginary wife , bijli devi . Like any husband in a hurry , I will address her as Bijli , or maybe Bij if I am in a real hurry . But you think of her as Mrs.Bijli Devi , she is not your wife after all .

I know how attractive I am . Like I was telling a friend recently , when I was eleven , my kaamwali left our work when I proposed to her and I am still viewed with suspicion if the present kaamwali threatens to leave work . So mine would not be the case where bijli first spots me as I kick start my yellow scooter in the parking lot of my office and thinks I look very macho when my foot comes down and falls in love with me and thinks about me everytime she hears a scooter's vroom and proposes to me the next time I am kicking my scooter and sparks fly and end up in our marriage . Even If I like someone , I am the sort of guy who feels all right after ten minutes of reading dilbert , a very "Theek hai yar , wo kaunsa mujhe pasand karti " kinda lad . So it is not very probable that I am going to propose to any prospective bijli either . So bijli shall come and electrify my life through an arranged marriage . Hopefully , bijli will like me as any wife likes her husband . She will ignore my emotionally disturbing table manners , an absolute disregard for 'log kya kahenge' and the seven inch scar across my left cheek . I will also try to keep her happy . Kids will happen and unwarned shit and piss will happen . Me and Bijli will fight sometimes , maybe , but I won't hit her , atleast not on the head . She will also hit me , and that's fine unless she uses the flowervase or the chair .But if she hits me on the head , I don't promise I won't hit her on the head . In short , me and bijli and our kids will be a nice little family . A happy family is more important for me than anything else ( except aishwarya's legs maybe ) , so I will try to keep my family cool . Keywords : Bijli . Kids. Kid Shit on sofa . Kid Piss on keyboard . Love . A little fighting . Smiles . Kid's fees . Bijli's beauty parlor expenses . A taj mahal sized RESPONSIBILITY .

Scenario 2 :

No shaadi . No Bijli.

My parents won't be happy . An emotional moment when I declare they are grandparents to a kid I had from some business trip to bangkok won't make them happy either . In short , my parents won't be happy with me if no bijli flows into my life's lamp . They will blame all the spiritual stuff I read and all the bearded guys in saffron alive . As for me , I don't have much idea about what kinda activities , apart from taking my secretary out , I shall be indulging in . Maybe I will retire from work at 35 , sponsor a kid in the meantime , and spend the rest of my life touring exotic places around the world ( Bangkok being one of them . What a machine I am. ) .I really don't know . I read about the meaning of life and think about it and try to read wisdom stuff , but don't know how I can use that by staying out of relations . Keywords : Freedom . Little responsibility . Unhappy parents . Early retirement . Financial ease .Meaning of life . Bangkok. Visits to buddhist monasteries . A little more of Bangkok.

So these are the options before me . I still have time before I come to the stage when I have to make a decision . Of course , life is like my cooking , I can put in a lot of masalas and flour and sugar but can never be sure of what comes out . Maybe I will move onto a higher level of awareness and life without marriage . Maybe I will feel the need for some bijli when I am 40 and get a '40 but in showroom condition' types matrimonial ad printed in the papers .Maybe I will find bliss in unconditional and unpossesive love I will hold for bijli and our little sparky kids . Maybe bijli will be very angry at the way I giggle when her dad pronounces lion as loin and hit me . And if she hits me on the head , I bet Bijli shall be subjected to an electrifying revenge .


pavan kumar said...

I yam first? I yam first? I yam? I? huh?

**huried to hit the submit button before other "me firsts" line-up**

Maverick said...

cool post man

OrganizedChaos said...

damn and i thot i was first.. dont worry thereko bijli aur nuclear reactor meaning the full package mil jayega .. including the simple bindi ... and think about us girls who have been hearing mrg talk since 18 yrs of age...

'Me' said...

Hey abhinav

This is my first comment on ur blog... and am 4th... not bad!! heehee

How do u manage to write this well? Did it come to u by writing this blog over the last 2yrs or is it some inborn talent u have?

Surya Ragunaathan said...

Hey, wats this with parents these days? yahaan bhi aisa hi hota hai,same sawaal hamesha "kaun tha?"

Btw,consider a third scenario which is a combo of the two u mentioned - marry and still remain kachi kali (18 year old bachelor) Nahi samjhe?!

