Just a Shade Darker

I have my exams from the 5th of March.That makes it 5 days to go.These exams will bring down the curtains on my first year at IIM Calcutta.I will be then be at delhi for my summers till june.

It was 24th june 2004 when i walked out of the Netaji Subhas Airport terminal at calcutta.I was loaded with one big suitcase , my computer packed in cardboard boxes and 2 travel bags.The outside was buzzing with yellow taxis and agents trying to grab passengers.

I bent down to look at a sweaty , dark driver sitting lazily in the front of a yellow ambassador , and asked "IIM Calcutta ?".

And 2 hours later I eagerly watched the gates emblazoned Indian Institute Of Management Calcutta" ,pass over my head ,to usher in a journey which has been a mixed experience till now...

Now when i used to prepare for CAt , I imagined IIMs to be some magical potion which will turn my life into a never ending golden dream.

Maybe.Maybe not.Engineering days were much more fun.I miss them.Not because they were more relaxed.But the atmosphere was different.There is something about the atmosphere here at IIM Calcutta which is not very right.just sometimes.

There have been free , lovely , moments bathing in sunshine.I have made some pals which are real gems.Truly selfless and friends in the real sense of the term.

Then the seniors have been really helpful.Some have been so truly helpful.I really am thankful to some of them.And i enjoyed so much with the seniors of my hostel wing.We dunked each other (dunking is pouring a bucket of cold water)...we talked about love and relationships lazing in the balcony ...they tried to get me drinking and smoking (i never touched it , ma !!)...they were really amazing and as they are on the verge of leaving IIm Cal, i really thank them for giving me some great moments to remember.

But I think there is one some difference between the ways seniors interact with juniors and the way juniors interacted within themselves.

An average guy here is much more competitive than an average guy at my engineering college or high school.Its good to be working hard.Its good to be dreaming on a high flying job.

But just sometimes , it gets a little too sharp and pungent.

Like people have this internal timer which keeps reminding each one that the other guy is after all a competitor.That he is here to grab the job you want.That if he does well in his exams , your grades are hurt ( we got relative grading here).That if he wins a case contest , he gets closer to grabbing the job u want.

Maybe since life after IIM would be all about being better than the other , in a way , thats what IIMs are supposed to be.

But it gets just a little too suffocating at times.

When at the breakfast table ,you casually ask the next guy "hey man..wat all finance chapters are to be read for the exam " and he mumbles " no idea "..when u can see it in his eyes , that he knows it.
When they see you with a suspicious "so-hez-been-studying" look as you walk out of the library with the books.
When threz a kinda smirk on the other guys lips when i get a below average score in an exam.

I dont say many are like that.There are carefree moments when you just go crazy laughing with the mates.

But just that such fine moments are fewer here than in other institues I have been through.Maybe i am just imagining things.But then thats it..I feel therez something just a shade darker about the atmosphere here..and its not very right sometimes.

On the Jukebox - Unwell :Matchbox 20.

Rat Race ? nah im not GaMe !

As life progresses , im beginning to gain the "ability" to NOT take it too seriously and grimly.

Ive been through IIT-jee ( ok , the rank looked like a telephone number) and ive been through CAT.Ive stayed at hostels and been through whatever they do at boy's hostels.Ive been beaten blue by school bullies and slapped red by frustrated teachers.Ive been termed a decently intelligent scholar by some people (were they drunk ?)and been labelled a total waste of flesh and blood by many (now this is some sensible stuff ).ive been through crashing my bike into a wall.ive cried like a kid watching rajesh khanna die in "anand" and cowered like a old woman watching the "omen".

Im just 23 and have quite some years before i crash into hell (heaven for me ? try telling mr.god).

But even now if i look back at my life ,its just like a story with its share of laughs , tears,triumphs , dissapointments , ridicule , pain and joy.

And as i read all these blogs, i find that mine is just a story amongst millions.I see that even though I tend to look at the world as if i am the central pin of the world with all this stuff happening around me, im not.i am just one of billions of people ,each one living his or her story.

