Wednesday, September 21, 2005

I want a baby !

( translation - If I am not cute , you are Gulshan Grover)

For 95 minutes , a two year old pink bundle with hair as scarce as Bruce Willis' , teeth as few as my granddad's , and a brain as immature as mine ,kept saying the line above ,and me , a 23 year old management student , with all my sinew and rugged looks , kept chuckling like mickey mouse was tickling me on my bottoms.Watching "Baby's Day Out" just brought out the "mamta ka saagar" part of my personality again.
I really love babies.Every Homo sapien does.If you do not love babies , ding dong ! Abhinav Travel Services got a one way ticket to Pluto for you , at very reasonable rates now ! Please contact us , grab the ticket and go off to pluto to never come back , because someone who doesnt love babies doesnt deserve to be on earth.ding dong !.
You need to have a heart made out of melted iron pipes , to not love a little baby.The best thing about little babies is that everything is so little.Little fingers , little lips , little eyes , little toes , little feet , little ears.And they are not really thinking ahead.I really think that babysitters have the most pleasing job , right up there with that of Emraan Hashmi.In both cases , you get paid to play with semi naked and soft people.
My dad must have been born with a camera around his neck and a couple of kodak reels stuffed in his diapers.And the first words he said must have been "Say Cheese!".He just loved clicking pictures of us when me and my sister were babies.Back at home , we have photo albums which would outweight the prime customer of your local weight reduction clinic.So I still get out one of those albums and spend hours poring over those baby photographs and wondering what comet hit this little cute cuddly baby in the picture to grow up into something like me.And once when my family was at the Delhi zoo , this seemingly european couple came upto mom and asked to get a picture of a three year old me with their white kid , who was around the same age at that time.My sister says they did that to get a perfect color contrast in the snap.To highlight the 'kaala , bhookha ,nanga" aspect of India.I still have that photograph in a little album.Have you ever seen a dove and a crow side by side ? If you want to , see that photograph.And you need to be brain damaged to ask which one is the crow out of me and the european kid.
But now that I have grown up , its like a "girly" thing to talk about babies.For the sake of protecting my claims to any kind of masculanity , I generally avoid talk about babies.Because when I dont avoid it , something like this follows :
Me ( excited voice ): Hey I love little babies , they are so cute !
Rahul ( 5'10" , unshaved , deep voice ) - Dude , you need to drink some buckets of testosterone soon.
Aman ( 5 ' 7" , bulging biceps , deepest voice ) - Abhinav , you remind me of my grandmother .
Vikram ( 6' 1" , long hair , deeper voice ) - I think you love wearing pink frocks and read "cyndrilla" and sing "ring-a-ring-a-roses" too ?
Me ( low , subdued voice ) : I ..just like babies yaar..I am normal.
I know you would smirk and think - "He has just wiggled the little noses and tickled the little toes of babies belonging to aunts.Wait till some baby shits on his favorite blue courdroy trousers and pisses on his starched white shirt and wails like a puppy just when he has to watch a soccer game on the television".But with all due respect to babies of the world ,I claim that I can calm down any baby and make it smile before you can spell 'Hi'.And I dont even need cartoon network or stuffed toys for that. Handsome ( with just a little plastic surgery to do ) , educated , baby calming capability , intelligent ( serious allegations against this one )..what more can anyone desire in a man ?
And there are only two things that make me even think of marriage.First ,a rich father-in-law.Second , the thought of watching a little baby grow up.
Last month , I was vehemantly arguing with mom and claiming that marriages got popular because gas chambers went out of fashion.
Me ( to ma ) - Marriage !! A monkey has to come out of my ear before I even think of marriage.
* I walk upto the television , watch "amazing baby videos" on discovery , get all senti senti over little babies and hence marriage and walk back to mom.*
Me ( to ma ) - Ma , have you seen a big brown monkey with a pink face and a fuzzy tail around this place ? Let me know if you spot it.It ran off right after It came out of my ear."


Binu "the mallu" Ninan said...

hmmm now i know why u were askin for the baby's day out cd 2 on the ip for the last n days!
anyways rockin posts obscene...

abhash said...

next time u tell that biceps wala dude ...."abe tu aadmi hai ya mutton ki dukaan"
and watch his face.:-)
Is it possible for anyone to not like kids??? i wonder....

!xobile said...

babies r really cute..
coz they'r so little and so soft and so innocent and dumb and stupid in a very lovable way....

but they can be a headache too...

Miss Sea said...

