Sunday, January 08, 2006

Kabhi hum apne fone ko , kabhi uss ad ko dekhte hain

Waise to noone is chillaying "abhi , kahan gayab ho gaya tu !! Maloom tere bin roti nahi khayi jaatee thee mujhse !! " , but main ultra deluxe besharmo jaise bata deta hun , I had been busy with the dramatics club play we staged last night . Anyway , forget that , abhi tu apna bajaj scooter utha , go to the nearest magazine stall , buy the new year edition of 'Business today'. Turn around the cover page .You will see my color fotu with my right arm around Priyanka Chopra and left arm around Esha Deol and Mallika Sherawat holding up a table fan to my face and Lara dutta dangling Black Grapes over my head and Amisha Patel standing some feet away with a "Swami jee , mujhe bhee apni seva karnne dijiye na please" expression on her tiny face . Hai allah , me and my rangeen dreams.

Anyway ,if you turn the page , You will come upon an advertisement for a cellphone.

I mean , bhaiyya , the ad says that it is a cellphone . Though it looks like a 4 inch mercedes. I thought the "uee ma , main gayab ho gaya !" wala gadget Anil Kapoor found in Mr.India would be the most complex gadget to be invented. Now I do not. The cellphone in the advertisement has these features - Direct to TV output 2 mega pixel flash camera , 262K color QVGA TFT-LCD , expandable memory slot ,Dual speaker 3D sound , music player ( MP3 , AAC ,AAC+), camcorder and video messaging ( mpeg , h.263 ), piscel document viewer , bluetooth wireless , pictbridge printing and GPRS quadband. Hey raam , yeh fone hai ya mini satellite. Thinking of phones , mujhe flashback yaad aa raha hai bott zoro se.

When I was a little kid , I thought my dad was a photographer. When my nursery teacher asked the kids to name their dad's occupation , I said "mere pappa camera chalate hain". It was only when he pumped a 3 feet lamba vaccine into my mulayam kiddy bottoms that I surely knew that he was a doctor. But to my little brain , he remained a photographer because of his amar prem for photography. Vaccine stabbings and bright red capsules and savlon dabbings happened occasionally. What happened regularly was my dad cropping up with his japanese camera and clicking me and my sister .

My dad has clicked a three year old me splashing happily in a little orange plastic bathtub where I have this "I am nanga !! But who cares !!" expression on my face. He has clicked my two year old sister clutching an empty plastic bag and going 'shopping' on a five year old horse ( me ) , where she has this "jaldi karr ! Chintu sarees pe 50% sale lagee huee hain !" expression on her face. He has clicked a six year old me holding the receiver of our phone to my left ear with a "hey sonali , what are you doing this evening ? Let us meet over a couple of lollipops" expression on my stupid face. I remember the phone in our home at that time. It was black. It had that coiled wire connecting a big banana like receiver to a base heavy enough to outweight Riya Sen .It rang sometimes , with a simple 'Trrring Trrring'. Mostly , it was my mausi who used to chat with ma about Indore wali aunty's new jewellery set or some recipe for a 'never-seen-before' variety of halwa. In spite of these culinary disaster plots , those were telephonically peaceful times.


I got my first cellphone in the second year of my engineering. I still remember that kaali amaavas ki raat , when my dad called me to his room and opened the corner wali puraani almirah to bring it out. I saw it and yelled "uee ma!!" and ran away to hide behind the curtains. It was as big as a extra juicy bumper sized hotdog. The antennae on its top could have been used for pole vaulting over the college gate. When I sat down in the classroom ,with the cellphone in my trouser's pocket , the antennae found its way towards the front part and stuck out. When they noticed that , the boys whispered "idiot. Put that Delhi Police type walkie talkie on the table. The thing is sticking out ". When the girls saw that , they turned red and started turning the pages of their books in disgust . I hated that cellphone. In the final year,I got a new cellphone. This was much smaller and had no antennae. But the damage had already been done by the previous one . Some of the girls in my class still believe it was not the antennae.

