Friday, December 30, 2005

Khiladi number (N)one

The campus placement season is coming towards me like a drunk and unbathed Gulshan Grover staggering towards a cowering and trembling girl who took refuge from the rain in one of his luxurious bedrooms. In the movies , the girl generally pulls out a seven inch knife from the apple basket lying on the side table , positions it right over her tummy and yells "Kutte , ek kadam bhee aage badaya to main khud ko khatm karr dungi". But I do not feel any amount of artillery positioned over any part of my anatomy can halt the oncoming placements . So I better gear up unless I want to go jobless and then end up as an anti social element , stealing eggs and bread to feed my kids and wife and girlfriends.


As a part of this "naukri pakdo" preparation , I sat down to work on my resume yesterday. I looked at a blank word document and typed down each and every achievement of mine , including being a class monitor in the fifth standard . But even after that , page space enough to fit in the entire voters list of Gurgaon remained. I felt so small at my extra minimised set of achievemnts and suddenly had a very 'sharminda karne wali' realisation - I do not have even a bacteria -sized achievement to show in the world of sports. Not even a third prize in one of those junior school frog races where they give Pencilboxes and Crayons as prizes .


When I was born , I was a baby with baby fat enough to make butter naans for half the colony. And that is all right , I guess babies are like pay cheques - they look good when they are fat. But hanuman jee kee leela dekho , I was born into a family with a grandmom who fed grains to sparrows in the morning and oily food to her grandson for the rest of the day. So at a tender age , when I had no nails or teeth to scratch and bite in self defence and could just murmer "nana..mamama...umm" ( No I am not hungry ) , she made me eat and eat to make sure I retained a major part of my precious baby fat even when I entered school .


So that made me as much "suitable-for-sports" as Nana Patekar is for the role of Leo Caprio in Titanic. Like any 'deshbhakt' little fat indian kid , cricket was my first love , with Sridevi coming a close second ( yeah , those were the 80s , when sridevi pranced around in frilly tops and danced violently ).

And cricket was fun , as long as I was watching it on TV. When I went out to play , tall and lean boys gave me that "Go play Ludo" look . My cricketing memories are majorly composed of standing near the little green row of plants which served as the boundary of our park-cum-field. Sacchi bolta hoon , batting and bowling ka to naam-o-nishaan nahi . I just had to retrieve the ball when it crossed the boundary . I felt like a golden retreiver without a tail . I was always the curly haired little kid who was pleading- "Ayye bunty , bat de na , mujhe batting karne de na" , "Ayye rahul , ball de na , mujhe spin balling aati hai acchi wali " , "Ayye Vikky , mere andar ke cricketer ka gala matt ghott. mujh par taras khaa zaalim. Mujhe batting open karrne de ".



But no bunty or Rahul or Vikky ever ate any taras on the budding and well hidden cricketer in me . So one day I decided ki bhaiyya , bott ho gaya public mein humiliation , boundary ke side mein fielding karte karte budaapa aa jayega .And I hung my bat and walked away into the sunset , never to return to cricket again .


Since then , I have had myself humiliated , laughed at , beaten and thrown away out of a lot of sporting careers. Kasam Michael Jackson ki , there seems to be something which makes me a loser at every sport I have played . I have run miles zigzagging the field without getting to place the fraction of a foot on the football . On the tennis court , my opponent's serves were always far enough from me , enough to drive a yellow sardarji driven school bus through the space between me and the tennis ball . The only hockey swipe I have taken led to the stick flying off my hands and hitting the instructor in his groin , almost ending his family plans and definitely ending my hockey plans .

Ok , it is six in the morning and I think I will go for a little jog around the campus now. No no no , do not get me wrong , athletics is not my next sporting passion .

Before I go , a very very Happy New year to you buddy .You be the good person you have always wanted to be , and if you see a little fat kid pleading before big and lean guys and saying "Mujhe batting karne do please" , walk over , slap the big kids unke respective kaan ke neeche and hand over the bat to the little fat kid with a smile , and lastly , maintain peace in the new year .

