Monday, April 24, 2006

Bhai bana khooni

I really respect the media people . When I know these guys can to ruin this birth of mine by sending out one bulletin announcing some guy called hitler's soul is allegedly a 'videshi taakat' planning to blow up all the ladies toilets in the capital this independence day , I got to respect them. And lately , I have started to develop a real nice feeling about these guys . I mean , when I get bored of burning my sister's barbie dolls , I just need to flip on some news channel to keep myself busy till the next barbie burning session .

A couple of days ago , a guy called Praveen Mahajan pulled out a pistol and went boom boom boom . When the smoke cleared , we had a Praveen Mahajan thinking 'Shucks , I knew I should not have watched so many violent movies as a kid' , a Pramod Mahajan thinking 'Huh , is this heaven ?' and thousands of journalists , correspondents , TV presenters and newspaper boys around the country thinking ' Wow , now this is some masala for the next ten days '.

Sidenote 1 - For those stuck in some remote tropical forest of Nicargua , with no internet , newspapers , television or even a radio set around , Pramod Mahajan is a big guy in Indian Politics and he was shot at by his younger bro two days ago . On a personal note , he has never interfered in my lazy and dreamy life , and I had almost forgotten of his existence before he was almost wiped out of existence by his brother .

Sidenote 2 - In a dramatic move , Dharmu Jee has graciously accepted to be the first ever President of the yet to be estabished Hitler's soul's blog patrons association . More on that later .

So I was lying on the cool floor of my home and wondering why they put three blades in the ceiling fan over me when my sister came in from the drawing room and announced 'Pramod Mahajan has been shot by his bro' with the solemnity of a pope.

I quickly concluded the presence of three fan blades was a mere coincidence and went over to the TV . There was this young lady , around twenty six , wearing a sharp business suit , light pink lipstick , and the perfect 'Main lut gayi , barbaad ho gayi' expression on her face .

Lady presenter ( excitedly panting ) : 'Abhi abhi praapt soochna ke anusaar pramod mahajan par unke hee chote bhai dwara badi bedardi se teen goliyan chalayin gayi hain . Aaiye taaza samachar ke liye chalte hai hamare samvaaddaata Deepak ke paas , jo ghatnasthal par maujood hain'.

The camera stays on the presenter , instead of moving onto a emotionally shaken Deepak . The lady is visibly uncomfortable because of this . She tries to smile , remembers Pramod has just been shot and quickly recaptures her 'my house is on fire' expression . She focuses on the tip of her nose while secretly hoping that the technical guy will soon come back from the toilet and connect to Deepak , which he does after coming back from the toilet , smoking a ciggarette , and a quick call to his wife .

Deepak is standing with an even more intense 'My house is on fire and even my pants are' expression . A big iron gate can be seen in the background . A few wide eyed people jostle each other in the background and look directly into the camera , trying hard to contain the joy of being on TV.

Voice of lady presenter : Deepak ! Humein batayein wahan kya ho raha hain !

Deepak : Rakhi ! Main iss waqt pramod mahajan ke apartment ke theekh neeche khada hoon . Subah se yahan khade khade taango mein dard ho gaya hain . Teen baar pepsi pee chuka hoon . Andar jaane ki koshish lagaataar chal rahee hain , but baar baar yeh sasura security guard pakad kar danda lagaa deta hain . Main sochta hoon ek baar fir jaakar pepsi pee loon.Rakhi.

Rakhi : Oh . Aur pramod jee ke baare mein kuch ?

Deepak : Umm . Jee . Ahem ...rakhi , Yahan subah kareeban 8 baje goliyan chalayin gayi Pramod jee par . Suna hai kaafi dard hota hai goli lagne par . Goli ki awaaz se yahan ke stray dogs abhi tak dhahshat mein hain .

Rakhi , the lady presenter quicky realises that Deepak is woefully short of anything sensible to say and makes a mental note to send him an abusive sms after the telecast . Meanwhile , Deepak has tried to grab Pramod's neighbours , milkman , plumber , and beautician to express their opinion on the incident , and has successfully grabbed Master Deenanath , who taught Mathematics to Pramod Mahajan in class IV .

Deepak ( Victorious tone , sarcastic smirk directed at Rakhi ) : Aur hamare saath ab hain master deenanaath , jinhone pramod jee ko class fourth mein mathematics padayi thi .

