Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Dawood's mobile number ? Landline ?

"All this hair.They cover your ears.They trap dust and pollens.They hold sweat.They keep the air from getting to the scalp.All this can cause a lot of medical complications leading to anything from amputation of a couple of ears , to your scalp going flourescent yellow and glowing in the dark."

And when all this is said in a cold , technical , documentary-sque voice , and that too by a guy who has punched injections in your bottom when you were a kid and still controls the ATM cards you use merrily to buy anything from chewing gum to rum , you have no choice but to appreciate how important a haircut is.So when dad "asked" me to get a haircut , I got a haircut.The barber was gut wrenchingly intersted in the india-zimbabwe match on the television as he swiped scissors around my head.And the fact that the Indians were batting like a bunch of grandmothers wasnt helping his mood.I was particularly scared when he mouthed " Saalo kee gardan kaat deni chahiye" and picked up the razor to work on me.
It is such close shaves with death which help one appreciate how precious life is.When it ended , I ran back to home and hugged my mom.
The week at home was chatting with ma while I sat on the kitchen floor ,telling dad I do have future plans but I do not know what they are , playing ludo and carrom with sister , hot delhi , airconditioned rooms , ESPN ,bread rolls , and a lot more of normal homely stuff.But if I put in all the experiences of the week at home in a Philips juicer cum mixer and mix them hard for 15 minutes , what will come out is a slip with this written on it - "munnu beta , what are your wedding plans ? ".( Munnu beta , shaaadeee wadeeee ka kya socha hai ?)
To be honest , my only responsibility till now has been to study , wash the car on sundays , and get two polypacks of double toned milk from the mother dairy in the mornings.And since I am at the hostel now ,even the last two have gone missing.But "life mein twist" may just come soon enough.
My MBA ends next march , which effectively is the end of my formal education.And I will start working.I mean , some company will think I am capable enough of doing something for which they are willing to pay me.The thought in itself is dripping with responsibility.But even though I have a washed car and a couple of milk polypacks as my past experience , I think I will manage as long as I try to enjoy my work.So work is not what bugs me.
If responsibility is bollywood , marriage is the Amitabh Bacchan of responsibilities.If responsibilty is spin bowling , marriage is the Shane Warne of responsibilities.If responsilbity is terrorism , marriage is the Osama Bin Laden of responsibilities.
To my underdeveloped brain, marriage is a state of the art , cutting edge , ultimate responsibility.
And even though I am just almost 24, the M word was mouthed around 178 times by my parents during my week at home.As per reliable sources , a couple of aunts have been bringing in some wedding proposals for me.I read in the newspaper about Dawood being a diploma holder in kidnappings.I searched "how to contact Dawood Ibrahim for getting a few aunts kidnapped" on google.Not much information so far.
If and when I do marry , its like a responsibility of keeping someone happy for life.If some girl leaves her home , parents , family , neighbours , pet dogs and boyfriends to marry me and come to my home , it automatically becomes my responsibility to keep her happy.I have seen hindi movies.I have seen that the elders leave the boy and the girl "alone" for some time so that "wo ek doosre ko jaaan le , pehchaaan le , samajh le".I will try my best to warn her about how stupid I can be , and I will tell her about neha too.But asking me to understand a girl in such a short time makes giving a bath to a crocodile look easy , including soaping its back.And like I do not expect to know her completely , she wont know me.
And at a later stage , she may find that I am not serious even at her aunt's condolence meeting , that I like to watch govinda movies , and insist that she watches it too , that I hate attending her dad's brother's daughter's classmate's engagement , , that I look at the ceiling fan when her uncle asks me about my views on the future of Indian Automobile Industry , that I watch Tom and Jerry with my kids when I should be making them study , that I am perfectly incapable of holding any intellectually stimulating discussions with her , and all this may leave her feeling cheated for life.
And even if I ever need someone , I need someone who thinks its perfectly human to make funny faces at the waiter at an upmarket restruant.Someone who appreciates my hooting and whistling at a movie at a multiplex , and may even like to send out a shrill whistle herself.Someone who thinks bliss is a silly little evening with me and a few chirpy kids.Someone who is not irritated if I narrate poor sardaar jokes to her 35 times in a day.Someone who doesnt run away if I want to show her the latest dance moves I picked up from the last hindi flick I watched.Someone who doesnt act like some comet hit our home when our son flunks maths for consecutive years.
In short , I need a girl as stupid and dumb as me , and likes stupid and dumb people.
And considering how incompletely a boy knows a girl when the marriage happens, I do not want to go ahead with a responsibility I am not sure I can fulfill.I do not want some girl to marry me and then discover she needed someome more civilised and refined and serious.I do not want the girl to feel that she is the unluckiest wife on this planet , along with Rabri Devi maybe .If you think Rabri Devi is not so unlucky , try managing something like Bihar all day and going home to nine kids and a hairy eared ,"eager for a tenth" laloo .So I really need google to throw up something useful.And if you do manage to get Dawood's contact number , mail me.You can save a girl's life.