Maybe my son will grow up to be some star soccer player who is signed up by a fancy cclub and makes girls scream at super sonic levels when he steps out of his red sports car , or some champion boxer who chomps on ears and strips topless and beats dark and bald muscular men on TV. But you wont see me on ESPN or any sports channel in this lifetime of mine , unless I am picked up by some channel to dress into a noodle straps blouse and replace Mandira Bedi , which , I somehow feel , is slightly improbable .Have Fun.

60 comments:

Anonymous said...

ha ha ha...u made my day dude...was thinking i shld see tdy news paper..but then a hunch n see i had a wondeful starter for the day..keep up good work...all d best for ur placements...someone wil ( who care's even by mistake if it is...jus kiddin dude)think u deserve a fat cheque..n there r chances of u being seen on ESPN...jus be good to ur son as u wish to be with ur lil chuuby daughter ;-)...happy new yr to u n every one around u."Stay preciuous..."

lotus dew said...

come on....u must have got at least a third prize in one of those junior school frog races .....
oh, but how cd u..u werent a frog!!!...the frogs took away all the prizes i guess...
anyways.....All The Best for ur placements.

Sudipta Chatterjee said...

Arre you'll get a fat paycheck bhai... don't worry. Your jokes (PJs) will speak louder than your achievements. But you awake at six in the morning!! :O IIM Calcutta mein toofan aa gaya kya?

Suds said...

Happy new year 2u2..very good post.. Best of luck for ur job placements..I am sure u will get good job.. ache logon ke sath acha hi hota hai...:) Enjoy

jun said...

happy new year!

smriti said...

jaggu all the best 4 ur placements....hope tum company walo ko yeh nahi bologe ki rook abhi tamatar khareed kar aata hoon :P

rimjhim said...

are munnu bete...u are the smartest kis in the game of blog-writing! and will prove to b a smarter one..when the game of job-interviews will start. GUD LUCK BUDDY.
Happy New year to u 2 :) NJOY

Anonymous said...

hey abhinav dude .. u write damn well man......have been reading ur posts very oft these days........infact visit ur blog as frequently as Rediff..crickinfo nd some of the other sites i am used to visiting.....kudos man nd all the best for ur placements........heres hoping that u crack one of the famed I-bank Interviews nd land ur self a handsome payin job ( fat pay cheque nd stuff that u were talkin abt) ,foreign posting( lets say Las Vegas) nd have some fun with sexy , skimpily-clad secretaries in ur posh Lehman Brothers/Goldman Sachs Office....all the best buddy nd a very happy new year too....am sure with u set to pass out of IIM -Cal ,every year is poised to be very happy for you......btw am posting this comment as Anonymous coz am not a registered blogger .... Btw am Jagan nd work in Chennai for ICICI infotech.....keep the gud work goin...keep postin....Chow

aMyth! said...

God..i've been ROTF for a long time now... ;)

ALl the very best for ur placements dude...and yes, like they all wished, am sure u'll get a fat..(fed on oily diet??) paycheque :)

arpz said...

:-)

aMyth! said...

oh..and dude.... HAPPY NEW YEAR :)

Anonymous said...

real funny dude.ur humor made me addicted to ur blog long ago but on a personal note,since i knw it doesent hurt u, is neha really the name of ur ex? so given ur fan following wud u want some arbit person to come across her and say hey lady u dont knw how much munnu luvs u and imagine her plight(and her bfs too) then. just saying i hv let her go wont do.forget abt her n be ur cheerful self.

pandora said...

wish you all the very best bro. :)I mean looking at the praises you have recieved abhi tak I repeat each of them. Certainly ache logon ke saath good good hi hota hai.
Have a great year! :)


abey tu subah 6 am mein ya raatri ko 2 baje kyun post karta hai re...kabhi toh early bird waali prize mujhe lene de!!

SID said...

U really crack me up man. And hey you could end up on ESPN like Harsha Bhogle. He was also IIM-A if I am correct. Tho gyaan badao Guru you could find urself alongside Sidhu Paaji.

Miss Sea said...