My friend calls it, "18 till I die"....So u marry and remain young at heart and the keywords: Parents khush, bijli, kids, shit on sofa, piss on keyboard, meaning of life,....etc etc and yes, Bangkok as well :-) :-) Nice post!!
(ps: Oye,seriously matt lelena isko, varna Bijli mera khoon kar degi tujhe ye suggest karne ke liye)

Scorpion King said...

Hey Abhi , bijlifying post !!

Marry but not in Hurry.
Take time to visit Bangkok "Shaadi se pehley" and "Shaadi ke baad" ;-)

Scorpion King

dharmu said...

me 7th? uh.....
tried my best to get the first place....
but the time zone affects my efforts, will try next time...

Rakesh said...

hey dood Abhinav ur posts make my day. ur humurous writing always talks abt some serious issues. this was right on the spot. just a thought of spending rest of my life with an unknown person gives me nightmares. but i know some day i'll do n so will u.

Dev said...

Sahi main yaar... tere ko toh kuch inborn talent hi hai... I'm still ROTFL..
Waise maine to decide kiya hi hai... mere gaon mein koi bijli-wijli nahin aayegi..... side mein koi generator ho toh dekhlenge... :S

neenaoffline said...

Hey great post man LOL.My bro introduced me to your blog , gotta thank him for that :).Side note : please add a rss or an atom feed link to your sidebar.Hope you will implement my suggestion as i had to look all around for your
Still haha'ing all over =))

Raam Pyari said...

shaadeee..*deep sigh*
*anuddr deep sigh!*
tera toh fir bhi theek,,,padhai toh khatam ho gayi hai na.....

okok,anywayz....I hope bhabhiji is someone nice n sweet and d two of u have a lovely 60-70 ( or more odd) years together.

last comment ke reply mein u hd ritten tht i do nt post each day..nd u knw wat!!!!
tabse it has so happened tht I have posted EACH dayyyy:D
okok ovr n out.
take care.

p.s.raam pyari is also from jharsa bhillage.

Tarun said...

What happened to the "kuch sharmili se" pink suit mein vision? i thought you were waiting for the right one to come along... not that I can help..

what will i think of marriage at 24.. lord knows... or does he?!

confused soul said...

hmm...more bangkok ..something fishy

Fursat said...

sahi hai buddy...bilkul sahi jaa raha hai..but life after marriage isnt tht bad..chill maar :P thats what u said to me :)

hope jaldi se bijli aayegi tere ghar mein...:D

Anonymous said...

bitwa chinta mat kar panni bijli sab ki problem jal hi solve ho jayegi....

agarbatti singh said...

bhai 2 saal sochne ko mila haina headquarter tak chill mar..phir to BB..oops bijli bhabhiji ka aagman hona hi hai....

kamya arora said...

hi abhinav,
just got my hands onto ur blog a few days back. im in no way connected to you, just a random reader who happened to read ur material. im a delhiite too. n i have to say that ur really funny n tat u remind me of "govinda". i havent read most of ur stuff but am sure its as interesting as ur latest one.

pandora said...

kya life hai teri yaar. sab over naa....mera kya hoga kaaliyaa!!...mujhe toh looooong safar tay karni hai... :(((((

can't believe: ek hi poem. :O:O:O:O.....pichle janam mein hum judwen bhai behen toh nahi the...ya tu kabhi gaya tha kumbh ke mele mein!?! :O:O
par sachhi maine cheating nahi ki haiii.....

pandora said...

Hmm...whether u mean it[poem] or not...hame hamari bhabhi chahiye! pink suit n green bangles?? err ..rite?...bijli devi nahi...tere ko bijli girane waali milegi!I mean it. :D

Shekhar said...

O sirjee, mast post again. As usual, I was laughing loud while reading your post. Even the other folks here at Reliance WebWorld who have their ears blocked with by headphones playing the sounds of machine-gun fire of CS turned around to see who ws laughing so loud !!