63 comments:

bunnu said...

abe jab tu itni conditions rakh raha hai to uski bhi to conditions accept karne ko ready ho jaa.
tu kya chahta hai be ki wo teri sab baatein maane but tu uski koi bhi naa maane.

chhutki said...

koi frustrated aatma he ab yeh post padhne ke baad tujh se shaadi kar sakti hai..he he

Hope u enjoyed your stay at "gaon"

Anonymous said...

Inspiring Post

Bole to Satellite Number ya IM ID Chalega Kya

T C

HoliDevil

Anonymous said...

lolz...looks like some sort of matrimonial ad inviting proposals from gals :-)

~dreamz

Miss Sea said...

Shaadi.com pe jaa :P All the qualifications sound absolutely awesome. being an mba u will make decent money but since u r basically a home person, u wont be too busy with ur job and ignore ur kids and wife.

but dude.... if ur child fails in maths for consecutive years, a comet attack has happened and unless he is a music genius he better fix the situation.

nidhi said...

baap re.. :P kyaa imagination hai... :D tc .. vaise logo ko rc pe help karna acchi baat hoti hai .. bbye :) tc
nidhi

Harsh said...

hehe 24 and marriage proposals not bad.. think abt me im 21 now ..but got a marriage proposal last year when i was 20 when i went to visit my native place.. hehe..abt the films it is a hobby and they have been screened at a few small film festivals. Might work on one more this October.. but a little doubtful since CAT round the corner...:)
P.S. Mereko lagta hai tere liye Ash hi fit hai..

Pradyot said...

Awesome post dude... if you get the contact do forward it to me. :)

sunshine said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
sunshine said...

You have forgotten something... What if she and her folks and her grandparents and their neighbours and their maids and their door ke rishtedaars.... all of them like to travel in dinky trains? You better put it as a condition that anybody mad enough to marry you should be ready to spend the entire life travelling in planes. And that reminds me, did you run out of fuel regarding the "relgaddi hawai jahaz" issue?

priya said...

hehe...
a girl who's as "dumb n stupid"(quoting u) as u are..
a girl who can tolerate u..
hmmmm..
damn!dude ur in trouble! where will ur parents go for such a girl???!! :D

..p..

the_free_soul said...

dude from ur specifications of the gal ,i think a guy wud be a perfect match for u and much easier to find ...so why dont u just change ur sexual orientation,bcom gay and migrate to US ,where its legal ,,,so tht nobody feels cheated.

Sudipta Chatterjee said...

Mai iss post ka printout leke aapke ghar bhej raha hoon :) BTW, imagine what will you say if during those 5 minutes of "wo ek doosre ko jaaan le , pehchaaan le , samajh le", the girl comes in and asks, "Bachchon ka naam kya socha hai?" :D That surely will be the one, eh?

Sayesha said...

Hahahaha! You're a funny funny man, Munnu. I hope you find a girl who, if nothing, falls for the funny in you! And I hope she's funny too, otherwise it's such a waste of a guy like you! :)

I remember a line from SATC, that went something like "No matter how many girls you go out with, at the end, you wanna be with the girl who can make you laugh."

abhinav "dulhe raja" said...

@bunnu: bhiayyya hum bhee unkee baat manenge na.
she says "i want to cook malaee kofta and shahi paneer today?".
And i'll agree.

@chhutki:hailla ! challenge hai challenge.5 saal baad ayio mere ghar dekhne meri biwi.kasam bhawani kee , aish karegi wo.

@anon : sab chelega mamu.uske padosiyon ka number bhee chalega.they will run down and call dawood frm the next door.

@dreamz :all right , u caught me.abe mummy bolteee hai munnu bada ho gya hain . ab koee shaadi to karo mujhse !

@TT : Oye baccha mera chahe 2 baar fail ho , 3 baar fail ho , ya school se hee suspend ho , munnu laal ka beta aish karega.And shaadi.com pe to 3 saal pehle hee register kara liya tha.teri colony mein koee level kee ladki hai kya ?

@nidhi:main room mein nahee tha.kasam se.

@harsh : aish to fit hai hee.tu ye baat aish ko bata na plzz.

@pradyot : how many aunt orders do you have ? ordering together can make it economical for both of us.

@sunshine : shoeshine jee , plane mein bhee use le jaunga to hostess ko line kaise dunga ?

@priya : zoo maybe ?

@free-soul :yaar do you have any clandestine motive behind getting me gay ? tu hamesha ye idea deta hai mujhe.