Mom says she would want to kill me when i was a child because i would drive her nuts with all the not eating, weeping and leaking. And when i would be asleep, she said i looked like an angel :D

Me also has loads of baby pics and some voice recording too. Apparently when i was a child and heard my baby tape, i cried hearing myself cry. I love myself soo much.

No matter how cute the babies look, the idea of pregnancy, post pregnancy, sleepless nights, wailing baby, admission to school, homework, peer problems :all this pain for someone who is going to grow into someone like u or me....doesn't seem worth it ;)

btw, MK's budday today

Harsh said...

Twins stay in my neighbours house who are little over a year.. and whenever they see me theyu have this fascination of beating me up .. WWE tag team style.. and derive utmost pleasure out of it.. so i am subjected to three beatings a week from those two..real monkeys those two, coming to think of it is it ur monkey trainin em hehe.. thankfully not all kids harbour the same intentions against me..

Raam Pyari said...

i'm feeling ultra J of ur wud be kids...... kya tum mujhe adopt karoge?

dotty_pixie said...

im sorry to say i don't like babies that much..sorry!ill take the ticket to pluto now.
but seriously,its nice to see a guy gushin over babies so much..everybdy has their weaknesses and its apparent babies are yours.

Vidhi said...

even the hardest of crimials wud find babies cute! and i cant even start to describe how i feel to be holding a baby!

hey...but i thot discovery stopped airing Amazing Baby Videos! it still does? tell me when? i'll chk out the listings in the mean time!

Anonymous said...

u know wht, u write so well tht everybody ends up appreciating ur ideas and the whole thing looks exaggarated :-)

Cherubin said...

Hey bro...I'm so glad I came to your blog...really needed the laughs...have a pain in the you-know-where quiz tomorrow and was getting irritated over it :)

the_free_soul said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
the_free_soul said...

well imran hanshme's job doesnt include cleaning the shit n pee tht babies do 12 times a day , so u cant compare a babysitters job to his ...and ya babies, even those of animals r cute.

Sayesha said...

Hahaha! I love babies too! And what I find most amazing is that even with their tiny li'l toes and tiny fingers, and tiny head and tiny hands, and the fact that their vocab consists of "goo gaa eeee aaa" they're so "complete". You know what I mean? :)

sunshine said...

Was this a thought post Akanksha? And you never told the baby the other day how much you loved her and found her cute. She even asked for diamonds to Munnu uncle. And now I know what you and Laloo Yadav have in common, a love for babies. BTW, Laloo is the French word for a rest room... La Loo.

Anywayz, ignoring those "never been serious" genes in me, amazing post once again. Your thoughts are refreshing for a change, else most men tell me how babies are a mess and they cry and need to be attended to during unearthly hours.

And I am sure after reading this, someone is definitely smiling out there. You know who am I referring to, don't you?

- said...

There aren't many babies in my family, but my cousin is the most adorable baby I've ever come across. You know that little pink baby smell they've got? The first time her round eyes focused on me and her little fingers reached out. Man, she had me. Ookie, hehe, think I'll stop there..
Kids, on the other hand, are so darn complicated. They only get away with such rubbish because they're so cute.

Anyway, gooood entry! That's what I was trying to say with all this..

abhinav "baby crazy" said...

@binu : ofcourse binu , wat did you think i wanted the cd for ..eating ;)? And man cd 2 got stuck and got me so frustrated.and pssst , no "obscene" here..

@abash : hey bro , if i say this to him , i will have to look at his face through a black and blue eye.yaar wo mutton kee dukan mera mutton bana dega.:)

@ze chapaater : But not much headache for us.when they start to cry , call the mothers.

@TT : I agree.The only time you can even come close to looking like an angel is when you sleep.Jab tu jaagtee hai , tab to apni mean mean baaton se tu ekdum school principal lagtee hai.acha bhai , mazak kar raha hun na.:)

And thanx a lot fr the news abt MK's budday.She was astonished to know that I know.

@harsh : Ok , this is harsh.not this is the aish guy , right ? :)And babies , and twins at that ! thats the ultimate in cute-panti .:)

@ruchi : if u come over and have a look at my room , cupboard , my books , the entire mess i call my room , ull realise i need to be adopted and taken care of .:)So maybe we can get adopted together.

@nivindiya : What are you doing here ? We got a double bedroom fully furnished apartment at pluto sparkling ready for you maam!

@vidhi : the indescribable feeling of holding a baby..its like you are scared that even a touch will hurt it..u just feel so elated at its delicateness.

