Bhai bana khooni

I really respect the media people . When I know these guys can to ruin this birth of mine by sending out one bulletin announcing some guy called hitler's soul is allegedly a 'videshi taakat' planning to blow up all the ladies toilets in the capital this independence day , I got to respect them. And lately , I have started to develop a real nice feeling about these guys . I mean , when I get bored of burning my sister's barbie dolls , I just need to flip on some news channel to keep myself busy till the next barbie burning session .

A couple of days ago , a guy called Praveen Mahajan pulled out a pistol and went boom boom boom . When the smoke cleared , we had a Praveen Mahajan thinking 'Shucks , I knew I should not have watched so many violent movies as a kid' , a Pramod Mahajan thinking 'Huh , is this heaven ?' and thousands of journalists , correspondents , TV presenters and newspaper boys around the country thinking ' Wow , now this is some masala for the next ten days '.

Sidenote 1 - For those stuck in some remote tropical forest of Nicargua , with no internet , newspapers , television or even a radio set around , Pramod Mahajan is a big guy in Indian Politics and he was shot at by his younger bro two days ago . On a personal note , he has never interfered in my lazy and dreamy life , and I had almost forgotten of his existence before he was almost wiped out of existence by his brother .

Sidenote 2 - In a dramatic move , Dharmu Jee has graciously accepted to be the first ever President of the yet to be estabished Hitler's soul's blog patrons association . More on that later .

So I was lying on the cool floor of my home and wondering why they put three blades in the ceiling fan over me when my sister came in from the drawing room and announced 'Pramod Mahajan has been shot by his bro' with the solemnity of a pope.

I quickly concluded the presence of three fan blades was a mere coincidence and went over to the TV . There was this young lady , around twenty six , wearing a sharp business suit , light pink lipstick , and the perfect 'Main lut gayi , barbaad ho gayi' expression on her face .

Lady presenter ( excitedly panting ) : 'Abhi abhi praapt soochna ke anusaar pramod mahajan par unke hee chote bhai dwara badi bedardi se teen goliyan chalayin gayi hain . Aaiye taaza samachar ke liye chalte hai hamare samvaaddaata Deepak ke paas , jo ghatnasthal par maujood hain'.

The camera stays on the presenter , instead of moving onto a emotionally shaken Deepak . The lady is visibly uncomfortable because of this . She tries to smile , remembers Pramod has just been shot and quickly recaptures her 'my house is on fire' expression . She focuses on the tip of her nose while secretly hoping that the technical guy will soon come back from the toilet and connect to Deepak , which he does after coming back from the toilet , smoking a ciggarette , and a quick call to his wife .

Deepak is standing with an even more intense 'My house is on fire and even my pants are' expression . A big iron gate can be seen in the background . A few wide eyed people jostle each other in the background and look directly into the camera , trying hard to contain the joy of being on TV.

Voice of lady presenter : Deepak ! Humein batayein wahan kya ho raha hain !

Deepak : Rakhi ! Main iss waqt pramod mahajan ke apartment ke theekh neeche khada hoon . Subah se yahan khade khade taango mein dard ho gaya hain . Teen baar pepsi pee chuka hoon . Andar jaane ki koshish lagaataar chal rahee hain , but baar baar yeh sasura security guard pakad kar danda lagaa deta hain . Main sochta hoon ek baar fir jaakar pepsi pee loon.Rakhi.

Rakhi : Oh . Aur pramod jee ke baare mein kuch ?

Deepak : Umm . Jee . Ahem ...rakhi , Yahan subah kareeban 8 baje goliyan chalayin gayi Pramod jee par . Suna hai kaafi dard hota hai goli lagne par . Goli ki awaaz se yahan ke stray dogs abhi tak dhahshat mein hain .

Rakhi , the lady presenter quicky realises that Deepak is woefully short of anything sensible to say and makes a mental note to send him an abusive sms after the telecast . Meanwhile , Deepak has tried to grab Pramod's neighbours , milkman , plumber , and beautician to express their opinion on the incident , and has successfully grabbed Master Deenanath , who taught Mathematics to Pramod Mahajan in class IV .

Deepak ( Victorious tone , sarcastic smirk directed at Rakhi ) : Aur hamare saath ab hain master deenanaath , jinhone pramod jee ko class fourth mein mathematics padayi thi .

Camera zooms to a frail old man , shaken at being jolted out of his bed abruptly and trying hard to remember who Pramod Mahajan is .

Deepak : Master ji !!! Yeh jo ghatna ghati hai aaj subah , aapko kya kehna hai iss baare mein ?

Master Deenanath : Beta iss umar mein mujh buddhe ko yoon bistar se kheench laana , kaafi sharmnaak aur chintajanak ghatna hai yeh .

Champak : Jee , hume afsos hai masterjee , but leaving that aside , yahan aapka ek poorv chatra , pramod mahajan , zindagi aur maut ke beech jhool raha hain , uske baare mein kya kehna hai aapko ?

Master Deenanath : Beta agar yaad aya ki yeh hain kaun , to zaroor kuch keh sakunga .

And even when Deepak decides to take a break and go to the nearest wine shop , special half n hour bulletins called 'Maut ka taandav' , 'Bhai bana khooni' , 'Khoon ki Holi' and such other names are being beamed across news channels since the day Praveen Mahajan decided to spoil his big bro's breakfast . Now that they have dissected Praveen , his mind , his motives , his childhood bedwetting memories , his dog's eating habits and his driver's family plans , they have been getting all kinds of doctors on television who pull out big human body charts , splotch three big red dots on it and say 'Goliyan yahan , yahan aur yahan lagi hain'. I hear a particularly elaborate telecast about the function of liver in the human body , especially Mr.Mahajan's , is coming up this evening .

Anyway , it's not that I don't want Mr.Mahajan to get well . Like any other human being , he should live a healthy and fine life , and I hope he recovers soon enough . It is just that I am a little amused by the way media is chugging away at this . For all the Mahajan Fan Club activists , I am too relaxed in my life of mindfulness ( Am getting serious about this Vipassana Meditation thing ) , reading ( Am reading 'Many lives , Many masters' , a true story about reincarnation . Fascinating. ) , watching TV ( Am watching particularly educative late night shows ) and avoiding a bath , so don't heat up on me please . And don't talk to the media people about me . Am no videshi taakat . The ladies toilets in Delhi are safe .