@sudipta : uee ma ! yehee to hai wo ! bhai i get this "bindaas" a girl and ill marry her entire family.

@sayesha : nah nah i dnt really want her to make me laugh.but she should not weep looking at me.

Fathima said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Fathima said...

Mein tho us ladki ki chinthaa mein pad gayi hoon.
btw, tere condns ki ladki milna bahuth mushkil he.
SO tell, s to ur parents, so that they can find one suiting u in another 10 yrs:-)
All the best Abhinav. Do send me ur wedding invitation. I will come with my children(in another 10 yrs, I will have them).

Miss Sea said...

This is a proof of how ur posts affect my mental level.

I was on the treadmill last evening and the radio was playing "teri adaoon pe..." from MP. My mind wandered and i remembered "Someone who doesnt run away if I want to show her the latest dance moves I picked up from the last hindi flick I watched." from ur post. and in my mind flashed image of u with long hair dressed up like MP and trying to do the holi dance with wifey dear in the teri adaoon pe attire. both of u dancing while a hapless kid watches the television. I actually burst out laughing inviting weird stares from others in the gym :D

meri colony ke ladkon ka to pata nahin ladkiyon ka kya pata hoga. other sisters requested to come to aid of poor munnu.

the_free_soul said...

dude ..i m not gay.

amit said...

abe tu bhi dumb n teri bibi bhi dumb....tere bachhon ka kya hoga.....

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Raam Pyari said...

its nt like gurls hafta be warned agaist you..lemme give ya sum inside info abt gurls
1. see...a girl will keep asking you if she is fat.
2 if you say no, you'll be asked the same q. like once every ten nano seconds for the rest of ur life.
3. if you say yes ( inorder to for once be honest /to finally put an end to that banal q. being asked again ) all hell shall( to put matters lightly ) break loose.
4. You'll be accused of being not only blind but also an imbecile.
5. tears ( unending ones at that ) will flow and u will be made to feel extremely guilty for having broken that poor l'l angels poor li'l heart
5. Needless to add , no home cooked meals for the next couple of dayz .
And this , my dear friend, is just the tip o a very very big iceberg.

Intelligence Unlimited. said...

Thank you for your invaluable advice. I need to ask you a Q. Did you give those intructions derived straight out of personal experience? Arre sharmaao mat, yahaan sab apne hi log hain. Waise man to karta hai ki %&*&$^%&*&^$%$&^%. Kisi din meri rel gaddi tere hawai jahaaj ke peeche na thok di to dekh lena.... saari hawaa nikaal ke rakh doongi. Waise remember Dhadak Dhadak Abhishek Rani in Bunty Aur Babli? Itni sundar ladkiyaan plane mein kahaan milte hain? Aur haan, ek riddle, bole to chutkula... abhi abhi banaya hai.... What's common to a plane, a chappal and a fart?..... Socho Socho....The HAWA-I factor. What else?

Vidhi said...

marriage is a institution heavily induced with responsibility...and i feel, moreso in the indian society. and i agree with u...u shudnt plunge into something u aren't yet prepared to take the responsibility for. but sooner or later it's going to happen...so start conditioning urself mentally...and i do appreciate ur honesty, regarding u telling her abt neha...

Ms. V said...

I hate the fact that nowadays marriage has become something that is EXPECTED of you. Honestly, someone should WANT to spend the rest of their life with another person. Then only should they marry. Not because mummy, papa, mausi, chaachi, doggie etc wants you to marry. It's good you're clear about how you feel about it. A lot of people don't have any opinion. That's when it's scary. For the person getting married to them!!!

Abhi said...

@fathima : Tujhe card zarorr bhejunga.Who knows , I may get to see your grand kids at my wedding.;)

@TT : TT tu to paagal hotee ja rahee hai ! :o. Waise imaginations achi hai , "tumhaari adaon pe"..hmm...apni biwi pe try kiya jaa sakta hai yeh song.

@free soul : shit.I was falling in love with you.;)

@amit : bacho ko chori karna sikha dunga , pad karr kya ukhad lenge.

@ruchi:saari aisee hotee hai kya ? ek bhee non-pagal naheee hoti ?

@IU:LOLzz.miss.hawa hawai , aapko to jawab de hee chuka hun main.take care:)

@vidhi:i cant start a relation based on dishonesty , hai na ?

@Ms.V : aao zeee , itne dino se kidhar ho shaab jee ?

Anonymous said...

milegi bhai ...milegi ...shayad wo tujhse bhi dumb and stupid ho...kuch logon ka kahna hai ki tune itni condition rakhin hain par meri najar me sab ek hi jagah poit karti hain..do forget to thanks fathi(Maaaaaaaa)

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