And discovery par dekha maine , now i went home fr a week so cudnt catch up on its timings , but i watched it in the afternoon.doondhti reh.:)

@anon :really ?thanx.:) so if tomm I post a plan to kidnap aishwarya rai , wud they support that too ? wow...i see my dream gettin real..;)

@angel : hey sister !:).how are you ? been a long time yaar.tu to IITian bankar iss bandar ko bhool hee gayee..

@free-soul - umm..yar a baby thats not exactly cute, eh ? :)

@sayesha : yeah im trying to understand what you mean..;).and its this no-logic , only-heart factor in babies which blows me away.wish babies never grew up.even a baby osama bin laden wud look sweet.

@sunshine - yeah akku did play on my mind a lil.but ur imagination in writing that was so magical.
And man , see , im feeling so romantic , so you better hurry up and do something about the person smiling out there !

@dilakshana - hey , the overseas visitor :).oh when their eyes settle on you ! babies almost make me blush when they do that.And glad that you liked that.not the babies , the post.

ahaan said...

Babies r so cute that probably no one can dislike them.....

"what more can anyone desire in a man"

Seriously dude with ur sense of homour ,intellegence and the ability to handle kids anygirl will fall for u .....

U rock man....
grt post:)

Shrutz said...

Gooo gooo gah eh?
Cute... ;)
Bring on the babies!

Anonymous said...

yeah,sometimes I feel that like the Pide Piper u mesmerize all the visitors to ur blog...most of them agree with u, no matter what u say ;-)

plz see, u keep spelling 'abhash' wrong..seems abhash has no problem but somehow I find it difficult to ignore misspelt words and anyway it doesn't suit u :-)

Sayesha said...

You know what Abhi? This may sound a bit sadistic, but I used to think kitna achha hota agar duniya mein baby bonsais hotey! :O


CHWEEETT !! heehee :D

Nila said...

Shoooo Chweet Munnu! :-)

Ashish said...

hey hii!
haven't been showing up since quite sometime but had been reading ur regularly.... Oh and reading the title unconciouslly made me ask, "from whom munnu bhai?"

lol @myself. nice post.. . reminds me of one of my all time fav. songs:
"bacche mann ke saache, saari jug ki aankh ke taare....." from the movie 'do kaliya'
. .... its my mom's fav. and she taught me to sing the whole song in rhythm :-)

Miss Sea said...

i hope she doesn't curse me for telling u!

Rajesh Rana said...

I love babies, they are like an angel, the best thing that i love in them is their innocence, no tension, thanda dimag, the power of rulai(jo ki sabka heart chir deta hai), everything, even when they do s@%#t and P*%$s upon us.. we just love them... i can't stop my self from loving them...... but jab wahi bacche bade hot hai then everthing get change...but who cares till they are small chunnu munnu payara

abhinav said...

@ahaan - I wish you were a girl !;)

@shrtuz - gee eh ma ma mmm.

@abash - hey bhai , no piper or mice here.i guess i dnt write anything too opinionated , cz i dnt have many no claims , n conflicts.i think im just lucky to have good people as visitors.:)

And tnx ! abhash abhash abhash.And a sorry to abash.;)

@sayesha - rush ! hurry up !find a good doctor , you need one !;)

Arre baba kiddin na, ab sadak pe ladki ke haathon pitna mujhe acha nahee lagega na !:)

@nidhi - hey sis ! sweet who - the babies or me ? ( say me me me !)

@nila - hey wats happening to me ! why ears are going cheeks are going this wat we call "blushing" ?

@ashish - LoL.Arre bhai test tube baby bhee chalega.;)

And I guess most indian kids have grown up with that rhyme .:)

@TT - Abe oye Table tennis ( sorry na ! TT :))! she was overjoyed and I made her day by wishing her , samjhi ? Lagta hai jyada ho gya , ok , now dnt tell her i said this !;)

@rajesh -Bada hokar to baby ki watt lag jaati hai yaar.Osama bin laden bhee kabhi baby tha !

divyasurendiran said...

Hey, you write very well.
Good sense of humour and a good writing style.Way to go !

Angelsera said...

//Ma , have you seen a big brown monkey with a pink face and a fuzzy tail around this place ? Let me know if you spot it.It ran off right after It came out of my ear."

I m sure the look on ur mom's face must ve been priceless!!

virdi said...

:-) kids are good as long as they are less than 8 years... after that they are brats...

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