*CoMmerciaL BreAk*

I have been looking for the track "Welcome to wherever you are - Bon Jovi". So if you could mail it to me at abhi844@yahoo.com , I shall gift you a colorful mobile cover and a lot of other useless goodies ! Hurry ! Mauka Nikal na jaye !. Sacchi , I want that number badly.

*Back to the damn stupid post*

Since then , a lot of contaminated paani has flown under the bridge. Kai Mausam guzar gaye , kai sardiyan guzar gayi , kai garmiyan guzar gayi, kai patjhad guzar gayi , kai spring guzar gaye , meri colony ke mr.taneja guzar gaye , and mere jeevan se kai cellphone guzar gaye . But I still got a very normal cellphone with no inbuilt megapixel cameras or inbuilt juicer-cum-mixers or inbuilt water dispensers or inbuilt flat screen televisions or inbuilt AK 47s. I dont even recall what is the model number of my handset for sure. For the 'features' part in my masoom gareeb cellphone , it has got a phone book , sms facility ( jispe airtel guys tell me that i can be the next indian idol or have lunch with shahrukh khan by sending L U N C H to 123 ) , and FM radio . I plug in the headphones when I feel the professor is too boring or when I want to look a "subhan allah , what a music diggin cool dude ! Yo maaan ! " types guy. And the phone can make and receive calls too.

I look at it and then at this advertisement before me. It seems I am some stone age animal , born in some stony cave with dinosaurs roaming around in the backyard , and me wearing deer skins as chaddis in routine and tiger skins as party wear chaddis , and using a normal cellphone when the world is moving onto this bhayankar gadget which they call a cellphone. But I think I will survive with this one. Atleast , When I sit down with it in my trouser pockets , it has no 'Bijli ka Khamba' sized antennae to visit awkward places .

51 comments:

Planck said...

Wow! I am first today! Thats an achievement!

Planck said...

Lolz!

//Some of the girls in my class still believe it was not the antennae.

Lolz and lolz and lolz!

Even I am very indigent when it comes to cellphones. So don't worry, you have someone with you!!

Very Funny post as usual.

Raam Pyari said...

hehe.....kisko kya bana kar likhate ho:D:D
lolz...now lemme go catch up on the previous posts i missed!:)
btw, cell fones with sms are rubbish!!!! think of some senior and u will remember why!

!xobile said...

waah kya post maara hai
tere expressions kitne mast hote hain hamesha!

waah!

but mai apne fone(6600) se max santusht hu! tu bhi lele!

@sneha
mujhe beat kar diya :(

@ruchi
Nahiiiiiiiiiiiiiii maatey! yeh kya kar maara!!!! muhjse pehle comment!

pandora said...

kya likhta hai re tu :))))

par ek problem hai...main business today kaise laaon bhaiyya :((...pehle mujhe bajaj scooter laani padegi :((

//I shall gift you a colorful mobile cover and a lot of other useless goodies !

abbe toh der kyun kar raha hai...jaldi gift kar naa!!

PS:tujhe aajkal cellfones ke darawne & bhayanak sapne aa rahe hain kya..jahan dekho wahan fone fone kara raha hai :))))

Sudipta Chatterjee said...

Nahi, I possess a theft-proof mobile phone which you cannot beat. Will post a snap sometime.

LOL @that antenna thingy. But you know what, maybe you should not let your wife know about this post :) Kucch aur doubt kar sakti hai :P

lotus dew said...

ek fone par itni lambi post !!!
i hope tumhe wo ad wala fone jaldi mil jaye (phir to novel likh daaloge naa).

raven said...

abbe if u r in stone age to main kahan hoon - i dont even have a cellphone. ghar phone karne bahar std booth pe jaata hoon :(

Ashish Gupta said...