What's a yellow sardarji?

happy new year. hope the new year brings naukri, chokri and most importantly peace :)

arpz said...

ok, so wat do u want me to put? a :D ?

i put dat cos that is and was my reaction , a smile/achuckle/a laugh at the way uve made words tell your story

Jaggu said...

hey dude....can u plzzz in ur "eagerly-awaited" forthcoming posts enlighten us mere-mortal- souls with some 'gyan' on how to bell the 'CAT' nd ofcourse do the 'belling' act better than 99% other 'bellers'......wat was ur strategy for the main course( read CAT) nd ofcourse the desserts that followed suit(GD&PI Crap that is)......bestow us with ur esteemed guidance Guruji......thanks sir

Tinku said...

All the best for the palacements! Hope you kick Gulshan Grover right at the spot you hit that hockey instructor! Aur rahi baat noodle straps ki .. dress up like Mallika 'its my life' Sherawat, fir koi nahin rok payega tujhe Espn ka celebrity anchor ban'ne se! :)

Tinku

Ellipsis said...

Things thought to be more improbable have happened...so who knows? Lookin forward to seeing you on TV ;-)

Happy New Year :-)

Passage2soul said...

hi nice post, very funny, i love reading ur posts, they are like a chacha chowdary comics.

Passage2soul said...

nice post, i love reading ur posts they are like chacha chowdary comics, good job , happy new year.

Passage2soul said...

nice post, i love reading ur posts they are like chacha chowdary comics, good job , happy new year.

Shekhar said...

Dear Khilaadi sahab,

Happy wala New Year to you too. Fikar-not, you certainly will get a decent job. Just make sure you make your story-telling abilities public in the office, and you'll have them rolling all over the floor, hopefully promising you the fat paycheque you always dreamed about.

Enjoy.

Shreyansh said...

Ise kehte hain BHOKAAL.
Subah se hanste hanste pet mein dard ho gaya. 3 baar padh chuka hun.Ik baar aur padh liya to 2006 nahin dekh paunga.
Kyun karte ho aisa tum . Batao mujhe?? ;p

Waise very very happy new year to you and good luck for placements.
Race mein achhi position pana , dhavak.

raven said...

abbe sportsman, raaton raat jughead se wapis abhinav kaise ho gaya? harri puttar ka jaadu?

Supremus said...

LOL!!

This was a good read!

S

Ashish Gupta said...

good luk for ur placements and for ur jogs! I mean keep running good.

Shriedhar said...

Hi abhinav,
funny post...
din u try any indoor games :p

All da best 4 ur placements..
Vsh u
Happy new year..

Abhi said...

@anon-chill man.i had fun typin down my sporting life , n if u had fun readin it , its a bonus cherry fr me.:).a blasting new year to you too !

@LD-haha.yup yup all the green little frogs of the nearby ponds came hoppin fr that race n won all the medals and croaked 'we won' in my face.animal kingdom bhi meri watt lagata hain.:p.u hop into the new year with a smile.

@sudipta-bhai ekdum chowkidaar wali biological clock ho gayi hai meri.i dint sleep at all in the nite.watched 'philadelphia' :p.happy new year.:)

@suds-ache logon ke sath acha hi hota hai.
ye SRK ne bola tha na 'yes boss' mein juhi ji ko:)man , iss logic se to mere jaise evil evil guy ka bhala hone mein agli century aa jayegi.happy new year to you man:)

@jun- hey happy new year buddy.with hindi in this post , it would have been all inorganic chemistry to you , and that makes your commenting on it all the more sweet.a great 2006 to you n your loved ones.

@smriti ( or was it smiriti...nah nah , it was smritti , right ? :p)- arre lallan singh , you think im a six year old to say such a silly thing to my interviewers.pehle se aadhe kilo taaza laal tamatar bowl mein saja karr le jaunga interview room mein.happy new year !!.hope u do well in ur class 9 exams.:P.

@rinku - a very happy new year aapko bhi and aapki family ko ! and smart to main hun , bass yeh baat identify bott kamm logg karr paate hain.