Everybody thinks his/her is "THE" story.but if i step back a little and see at my life from the outside ,like another person would , i find i am just a little peg in this big thing we call the world.and my story would see its last too one day.

So i just want to have a good time.or as jim carrey wud say , a "Gooodd!!" Life.

Life is not an exam to be cracked for me.just live life.just have a good laugh , love and be loved.take it easy.

I don't want my story to look like a research project.I don't want it to have many complications.I dont want it to have too many intense and soul searching moments.Not the story where a villain beats me blue for 90% of my life till at the climax , i rise like a phoenix to be a memorable victor.

I don't need to win the world.I dont want my statues to be erected all over the place with pigeons dropping their digested breakfasts over my stony head.I dont want to be applauded with the world falling at my feet.

I just want my story to look like a little and light romantic comedy.A few tears and more laughs.Hugs and smiles.A little simple sweet story with no villains.Where the president of Microsoft doesnt know me but my neighbour thinks of me as a nice guy.I wud just be content to have a house full of laughs, stumbling kids, satisfied parents and a wife who thinks i am tolerable(am i tolerable , silly ? ;) ).

I wud love just to sit with my family on a chirpy sunday afternoon.having a good time teasing and laughing.eating a yummy (and cheap) lunch and a cool vanilla icecream as the dessert( n i wont share it ,got that ?).

A little house with trees around.with music playing and love and trust in the hearts of my loved ones.....oops , 3..2..1..bam ! back to reality now.

Am i unambitious ? Is there some problem in my head ? Some of you would term me a coward.one who doesn't have the passion and the killer instinct.one who is wasting IIM's resources.Have mercy on me , o great victors !

But then guys , i am sorry.I dont say I won't work hard or that I don't have any goals.For heavens sake , I am really into an IIM , I worked HARD for it and am happy to be here and have more plans in store.You can have doubts on my abilities if you want. Its a source of satisfaction for me and my parents , that I have got into an IIM and stuff like that and I would achieve more things too , I know.

But I won't let myself be sucked into any mean and fast rat race , if that's the concept of life for anybody.I want my life to sound like a little , sweet n love -filled symphony.may not be noticed by the world , but sweet nevertheless.Thats cool.

I wish , I hope

I want to adopt a child someday.When I used to go for morning walks with my mom , i used to casually remark this sometimes.She thought something heavy had fell on my head when i was a baby to get me into this condition.She told my dad and he thought I would be all right after marraige.He told my sister and she bet on the fact that my would-be-wife would ditch me within 50 months of marraige.I hope they were joking.

Not the adoption of the kind where I write out a cheque every month and it goes to get the kid some notebooks and toys and crayons.But the type where that kid grows up in my house and gets my love and affection.

I want to do this.There are so many kids out there who have no one to love them as a parent would.No mother to caress them when they scrape their knees.No dad to ride piggy back on.No one who knows their favorite dishes and cooks them as a surprise.No dad who scolds them when they flunk in maths.No mom to check if they have the quilt drawn upto the ears at 3 in the morning.

I find it a little false to be content with bringing in your own kids to the world and then just restricting the love to them and pretending that all is well.The kids who don't have parents are just as innocent as anybody and deserve the same love and care.

Ive got a childless couple in my neighbourhood at gurgaon.They should be in their 40s.They havent adopted and prefer to keep a German Shepherd instead , who is a rather ferocious one.

The lady once remarked to my mom "dekho ab apna baccha to apna hi hota hai".(After all , nothing like an own kid ).

So its ok to bring in a new kid to life and look after him .and its wrong to love and nurture a kid whoz already out there , feeling lonely and unloved.You want to light up a candle but not to protect one in danger of being blown out.

I dont really give a damn to what people say , especially these pesky relatives.I dont believe that I should respect anybody just because I am related to that anybody.I like more people outside my relations.If a person is good , i like him even though he may not be from the same planet.and i dont like many of my relatives because all they are interested in are things like which car was "gifted" at my cousion sister's marraige or if my cousion brother has got a girlfriend at his college or if my aunt's newly bought diamond set is a genuine or fake.
So I don't care about what they say or think about me.Because at the end of the day , it's myself I have to answer to.