Camera zooms to a frail old man , shaken at being jolted out of his bed abruptly and trying hard to remember who Pramod Mahajan is .

Deepak : Master ji !!! Yeh jo ghatna ghati hai aaj subah , aapko kya kehna hai iss baare mein ?

Master Deenanath : Beta iss umar mein mujh buddhe ko yoon bistar se kheench laana , kaafi sharmnaak aur chintajanak ghatna hai yeh .

Champak : Jee , hume afsos hai masterjee , but leaving that aside , yahan aapka ek poorv chatra , pramod mahajan , zindagi aur maut ke beech jhool raha hain , uske baare mein kya kehna hai aapko ?

Master Deenanath : Beta agar yaad aya ki yeh hain kaun , to zaroor kuch keh sakunga .

And even when Deepak decides to take a break and go to the nearest wine shop , special half n hour bulletins called 'Maut ka taandav' , 'Bhai bana khooni' , 'Khoon ki Holi' and such other names are being beamed across news channels since the day Praveen Mahajan decided to spoil his big bro's breakfast . Now that they have dissected Praveen , his mind , his motives , his childhood bedwetting memories , his dog's eating habits and his driver's family plans , they have been getting all kinds of doctors on television who pull out big human body charts , splotch three big red dots on it and say 'Goliyan yahan , yahan aur yahan lagi hain'. I hear a particularly elaborate telecast about the function of liver in the human body , especially Mr.Mahajan's , is coming up this evening .

Anyway , it's not that I don't want Mr.Mahajan to get well . Like any other human being , he should live a healthy and fine life , and I hope he recovers soon enough . It is just that I am a little amused by the way media is chugging away at this . For all the Mahajan Fan Club activists , I am too relaxed in my life of mindfulness ( Am getting serious about this Vipassana Meditation thing ) , reading ( Am reading 'Many lives , Many masters' , a true story about reincarnation . Fascinating. ) , watching TV ( Am watching particularly educative late night shows ) and avoiding a bath , so don't heat up on me please . And don't talk to the media people about me . Am no videshi taakat . The ladies toilets in Delhi are safe .

82 comments:

dharmu said...

*clap*clap*clap*

Me came first, finally....
dint read the blog yet.... but wanted to have the ribbon around myself first....

I can belive.....I came first today....

common dharmu..

dharmu said...

*more clap*more clap*

the first official president !!!
THANKS !

well, the post was as helarious as ever, Specially the media coverage.

My boss gave me "i know what u r doing" look when he saw me giggle to glory as i tried hard to sit back on my chair.

I am thinking of fwding him ur blog, so that i can give me "even i know what u r doing " looks....

Sreekumar said...

Yeh fascist takaton ka pehla nishana free and independent media hi hota hai. :-). Now I know that the name is not a coincidence.

Mitthu said...

Wah wah...bahut dino se US me rahte rahte TV ki gossip news bhool hi gayi thi.....aaj bade dino baad Aaj Tak aur Star News ki yaad aa gayi...mazaa aa gaya!

sunshine said...

You are my daily dose of laughter... and yes, you have gained a few more chahnewaale, wud email abt that 2 u personally...

u found the president? and i wasn't even offered something? man, i made u the CBB, and look at u....

satish said...

srsly abhi, u cud do far better than this.

Matters said...

ye kya sudden change
biwi bangla ke baad ab media

Surya Ragunaathan said...

I am not just going to comment saying, "Hilarious!! too good! you made me laugh until my stomach popped out and eyes went watery"....because I really feel this post is BEAUTIFUL!! In the sense that the media IS really projecting the whole Pramod Mahajan case as though its the only news happening in the world....there have been 45 new farmer suicides in Andhra Pradesh yesterday, blasts in Egypt killing many, etc....and I feel these also deserve some space on TV news channels(infact more time and space)...I am not a pro-congress-anti-BJP person (no,no,I am also not a leftist), I certainly want Pramod Mahajan to recoup and be fit and fine, but the media IS INDEED going overboard with the matter.
You have just rightly expressed these thoughts in the most satirical and sarcastic(if I may say so) manner...I wish some AAJ TAK and NDTV guys read this post and get some sense pumped into their heads...Kudos!!
cheers!!
(ps: aakhir mein, hamare media ke wrong harkats ke khilaaf awaaz uthane k liye hume ek 'videshi taakat' ki hi zarurat padhee :-)

Bruce Almighty said...