@jagan - whoa whoa whoa ! thats a deluxe quality rosy dream , but shorry matey , I bank is not mah cup of teah ! and man , i replied to your mail , looks like the yahoo gang ate it up.u asked for my yahoo id - abhi844.talk to mah !n a great 2006 awaits you.

@amyth- God..i've been ROTF for a long time now... ;)

get up bunty baba !! you spoiled the carpet , brat !!:p.happy new year.:).roll into 2006 in style.

@arpz - uee ma uee ma ! its the strange mysterious comment leaving lady again ! just a little ':)'.happy new year bolte hain india mein ! so here it is - happy new year to you.:).may you actually pass your exams with flying colors and end teh next year a lot more happier.:)

@anon - hey buddy.yeah i dont really be like 'hush hush dnt mention that' about my thing with her , but it dsnt mean that I would like to interfere with her life again.it would be the most bad thing for me if someone actually says anything to her coz of what I type down here.the fault is all mine.trust me.and i am fine mate ! balle balle.naye saal ko chattan karr de.rock the new year !:)

@pandora ( yup , not panduraam ) -- a great new year to you too , my little chutki sis :).its gonna be a good year for you , when you shall do historically fine in your board exams ( mere mann ki aanhkehin sab future dekh sakti hain :p).aur bete laal , your bhai is like an ULLU not only in his IQ levels , but in his sleeping habits too.i sleep in the day and blog in the night ! kaisa pagal insaaan hain , hai na ? :)

@the big S - uee ma , sidhu paaji ! my deaaaar frrrienddddd ,me on ESPN is like anu malik leading the australian cricket team. great year to you.:)

@TT - idiot , gmat top karr liya , but akal rahegi wahi indian teri :P.sardar ji is not yellow pellow , its the school bus.as for your wishes -

naukri - chahiye !!!!
chokri - nahi chahiye !!!
peace - abbe main kaunsa kargil pe lad raha hun ? :P

A lot of happiness to you too buddy ! a great american univ , a chokra and peace.:)

@arpz - uee ma ! senti na ho classical dancer ! maine aise hee bola tha , tu chahye :) daal , ya :( daal , ya :D daal , ya :P daal , sab manjoor hain .dance into 2006 with a smile.happy new year.:)

@jaggu - oh jee badshaho , maybe u can mail me at abhi844@yahoo.com n we talk about how i made it thru cat.i dnt think many guys here are interested in that so an email wud be more cool , i guess.waiting fr ur mail.:)

@tinku - beta agar mallika jaisa hee banna pada mujje , to ill be seen in hollywood with jackie chan , not on some damn sports channel !:).happy new year tinku bhai.

@ranj - keep watching buddy !coming soooon , on a channel near you !have a great year.:).

@P2S - haha ! chacha choudhary ! mera dimaaag kampoooter se bhee tez chalta hain ! saboo ko abb gussa ata hai to kahin volcano phat taa hain !ah , those were the days.have a dazzling 2006 chacha jee !:)

@shekhu - hey fido , a lovely 2006 to you too bro !rock the marketing subjects .where r u doin ur summers ?

@shreyansh - Bhokaal !!! bada colorful and comic naaam hain re , matlab kya hota hai iska ? sounds nice - main hooon bhokaaaaaaal !! :P.tu bhee masti maar naye saal mein bhai , IITians jaise geeky geeky kid matt banyo , have fun !:)

@raven - jai ho harri puttar ki ! jai ho harri baap ki ! hao ho harri mata ji ki ! jai ho harri ki poori family kee ! a happy new year o long haired lover :)

@supremus - LoL.have a great year buddy :).may u 'lol' a lot in 2006 :)

@ashu - run lola run ! am sprinting right ahead buddy.u have a lovely year , lucky boy !:)

@shreedhar - yup yup , i lost in chess , tt and carrom too.the humiliation is complete now.you be a winner in the new year !:)

Canary said...

wishes for a happy new year..

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smriti said...

waise how was ur interview???

n happy new year abheeenavvvv !!

AJITH said...