Whats in a cell!
I still live off my ex-roommate's cell which is as good as urs! I wonder why people need to put all that stuff in a cell phone. better make something better like a notebook or hi-tech stuff and integrate a cell phone into it ;)

Fursat said...

Mere pass bhi phone book and sms wala cell hai..usmein to FM bhi nahi hai :(

anyways..nice post..really really funny..to finally tune update kar hi diya...good boy :)

nice post..

take care

God bless u !

Shreyansh said...

Do u really want the song .. i mean sachhimuch waala really .
Cuz I have got the song , tell me if u really want it , I will mail it to u by tomorrow . Abhi bott neend aa rahi hai. Sacchi :)

sunshine said...

Your fone has one more facility you forgot to mention about. The privelege of hearing a pretty female's voice and of receiving mast sms everyday. CBG.

Himanshu said...

Hey !
writting to you first time..!But use to read regularly.
great post...!!
but what there in cell phone.they are becoming somehing of a prestige..!
anyways...use that antenaa for your television too..!
my dad even had one...which they bought when the cell were new..for a dman big cost..!
so it is something like a vintage..!

dont worry man ...we will organize a vintage cell rally..where the prize will given to one with the biggest anttenna..!

keep posting..these funny stuff..
cia..

Anonymous said...

Kasam uss pakh parwar digaar kee abhinav bhai tum yeh suno .. i got my first cellphone last poornima ki raat and i was all excited abt it and then when i heard my frnds saying tht u can talk to those customer care ppl for free .. maine bhi dial kiya number and after struggling for a while pressing some random numbers to finally talk to a real person on the other side .... this grl picked up the phone and had a damn cute voice she asked what she can do for me .. mann toh kiya aaj disco ka puch hee loon lekin kya bathaon mainu chalam aagayi and i asked her abt some stupid prepaid plans then she said " Aap pinky se baath karr rahe the sir main aapki koi aur sewa karr sakthi hoon " but still i didnt said anything.. wohi naa mainu chalam aagayi :p anyways after tht i used to call these customer care ppl only to enquire abt pinky jee still searching for her kissi ko patha chale toh plz leave a msg yaar .. nice post abhinav bhai the last part was too funny "tiger skins as party wear chaddis" .. lol .... dhatt sharam nahin aathi kaisi kaisi baathe karthe ho :p

~neo~

Ms. V said...

Somehow I think when it comes to cellphones, Man has gone technologically backwards. Forget about the GPRS, MP3 player, video recorder, bluetooth etc. features. Remember the time when cellphones were so big that they could be used as a weapon of defence? One whack with that on the attacker and he'd be out cold. Now that's what I call a cool feature! ;)

Suds said...

Namaskar Abhinav bhai. Sahi post mara hai.. I am still waiting for a cell phone to come with tele porting functionality to upgrade mine. I also have basic phone. Lekin kabhi toh woh Star trek types feature ayega us din mein upgrade karunga..:):):)

Great post...:):) Enjoy

Anonymous said...

Bhai u are still better...my company has given me the reliance's basic LG model which even auto wala's in bangalore have stopped buying and due to losses incurred reliance has stopped manufacturing..so there are ppl worst than u on this earth ;)

ships

arpz said...

:))

aMyth! said...

Like neeti said...
Mere pass bhi phone book and sms wala cell hai..usmein to FM bhi nahi hai :(

but i do love my phone. i can type with my eyes closed or even when am walking n talking with someone ;)

Cellphone are extinct man..almost. Now it's all smartphones! i went to the dealer recently to check out some models, and he showed me nokia's new model..which looked like a shoe-polish brush or something. it had no interface or screen. the guy pulled something and bingo! a mega pix camera.. but still now screen or buttons. i asked him how do i make a call... and he started pulling and pushing a lot of things on it.. after a good 5 minutes..he said "I have no idea sir. it's a new model.. sorry"

Duh!

Shekhar said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Shekhar said...