Fundoo post sirkar, this one really rocked

India tv aur aaj tak walo ko link forward kar deejeeye.

But how did u miss the big-beard-bigger-moustache lawyer of praveen mahajan who around saying his client is mentally ill of which no mahajan in the house is aware of...

Wishing pramod mahajan good health and praveen mahajan a sane mind...

Keep posting,

ASSET said...

Hi Abhinav,

The post is hilarious, as always.
Y don't u work over some script n do a 'Chetan Bhagat'.
Surely, u can consider this as an alternate profession.
I was in splits with the teacher incident.
Way 2 go.

Asset

badgirl said...

oh yaar i was not aware of this news yeah ,i m living in remotest area of india CHENNAI :(
anyway masto post :))))

badgirl said...

hey wt is dis " Hitler's soul's blog patrons association "

can i get membership sir :))

anu said...

isnt d incident itself amazing..a person kills his brot..didnt even realize dat how many times dey played together in childhood ,ate thr food in d same dish, n so on..wotver strong reason d killer might hav but after all it was somone who was beloved of him somtime...nyways goin senti venti even after reading a gr8 humorous post..but really dis media is too much..just crossing thr limits...n same time real funny in telecasting thz news...bhagvaan bhala kare mahajan ji ka or in media valo ka !

just_a_girl said...

yeah.. these media guys tend to act so cheap at times..!! like " chalo ek baar phir se dekhte hai" and repeating about a dozen times every five minutes the lakme fashion week disasters!

Abhishek Upadhyay said...

Main bhi, Main bhi,
Even I want to be member of your club. Please inform me if Presidents post is vacant. If not then post of Senapati or Mahamantri will also do.

Your post is hilarious as ever.

Anonymous said...

The blog is too good, I am expecting my first child next week. With all the backache and feet-ache+expecting terrified mother in law+ financially worried hubby+ nephwe niece etc around me, I find your blogs truely relaxing for my over working and stressed mind. I have started reading them from last week only and became a fan of it.
Keep this amazing work at least its working as a good dose of laughter for people like me. Thanks and keep posting the blogs.

Anonymous said...

The blog is too good, I am expecting my first child next week. With all the backache and feet-ache+expecting terrified mother in law+ financially worried hubby+ nephew, niece etc around me, I find your blogs truely relaxing for my over working and stressed mind. I have started reading them from last week only and became a fan of it.
Keep this amazing work at least its working as a good dose of laughter for people like me. Thanks and keep posting.

Tarun said...

a blog every three days not enough.. write more often :]the media is indeed dotty...

and media going ga ga over PM is nothing ya.. they've managed to shove nepal - a whole country onto the back burner thanks to PM. tho i really wonder if they realize how big a problem that puny state can become...

Jaspreet said...

Hi,I have been following your blog since quite sometime.I can't resist from posting a comment this time...from the crossword female to the blog on your placement to Mrs. Bijli devi to the Mahajans, I really appreciate your style of blogging. Admire your wit,its fun reading your blogs and a really nice break!!!

Akanksha said...

Arrey..tussi dilli to aa gaye par phone number nahi diya??
get calling....NOW!!!

The Bhandari's said...

bilkul sahi kaha, these media ppl really get on nerves with nothing fruitful :) good post
congrats
~preeti

me said...

as usual a gr8 very very phunny post....i just dont underistand how do u manage to write sooo sooo gud. u shud write for sum newspaper so tht u cud get ur social messages across pple making them laugh:)

keep writing!!

Scorpion King said...

Arey Abhi,

"Hitler's soul's blog patrons association " mai kitni reserved seats aur kitni open seats hai ??

I'm ready to be media reporter,
sab kuch report kar sakta haun
1)tumhare plumber ki family planning,
2)Tumhare Kuttey ki girl friends.
3)Tumhare Dudhwaley ki building ke maids se chakkar.

Hmm dont I suit for this job ?
Hmm aur iss post ke liye kuch paisey
chaiye tau wo bhi mai deney ke liye tayar haun , table ke nachie, table ke uppar se..