Its ok to plant a fresh sapling and nurture it.But I think I don't want to ignore a sapling which may wither away without love.I don't know if I would be able to do so.Its always easier saying things than doing them.I want to do a lot of things , yet I don't.I wish I do this.

Am i mother Teresa - II ?

ouch ! just look how these quizzila guys interpret a monster like me !


You are a human shadow. If a loved one needs you,
you are always right at his or her heels! Your
deep social connection with human beings
produces your qualities of genuine caring and
charisma. However, at times you are naive to
the true nature of your loved ones. Remember
that humans' gift of free will does not always
lead them in wise directions. But your essence
of love and friendship represent the other
precious gifts of humanity. Overall you are a
strikingly valuable and innocent being who has
a lot to give.(please rate my quiz cuz it took
me for freaking ever to create)



What Kind of Shadow Are You? (with gorgeous pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

baby's day out

It was around 7:30 this evening .I was watching "When Harry met Sally" ( ahh..sissy me )on my computer and munching on Lays Wafers (Spanish Tomato flavor.i love details) when i got a call from X (psst..privacy u see )from the other hostel.

X : " hey game for a movie at INOX ? we r goin to watch BLACK ! ".

Now i generally find it a little distressing to get dressed in presentable clothes , spray on a deoderant which goes my mind go dizzy n then blow bucks for a movie which can turn out to be a disaster made by a loony and bored director.

But just half an hour before X 's call , my parents were raving about the movie on the fone.And It had been recommended by "Her" too.So .

Me : " Hang On lady! Im gettin over there in 10 minutes ! ".

So i did turn up at the hostel's gate in 13 minutes.There were 11 of us.We jammed into a couple of cabs.I was made to sit in the front seat between a friend and a driver with terrorist looks. And it did get quite distressing every time the driver brought in his left hand to change the gears.
The ride was pretty reasonable.Most girls generally tend to laugh at stupid jokes.So they did laugh a couple of times at mine.

We landed at the multiplex at around 9.00 and grabbed the tickets for the 10.30 show.The Calcutta crowd though not as good at Delhi is pretty much decent and I had a pretty tolerable time pass till 10.30 with a veg pizza thrown in.

Now for the movie.

lemme explain the circumstances first.

We were in the second row from the front so i suspected all that we would be able to see would be armpits of amitabh bacchan from down there.And I had to crane my neck up all the time as if i was looking at the Qutub Minar.

And my cell battery had gone spoof by this time so i cudnt message her or recieve hers so that was also eatin me up a little.

But the movie..what do i say..its a piece of fine art.Every single frame of the movie has been crafted so elegantly,its almost surreal.Now I have never liked blogs who give out movie reviews and im not gonna be one of them.But for those who havent watched it , dont miss this one.Its almost one of the finest movies I have ever seen and I really belive this is some serious oscar stuff.

So the movie ended at around 12.45 .we got into cabs and the girls tried to sing on the way back which only served to irritate the driver.I got back to my room and plugged the cell into the charging socket and her messages flowed in .She was worried about my cell being switched off.Neways , i assured her and she is sleeping her beautiful sleep rite now.

So im planning to hit the sack now.Ive got an economics class tommorrow morning but im gonna bunk it now.Its 3.25 in the morning but the movie "BLACK" which i finished watching around 3 hours back still got me with its hangover.Do watch it.

ps - any mensa members out there ? ive got the mensa test on the 9th of Feb .First time for me so donno if i need to read anything for it.

marketing or finance ?

It was a class last week.The bearded professor in the kurta pajama asked casually "How many of you read the Economic Times ?"
.
I remembered the colourful "The Times Of India" copy i left on the bed before leaving the room.And even amongst its "non-management" flavored pages , the sports page interests me most.How unbecoming of an IIM student , eh ?

Anyways , the professor squinted with his mouth agape at the "not-to-the-profs-expectations" number of hands that shot up.

And he regained his normally sarcastic tone and remarked
"looks like most of you want to specialise in marketing ...pretty unambitious lot of wannabe managers".