Unkown to you, I've been constantly facing diplomatic trouble 'coz of you. Why? Take today as an example. Me sitting here in the computer lab where "Silence is Golden, Platinum and Silver ki Amma" rule is followed. Yet, somehow need to laugh since me reading your post.

Too cool post. Only one question. How come almost all of us, irrespective of the gender, have at least one pic where we are in a bathtub with the "I'm nanga!! But who cares!!" look?

Aj said...

Oh-so-big post about a cellphone

Remeber Tata Indicom's ad
"Phone sirf baat karne ke liye hota hai"....Phones are getting smarter,more feature packed.

Being a techy
I like the features they have.

mine is 3300 with 128 mb card whose music can be compared to an ipod with its original headphn.

I am all time hooked to it like my personal walkman cum radio.
I do miss a camera-wala-phone though :)

dotty_pixie said...

hilarious!
im genuinely sorry for the anguish you were subjected to due to your phone's antenna.. i can imagine your trauma.
did you go for counselling?did you hide under the covers?
:D

Shriedhar said...

gud one man..

Tinku said...

At the end of the day all that you use your cell for is to talk and send sms... baki features koi nahin use karta bus chamkane ke liye hain baki features..sasta aur tikau 6610

Tinku

Namrata said...

fundoo as usual..

Jaggu said...

hey dude , cool post as usual..livin up to the humourous precedents of ur earlier ones....
i agree wid ya that cellphones these days have seriously outgrown their basic functionality of simple audio/text comminication between points A & B.....cell phones these days have become indicators of social status nd prestige....the latest,'jazziest' cellphone u have the more cool-n-happenin u r ........
neways i did laugh my ass off @ the followin line in ur post..kudos
//Some of the girls in my class still believe it was not the antennae
well ya...gals do have a thing or two for long nd hard antennae-like objects(7.5 inches is considered as a strong qualifyin benchmark...) ...but unlike antennaes, these objects come natually made but these days artificial prototypes of the natural kind r made ( generally in soft materials) ... i cant imagine them being made in metals ;)...
hey man sorry for leavin a dirty black blot of virgin obscenity on ur otherwise clean as a white printout paper post.....no offences to u nd the chicks who accidently manage to read my comments.....i hope u dont register a decline ur female blog -followin coz of me.....
.....get jiggy wid it 'Jughead'....watever tht meant
catch ya online sometimes...chow

Abhi said...

JAGGU said ~

hey dude , cool post as usual..livin up to the humourous precedents of ur earlier ones....
i agree wid ya that cellphones these days have seriously outgrown their basic functionality of simple audio/text comminication between points A & B.....cell phones these days have become indicators of social status nd prestige....the latest,'jazziest' cellphone u have the more cool-n-happenin u r ........
neways i did laugh my ass off @ the followin line in ur post..kudos
//Some of the girls in my class still believe it was not the antennae
catch ya online sometimes...chow

note by ME - sorry jaggu bhai , had to do it .i dnt like things which make anyone uncomfortable ,and a part of ur comment did , and most of girls who read this blog are my friends and even sisters, not 'chicks'. peace ! :)

Jaggu said...

hey man sorry.....i did have a strong hunch that the final piece of that comment would warrant some trouble ... but i jst adventurously set out testing the waters to see if such comments do find a remote possiblity of existence on ur blog....now i know they dont nd wil take care in the future boss.....trust me ..!!

Uptown Girl said...

It took me 3 days to realize how my cellphone works the first time I used it!
Great post...by the way...I am back!

Cherubin said...

lol...Happy New Year bro :)...your posts magically elevate my mood :)
PS: I've displaying my true self ;)

Cherubin said...

btw..I'm back too :)

divya said...

i use a 3315, the keypad is all screwed up.and the features available are next to nothing. i stick to it only because i`m so addicted to the games on it.. specially snake. i`m almost done with ma exams... 2 more to go. i`ll be back on the net soon and u better make time for me.

mallik said...