Scoprion King
P.S :Pramod Mahjan jaldi thik ho jaye aur media waleon ko jaldi akkal
ajaye..

pandora said...

wow! "witty" is the term. kya likha hai.. :O:O

vaise chill maaro...u make the monkey cap for me..get busy. elephant sized head hai.:D

Suds said...

Are Abhi bhai sahi hai.. Mein bhi Aaj tak pe dekh raha tha woh saab. Sahi TP chalta hai news walon ka...

Some Best questions asked to family members was App ko kaisa mehsus ho raha hai? Abe ghar pe kisi ko goli lagi hai toh kaisa mehsus hoga.

hehhe.. Anyway. I hope get gets well soon.

Sirius Black said...

I knw u can fool every1 by makin them believe but i knw ur dis videshi taakat nd u plan to kill as many ppl as possible (by makin them laugh like crazy) nd agar woh ise bach jaate hain, then their frnds or family will throw them in mental ward for laughin like this in front of their PCs dis time of the nite (thts why u post so late ehh) ;)
(ur conspiracy theory will b out soon)

yossarian said...

hmm..sahi kah rahe ho bhai...main bhi in "dilli mein ladki ki khudkhushi karke maut" types news se tang aa gaya hoon... :P
kya karen? kucch RDB type action?..uda den I&B minister ko.. apni toh paathshala masti ki paathshaala..

Anonymous said...

Hilarious! Great post. Keep posting - at least till you join the corporate rat race.

Dev said...

Too good yaar...
Phantastic how u find the humor in the every situation, what jee?

Anonymous said...

*Giggle* *Giggle* *Giggle* :D

-Another person whoz got a lot of time to waste it on your blog ;)

dharmu said...

@Sunshine- sorry about this, but if you like, you can handle the Indian club, ill manage the US club.

and thinking about it, we can start and galaxial club too.

@badgirl - all the membership issues should be directed to me. you can send me the membership amount in $$$ too, interested ?

@abhishek - dint you read that the official president post is mine ?

i could nominate you as the senapathi( cheque to b sent to my swiss a/c)

@scorpion king- ah, u r enrolled as the media reporter. we will have a exclusive coverage of our macha on History channel soon.
(abhinav jaise wadde log sirf is channel be dikthe hain)

@abhinav- macha, writing a book is really a good idea. infact, you can just compile few of you posts.

a name like "12 o'clock something" (owing to the fact that most of ur posts were written at that unearthly hour) would sound great.

wat say ???

d_grail said...

yea just read pramod mahajan s family tree and what praveen had for break fast in TOI today...apt post!

smita said...

yeah sum1's making money out of sum1 else's misery :-)

preeti said...

u make me laugh everytime I read your blogs.. thanks for that..
this reminds me of Page 3 scene where-in reporters and so-called well-wishers are gathered when some grt fella dies..

wish Mahajanji speedy recovery

gundeep singh said...

simply hilarious !!!

pavan kumar said...

dude, careful with your sister's barbie dolls.. warna we might see "ek behan ne apney bhai ko barbie-lok pahunchaya"

Somya said...

Oh I have read Many masters many lives by Dr Brian Weiss and also his next book Only Love is real...wonderful books...really liked them a lot...Please do read the other book as well.

Anonymous said...

that cool dude ....
seems u got lot of fan following ...
yea Indian media covers only violence and all such crapy stuff.

sopeti said...

Non-sense! Those media guys have lost their senses looong back...sensible post on a sensitive issue... depicting your sense of humour... Carry on the good work.

Dreamcatcher said...

Brilliant. :D. which channel was this?

Fathima said...

Instead of Deepak, u have written "Champak :" in one place.

priya said...

namaste jee.....another funny post....good jee...bahut khoob likha aapne...

its me said...

me too. me too. me wants be a part of the association.

candid diary said...

Pl forget burning barbie dolls. Watch more news. We will get our regular dose of medicine called laughter. Great!

anon_iitian said...

bang on target dude
you rock

Xpressions said...

*Applause*

How true....

U should become a coloumnist in some leading daily....

U ROCK :))

AJITH said...

Coming back here after sometime..Great post man.. Seriosly, try launching a magazine.

Anonymous said...