Ur style of writing is simply awesome..really liked it.All the best for placements

Camphor said...

Happy New Year.

I'm sure you'll do fine with the placements, and get a nice fat paycheck. :P

I used to be the only girl, so I wan inevitably the umpire, and then no one would accept when I said it was LBW. Eventually, we dropped that way of getting people out :)

!xobile said...

Arre maamu!
Khel pe pichu apna dimaag khoti nai karne kaa... vaisech kam hai na ??

waise mera naam hai ze exaggeratorr
tera naam to kalia ze exaggeratest hona chaheye..

mast likhta hai zero tu!!!

Shekhar said...

Kya 'rock the marketing subjects'?!! Is baar shayad sabse kam marks usi mein aane hain. However, I'm not alone. Another friend got the least marks last term in MIS and Marketing 2 days after he announced these were the subjects he would be doing his major and minor in, respectively.

Summers placements haven't yet happened at Nirma yet. :(

Abhi said...

@canary - same to you buddy.

@car loan homes-u think i need to read stuff about bankruptcy car loans ? man , u r scaring me.someone get me a job before i go bankrupt.

@smreeeeteeeeeeeeeee - bitiya interviews abhi nahi hai , march mein honge .n a happeeee new yeaaaaar :)

@ajith - glad you like it bhai.a great year to you !:)

@camphor - a happy great new year to you n ur loved ones !:)n come on , u shud have fought fr ur rights man ! girls can handle playing cricket , you may be a female sachin in making.what r u waiting for ? grab a bat and run out !:p

@mani - abbe chikne , ekdum electric 2006 wish karta hain mein tereko.aaaj mera mood accha hain , march mein dilli aunga , tab tujhe pizza hut mein bade wala pizza n coke ki party pakka.tab takk tu rookhi sookhi kha ke khush reh.:)

@shekhar - arre darrne ka case nahi hai yaar.history shows that all the great guys have been gettin poor marks , i am another classic example.and good luck fr summers !:)

sunshine said...

What's so great about a dozen men running after and kicking around one single ball or hitting it with a wooden stick? You see, there's always a brighter side to things. Jogging is cool. At least you'll have the practice of running after girls before marriage and running away from them post marriage.

smriti said...

jaisa aap kahe pitaji :P

nav varsh ki aapko bhi hardik shubhkamnaye!!

!xobile said...

WAAAAAAAAH! PIZZA HUT!
AYE MARCH TU KAB AAYEGA RE!!
tujhe bhi mirchi wala 2006 mile re!

Shruthi said...

That was very funny! :))

I think it was the sprinkling of Hindi which made it so masaledaar! :)

Sundari said...

hi Abhinav..

Trotted into ur blog with the link from Youth Curry...a great post .. u tango with your words very nicely ....
All the Best for your placement & Happy New Year !!!

Singaporevoice said...

I will never ever come to that place ... (IIMs) to write blogs at 6 o'clock in the morning...

Man ... u are fantastic ....

Fathima said...

U feature here:
http://in.rediff.com/getahead/2006/jan/12rashmi.htm

ruchika nehru. said...

hi there....i think u are really gud at whatever u r doing..i read the rang de basanti wala part..and man..u know how to bring a smile on the reader's face..i dont know if it is natural or intentional..bur whatever it is...mazza aa gaya..i will remain updated..keep up the wonderful work man..all d best!!!

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Debi Mishra said...

bhai maza agaya bahot dino baad koi mazedar blog padha.

Yun kahen to apun ka dil bagh bagh (garden garden ) ho gaya

Debi Mishra said...

yaar mazza agaya. Bahut dino baat koi mazedar blog mila yaar. yun kahen to dil bagh abgh ho gaya.

Thanks for making me laugh.

Best of luck for ur future

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god level diya hai yaar...have been readin ur blogs recently...but this took the cake...really funny...im not a blogger and thought its some high fundoo stuff wid sexy english n all..but u showed the way yaar...god, cant believe im still laughin...arre bunty bat de na...that was too good man...i think u jus inspired me to write a blog myself..thanks pal..cheers

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