Very funny post.I read earlier ones also.
all the best

Jaggu said...

Apologies due for the obsene sleazy comment,
justfied u were wid the displeasure u did vent.

Acting as the devil's advocate if permission granted be,
insanity , albeit for a moment , had taken over me.

hindsight smacks the comment to be grousely cheap,
no more crap talk-a promise i hope to keep.

a big SORRY from my end leaves it all done nd said,
"Mend ur ways"-whispered somethin,conscience i thgt but hey hang on its a FLY OVER MY HEAD.....!!!

Anonymous said...

Dude..Hope you doin kewl. i have been following your Blog, quite for some period of time now. You are funny, yes, but when you Exaggerate it becomes kind of a Drudgery. i am sure you can sound better without the Clich├ęd you. Ciao.. Take Care..

virdi said...

abe Abhinav...
do you know Taranjet Bhamra in IIM-C?? The fat surdar... he is from my school...

just give him a slap from my side... he is from IIT KGP and me from IIT Madras... aapni purani dushmani hai...

V..

Abhi said...

@jaggu - oh come on man !!! im not the kind of guy to break a sweat over such stuff ! u r no culprit n i am no judge.peace !

*hugs* ( Non gay variety )

Abhi said...

and great poem saale ! tu to anu malik hain :D

Jaggu said...

Abhinav bhai..!!pardon my ignorant self but wer is the relation between anu 'copy' malik nd poetry....i jst hope thr was no pun intended in ur intended praise if u thght i just ctrl-C'd nd Ctrl-V'd those lines from someplace .....sirji nacheez kabhi kabhi 2-4 linne likh detha hain dil behlane ke liye....
Anu Malik is an 'inspirational music director'( definite multiple PUNS intended) ........so plzz kindly dont dismiss the originality of my poetical ramblings ( their stupid notwithstanding) by comparing them to 'inspiring' works of Mr Malik......agar aapne Gulzar ka sirf 'G' ya Javed Akthar kaa sirf 'J' likh diya hota tho u'vd have made my day........
Neways kudos to Anu malik..another 'copied' feather in his cap for his own rendention of Kevin Lyttle's 'Turn Me On' featured in the flick Dewaane Huye Pagaal.....
Call me a Jack#$% but atleast am original --- Anonymous

Sayesha said...

Best phone Nokia 3310. Yes yes, the extinct one.

Phone karo, sms karo. Kaam khatam.

Ek hi special feature hai: Kisi par gussa aaye toh uske sar par phone maar do, wahin dher ho jaayega.

All these 'cool' features in aajkal ke phone are naan sense.

Anonymous said...

whats your pagalguy id ?

Bhawna said...

lol lol lol..."uee maa" is that wat u use frequently..dunno from where i stumbled on this page..but now i did..so thot wud read a bit..
read!
found the post quite funny..the fun lovin person that i m.. :p
hope to come back again here..if i get time..

Aviral said...

Mai aur mera telephone....
aksar ye baatien karte hain..

waise ek zamane me mere paas bhi aisa phone tha jise self-defence ke liye bhi use kiya ja sakta ho...

Ramesh said...

Wonderful post indeed. All the best for your placements(Hope they are not over already!)

The Bhandari's said...

hey Happy lohri and Makkar sakranti buddy

Abhi said...

@all of you - thanks for spending some moments of your time saying something to this pathetic and lazy guy who is too lazy to reply to each n every one of you .I am sorry this time.Wont happen again.

Anonymous said...

great post..i can really identify with your situation..
have a thoroughly outdated cellphone model..and friends, romans and countrymen have given me a 100 thousand reasons to change it..but don't understand..spending huge bucks for smthin which i dont need, but should get..
well i will get a new model..but when sm model strikes my fancy a lot :)..not to show off!!
and well that's how it should be for everything in life, right?

-- ruchika

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