Hey Hitlers soul,

Just to bring it to your notice that it is about time to change the heading for your blog site...

It reads ....
"Ex-Computer Engineer . Now pursuing M.B.A at IIM Calcutta . Laughing at life , living life"

No longer pursuing..man but i can understand the nostalgia.....

In am still doing my BE computers...4 years since my convocation.....:-)

and you rock man...ever thought you can be a serious competition to Rashmi Bansal ...

Hemen.

http://hemenkapadia.somee.com

Virus© said...

educative late night shows....
hmmm, I'm aregular viewer of those. N believe me I'm quite 'educated' now... lol

Cool post, mate...

Shekhar said...

Arre Sir jee, brilliant post. Thankfully (??), I don't have a TV here in Mumbai, so have been blissfully unaware of the world outside Juhu, Vile Parle, Mumbai. I did catch up with some of this media circus at my aunt's place a few days ago.

And yes, I don't know whether I can manage anything else or not, but my immediate boss at CNBC-TV18 is SURELY gonna read this post !! :D

insightfulbystander said...

insightful

insightfulbystander said...

dude ur an amazing writer,,
kinda used to have a blog myself..
kept it for 10 days and then got pissed off coz everyone was reading and no1 was commenting...

sort off inspired by one of your previous posts whcih says u had the same problem ...

also tell me .. how did u get that blog counter and how do you upload photos saved as jpeg or bmp on the comp ...

tc and keep blogging..

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Ashish Gupta said...

guess you are watching too many movies these days ;)

Raam Pyari said...

oyyeeee munnu jeee......
.......
......
.....
....
...
..
.
was thinking of wat to write and absentmindedly i made thiss!!
but mujhe cute types lag raha hai so i wont remove it.tumhare blog ki shobha badha raha hai.

cuz kaabhi bhi kisi ne tumhare blog mein iss tarah ka creative kaam nahi kiya...

arrre!!!! thank you ki koi needs naahi!! chill raho yaar..i am know for doing great things.

ketki said...

hey, even i met promodji's milkman
hes worried "ab dus din dudh band rahega promodji ke ghar pe!
just kidding!!!!!!!!!!!!
anyway u write grrrrrrrrrrr8!
hats off 2 u!!!!!!!!!

Nirwa said...

ROFL

ROFL.. I am blogrolling you!!!

NirWa

Nomad Heart said...

kudos!...hitler's soul!
seems you jus read my mind...!
btw ...one question...

ye champak kaun...hmmm? ;)

Raza said...

Once again , hats off to u abhi.
Expression at its best, thats all I will say this time .
Needless to say , you are truly an inspiration to thousands (may be more)
like us.

ketki said...

Hey, even I met promodjis milkman.He is worried "ab dudh band rahega Pramodji k yahaan dus din"
Just kidding!!!
Anyway you write really grrr8!!!
Hats off to you!!!!

ketki said...

Oh god!!!!! I am sooooo sorrrryy
I commented the same thing twice!!!!!!

Rose said...

Iv been a silent visitor to the Hitler's soul for quite sometime now... Urs is undoubtedly the most popular blog on blogspot... Wonder if u even hv time to read all the comments... ok ok i knw u must hv hit the ceiling with all the praises.. ;)

Luv every posts.. every little figment of imagination and humour that it entails....

Nothing else to say other than..

~laughs~

:)

..Me

Anonymous said...

Surprised to see this artice in Jammag..
good repeat ;)

Anonymous said...

Surprised to see this artice in Jammag..
good repeat ;)

Anonymous said...

u r simply amazing.ur posts r full of wittts and humour.u should be writing a book.wat r u doing in iimc??

aMyth! said...

Media..TV or Newspapers.. are not passionate about the news anymore. They target the audience..and the ad revenue. It's a sad thing.

In the past few weeks, I noticed some really stupid ways of "delivering the news". One day I was shocked to see Times of India carrying the news of Aishwarya Rai injuring her elbow during a shoot..in the FRONTPAGE!!! Another day, Hindu carried the news of a bus accident that killed 30plus, in a small column, though they did think it was necessary to put it on the frontpage..thankfully!

And the TV? "Coming up next, how the bullets pierce a human body and ruptures the intestines.. an animated approach. And more on the action between Pramod and Pravin. After this short break"

Sigh!

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