Btw, please do consider Surya's idea...married, yet 'kacchi kali' for secretaries who have Ash's legs, ain't too bad a proposition.. :D

sunshine said...

think abt it abhi. think abt the great things you have in you (man, i have to praise u for this, i don't beleive it). think of the good human that u r. think of the way u make life look simple (though i know it hasn't been so simple for you). think of the way you take care of every detail of what people around u like. think of all the good things u r that most people are not. would u like these genes to go waste? what do we leave behind when we die? something indelible, that'll make life worth living for as long as u live, and something to remind people of u when u r no more, isn't it? even if there weren't enough incentives in the concept of marriage, i feel that kids compensate for everything. wudn't you want to do the homework of a chubby chubby tunnu while he is line maroing my sweety (that's my daughter)? wouldn't you want us to become samdhis and samdhans someday? think of all the dahej that u'll fetch. well, should i give u more incentives?

sorry for all the gyaan, but i feel every person should try and find love, get married, and have kids, however improbable or despicable the idea might seem. you've not known it till u have experienced it.

and think of it.... u marry bijli, knock on umesh-michael ji's door in balam tohar vihar, and when he opens the door, u do the balle balle pose and sing out loud...

babuji zara dheere chalo, bijli khadi, bijli khadi.

good food for thought.

Sreekumar said...

bijlee, paani agla post roti pe hoga kya? waise nice post as always aur ab mein tujhse contact karne ko nahi kahunga, dude bade aadmi ho gaye ho :-)

yossarian said...

abhi bhai...think of Scenario 3:

Bijli hits you on the head. You hit bijli back...(like you could :P)

Bijli screams and runs off to her "maika" with the kid and all ur pairs of fresh underwear. Files for Divorce. Hires a lawyer for which you pay. Buys a de-beers for which ITC pays. Alimony. Custody. Battles later, you end up losing the kid, the case and everything u ever owned but winning back ur underwear.

Morale of the story. Don't hit bijli. Make her read one of your posts and see her die laughing.


Bijli said...

Swami, yeh kaise apshabd likhte hain aap mere baare mein!
Bhala mai aapko kaise maar sakti hu!
Woh bhi head pe!

Chhee Chhee

Ankit said...

each and evry post of urs is better than the previous one.

great great going :)

anu said...

gaon mai bijli ayegi..flowervase uthakar sir pe maaregee,den u wil throw a new on on her head den she wil den u wil den she wil ,i mean an infinite loop ok ffir..fir kya forgot programming fundae ,further execution cant proceed without coming out of trap .isliye chupchaap wipe d piss n shit off d sofa , bijli kush ,happy family with bizli paani.

Anonymous said...

re chore, abhi se spirituality book n buddhist monks n consideration of not even marrying..sudhar jaa chore bhari jawaani mia yeh sab shai nahi hia

Sumit said...


hehehe .. my stomach hurts . . u r awesome !!

aur rhi baat bijli ko .. to woh tera yeh blog padhke .. sab samajh jayegi :)

flowers khile hain gulshan gulshan :P

Sumit said...

abhi apni mata ji ko ye article dikhata hun .. aisi bijli dhoond lo mere liye bhi :P !! hehe

to iss 60 day break mein shehnaiyan baja dega .. baraat nikal dega !! sahi hai beedu .. mujhe card bhejna, boss se chutti leke aa jaonga. .
n teri saheliyon mein apni bijli bhi dhoond lunga :P

haha .. BB . .. bijli bhabhiji :D !

YTH said...

"thoughts of my marriage are being considered as normal as a sardaar in a joke" LOL

Bruce Almighty said...

Great post....

Hope u can find true love and a great wife..(both in the same person offcourse)... else the keywords would be
bangkok. bijli. bangkok. bijli.bangkok. bijli. bangkok. bijli.....

Vamsi said...

what did happen after u spilled the coffee??


its me said...

"We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness"
hey this is what you had written in one of your earlier posts..
so wat happened now??
and you knw the cliche -- u r posts are toooooo good

Somya said...

electrifying post...well just a small piece of advice even if u want to hit bijli...please somehow control all ur violent urges for first seven years of marriage...because there is a possibility that she may get really offended and may land u up in jail under some Dowry case...he he he and you may find all MMM women screaming out of ur window...Abhinav hai hai....he he he.After seven years u can pay kushti with each other.

Gaurav said...

ELECTRIFYING...thats best i cud think of.....

Ms. V said...

Scenario 1:

You marry.
Lots of good, yummy food = Less money to spend eating outside.
Lots of *** = Spending the money saved on not eating outside, on c****ms.
Pretty good scenario.

Scenario 2:

You don't marry.
You break your parents' hearts. You break many many girls' hearts. They all curse you.
Pretty bad scenario.

Scenario 3:

One of my friends thinks you are hilarious! And _he_ especially likes Indian guys. Just thought I'll put it out there.
VERY interesting scenario.