Now this is what beats me.There is this thing about IIM C atleast , and i dont know about the other B Schools, that marketing is always treated as a poorer cousion of finance as a specialisation.Its almost like a gleaming new sportsbike and a scooter with a torn seat.
How can u compare marketing and finance when all about the stuff they involve is so different ?But its like if one opts for marketing job , the first thought that shoots through the mind of a typical student here is that "so the goof bungled up in the finance jobs ".

I came to IIM C with an inclination towards marketing .And after spending 7 months here , it has only increased.Thats nothing to do with my A in marketing management and C in financial accounting though.

And its the first time I am making a conscious decision regarding my career.When i did my tenth , this name IIT came in from somewhere and pasted itself on my life for the next two years before i could know whatz happening.Not that it was a bad thing to happen.I suspect i was too naive at that time to think of anything so important as my career so it was the right thing to settle for an IN thing , and IIT is an IN thing.I prayed to god to get me into an IIT.But god was on vacation when i took the IIT-JEE and i got a lowly rank of 2828 and had to settle for a lower engineering college.

And then suddenly during my third year in engineering , IIM was the IN thing to be studying for at college.Career launcher and IMS replaced microprocessors and operating systems.
Everybody wanted to be in an IIM.So I thought if everybody wanted it so bad , it must be good , so i tried for it.Now this wasnt a very deliberate decision at that point of time ,but my experience with the "oh-so-interesting" technical subjects and my expertise with them only served to reinforce the decision and by my fourth year of engineering , i was as sure of wanting to do an MBA as Australia is of beating Bangladesh.

But this decision about marketing VS Finance has to be very deliberate and calculated.Because there is no next institute for me.This is it.I am actually gonna do wat i decide now.My summers is in the finance domain , a financial consulting summers at Ernst and Young.I hope I find out enough during it to make a right decision.It better be.

slow and easy

I have always been a little slow.i mean , i dont like to rush things.The huffing and puffing part.I have got these internal speakers which keep beeping "take it easy" every now and then.I always like to do things slowly .

I used to wait at the bus stop to get to my college when i was at Delhi.And these DTC (Delhi Transport Corporation, in case u r from pluto ) buses used to rush past every now and then.And they used to be so jam packed as if the conductor was handing out cash instead of taking it.So i just stood at the bus stop . with my bag slung over my shoulder and watched the buses slow down a little , and a mob of middle aged office goers , young college going junta , teenagers going to school , women going to office to chat all day ,jump over each other to get on.And i just stood there till i got a bus which was relatively more free of humans .


And then when i was at the hostel at DCE ( Delhi College Of Engineering , for those from jupiter), there was this guy at the mess who brought to the table these "rotis" which shed more flour than a flour mill.And if i was in luck , i got the last one left.If it was a normal day , the guy next to me gave me half of his own roti.If it was an unlucky day, i said im on a diet.

And even now at IIM C ,i am one of the last one to amble in to the class with a battered notebook and a pen (in not sure if it still writes ).

I always been like this.Do the guys who rush really enjoy it ?Guess they are better off than me.They get the bus , they get the rotis and they dont have to tell the professor the reason for being late to class.

But can i change myself ? change.it has to be an internal thing .like those internal speakers have to suddenly change from saying "take it easy " to " move urself sloth !".I guess it cant happen.Im not lazy.I do my stuff and do it well sometimes.And i am in control of my life.But I just dont see the point in running so fast.I mean , these things wont get over.I get over with a thing and another crops up. So isnt it better to go a little slow and enjoy urself along the path rather than zooming ahead in a ferrari , if I dont have the time to roll down its windows ?And rushing to where , i dont think this road would end anytime.i dont think its like people get to a point and say " yea, i got it all now ".

so when therz no final destination i see , what do i rush for ?sure i do have my targets and i would achieve them , but i got to do it my way.taking it easy.

I dont know.Maybe ill make a dreadful manager.Am i in the wrong place ? I dont know.But the only way for me is to just move on.normal people may term me slow.But i dont think im slow really.my mind works fine and fast sometimes.Its just that i dont see the point in rushing.