Raza said...

dude u are gawd. I havent even read the complete post yet but dont want to see my name far away from the first comment.

chimera_nids2abhi said...

I am so glad i read this post... am so amused by the amazing situations you have thought up !!

Jeez does every person who has a name have to go through the same !!

Take Care !!

Naam accha soocha hai ...'Bijli'...immortalised it !!

ASSET said...

Hi Abhinav,

Nice post n hilarious 2,a bit on the personal front.
But i'll only say, tht u work for a couple of yrs., n then read this post again.

I can tell u tht u'll go for the second scenario, though i hope u don't.
But times surely r changing, n so r relationships n their meanings.


Kapil said...

Dude dun worry...u can alwys find true love in kazakistan ...n they come with a money back gurantee

Dh@v@! said...

Ur post is like a TOI article… Heading mai kuchh aur and andar kuchh aur..
But the inside masala was good… bijli it seems… hahahaah :D
Gr8 going dude…

RefleXtion said...

Ab Milaa Bakraa!!

Dude I have one zillion "prospectives" that I get constantly bugged about by grandpa and grandma, I'll give them your mail address!!! take them all!

Shriedhar said...

Hw abt a combo solution??

u marry but u won't, u'l hv kids but u won't.


live-in rel'n ala SALAAM-NAMASTEY
Adopt a baby- ala SUSMITA SEN

preeti said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
preeti said...

wow!! what an audience, u rock man... the toporder in ur blog's comment section is exactly like our Indian cricket team these days (less runs, not meant to hurt anyone) but still they r happy to be the first, second and so on.. hmm kuchh to baat hai aapke posts mein...

babuji zara dheere chalo, bijli khadi yaha(kaha??) bijli khadi

ya good to weigh both sides but u knw what somewhere in the subconscious mind we desire to have a life partner even though it takes "A taj mahal sized RESPONSIBILITY" ... 5 yrs frm now we r damn sure to come across Mrs Bijli Devi :)

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Niedhie said...

"my kaamwali left our work when I proposed to her".... Gosh! You have done this also :)

Seriouly after a dull and thoughtless examination your post cheered me up. Par yeh kya biru? No shaadi? I read sunshine's comment, I too would like that you think over what she said.

Ashwini said...

Sorry I know one generally addresses a person using his/her first name only after a certain level of interaction, but not referring your name and a simple 'Hi' looked very rude. So here it comes

Hi Abhi,
I gave ag oogle search for 'mora saiyyan' and I happened to chance upon your blog, I must say they are like an ice cream on a hot sunny afternoon ;-) . Gave me a splendid break from work, only problem the break is encroaching on the work time.

Keep writing, gives poor "desperately need a break" souls like me the much needed respite.


Maya Cassis said...

am glad i discovered this blog cos it's like sunshine on a rainy day
will keep coming back for more

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Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday Hitler's Soul..19th April was hiltler's birthday!

Rahul Gupta said...

Hello sir,
I really love ur posts, u definitely have a flair for writing. I'll be joining IIMC this year and its sad that i'll not be able to meet you. And i'm a comp engg too(frm NSIT). So when can we expect a full fledged novel frm you?

Anat said...

scenario 3
u marry, all that oriental treatment in bangkok changes ur mind, and ur spouse is electric deva instead of bijli devi.
keywords: parents shocked, horror, 2 men in house, kaamwali pareshan.

{just pulling the leg of an IIM grad, uff it feels great!!!}

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its me said...

Useful fact#3084.3: did you know that it was Hitler's Happy birthday yesterday, April 20?

Anonymous said...

Came to ur blog after a long time. hey man, y do u hv to make so much fun of urself? I don't like it.

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Anonymous said...

in ur "mujhse shaadi karogi" post u have described in detail wat sort of girl u want and how u want a khush-haal chhotta sa now y r u so anti to marriage??

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Anonymous said...

mere gaoun me to relaince ki tar bhi lag gai hai lekin abhi tak 6 mahine ho gaye hain lekin bijli nahi aai hia dheere -2 ta tut kar girne lage hain jo ki choron ke hath me jate hain. jabki poora gaoun conectin ke liye tyar hai lekin pata nahi ki aakhir relaine ye sab nuksan kaise bardast karti hai. Rajeev Kumar Sengar, Village-Gujratee, Post-Puraila, Distt-Etawah, Pin-206123

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