Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Fillum Faarmooolas

Do you see a Steven Speilberg in me ? A Sanjay Geela Bhansaali ? Abe dhyaaan se dekh ! Accha I will come a little down , do you see a Mahesh Bhatt in me ? I think you do not.No one does.Not my mom , not my dad , not my dentist , not my professors , not my friends.No one.But when I see in the mirror , I see a couple of oscars sticking out of my ears and six filmfare awards resting on the top of my head.I reallly think I can be a biggy director some day.And this desire of mine has nothing to do with the casting couch.And I have been working hard to be a director too.I have watched a mega number of hindi movies , belonging to the "churidaars-tight pants-eastmancolor" 1960s , the "bell bottoms-angry young man-smugglers" 1970s , the "disco-trying to be western-more disco" 1980s and the "overacting-shahrukh-chocolate-underworld" 1990s .And dad says , everything teaches you something.
I have been writing down some "this-surely-works" formulae which have been adopted universally across the hindi fillum industry.Now I hate to share some of these "faaarmulaaas" unearthed after "Barson kee mehnat" of watching movies.But then I guess you anyways do not have a steven speilberg in you to make any use of these.
-- >>The hero falls off a balcony , or slips in the bathroom , or is beaten by some goons and has to be hospitalised.The little red bulb over the "operation theatre" sign flips on.The heroine and the hero's parents are waiting outside with the looks of constipated camels.The little red bulb goes off , a tired looking doctor comes out , slips the stethoscope off his ears .Then , according to formula no.49 , the doctor should say " Hum ne unhe to bacha liya.But unkee yaddashht jaa chuki hai ." Common cold may be common in real life , but "yaddasht khona" is the commonest in reel life.
-- >>The extra goons are shot at by the hero , they die instantly as instant coffee.Not a sound.Just a little yell and they drop to the floor.One of the good guys is shot at.Then according to formula no.8 , he falls to the floor.Then someone rushes upto the dying person.He takes the dying person's head in his lap and shouts at the top of his voice "Main tumhe marne naheeeee dunga ! Main tumhe haaaspital le jaungaaa!".The dying guy asks him to shut up and then croons a proper three minute farewell speech where he asks the other dude to take care of his sister , girlfriend and dogs.And then the good guy dies.But take note , he would never die with closed eyes.His eyes would remain open.This allows the other guy to close the dead guy's eyes gently and break down with some heartrending music in the background.
-- >>The heroine's pink "dupatta" is caught in a gust of breeze and blows away smoothly.Now technically , this dupatta may get caught in the electricity cables above or land in a pile of cowdung or land in a public toilet or land on gulshan grover , but rule no.15 says , that it will keep flying poetically till it descends magically and wraps itself around the hero. Some real aviation fundaas at work there.
-- >>The hero has been hospitalised.The doctor has mouthed the customary "Inhe dawa naheee , duaa kee zarurat hai".Now the formula number 62 kicks in.The hero would have a Sardaar buddy , a muslim buddy , a christian buddy and a white saree clad mom.The sardaar would run off to his gurdwara , the muslim to masjid , the christian to church and the mommy to a temple , preferably Mata ka mandir.The mommy will yell something like "Tum mera beta mujhse naheen cheen sakti" and proceed to slam her forehead against the temple's main bell repeatedly.And amongst shots of a praying sardaar , muslim , christian and a ketchup-on-my-forehead moomy ,our sonny hero would sleepily open his eyes and whisper "Ma".I think this formula needs more research.It holds mind blowing potential for medical science.
-- >> The hero meets with an "accident" , and his body goes missing , or maybe you find a body which is charred beyond recognition.But a watch is found on the body which makes his mother identify the body as that of her son and then faint. According to rule no 81 , after a few years , the hero will appear with a beard , right on the day when the heroine is going to be married to another guy.So the heroine should promise to marry a second guy , but she would not have to , because the missing hero is going to appear in tattered clothes , on that very day anyways.So the moral of the story - if the body aint found , or maybe found as burnt as a burnt sandwich , he is not dead.
-- >> The hero is a little kid still.His dad is a school teacher , named something like Master Deenanath.Everything can go on smoothly .The hero can grow up and his dad can be go on to be the school principal.But formula no.25 says otherwise.The very fact that dad is a "Imaandaar" school teacher makes it imperative that the dad would die.He would most probably stand up against some big builders who want to raze down the school and build a five star hotel there.And then the goons come home and murder mr.daddy and mrs.mommy while our little hero hides behind the flower pots and makes a mental note of the killer's faces.He has to ,after all , grow up and avenge his folk's killings .But that will happen right at the climax.
Well , there are some 838273 more of these in my "filllum faaaarmoola notebook".But I cant type in more.Got to go and sign up Shahrukh for my first movie.And sacchi bata yaar , dont you see a director in me ? Dhyan se dekh na !

41 comments:

Dreamcatcher said...

Yes yes we all have immense faith in you and when you win the Oscars you can thank all of us in the acceptance speech.

Sayesha said...

Hahahahahaha! :D

I dun see a Sanjay Leela or a Mahesh Bhatt in you. I certainly see an Arshad Warsi though! :P

Sahil said...

Sanjay Geela?!?! hahaha please tell me that was a typo!

Fathima said...

Hey, thune gaanaa naachnaa miss kar dhee. Uske binaa tho hindi fillum nahi ban sakthaa yaar!

Sudipta Chatterjee said...

And how about 'Kutte kamine mai tera khoon pee jaaunga'?? Or maybe the baddies getting one rap on their knuckles by the heroine and fainting like a bad case of anaemia? :D

munni bhadurgarh waali said...

motih,

pehle kya kam tortures hain jo tu ek aur taiyaar hai line main?

tere 838273 ideas apne paas he rakh..otherwise all ur blog readers will commit sucide and there will be no cure of this disease/damage ;)

Miss Sea said...

I noticed this one thing. The restaurant where there begins a food slinging match. Surprisingly, everyone has dishes with white cream preparations in them!!!! I mean WTH?!

And director chod, aisi posts likhega to comedian ka bhi chance jaayega.

btw, my bloglines caught a "this will end soon" kind of post which isn't here. take a break if u want...but dont give us cliched posts ;)

amit said...

abe woh scene bhool gay

heroine dances in front of whole villain gang to save hero's life with hero tied to sumthing n at the end of song sum angelic figure appears n open's hero's ropes n then hero who looked like a timid rabbit till now, goes on smashing everbdy arnd...

also try watching some rajnikant's movie to get different feel of action scenes...

Fathima said...

Yeah, if u c Tamil movies too, u can get a lot of faarmoolas.
Heroine will b abt to get married to the villain(u wud have seen this situation alone in "Daai akshar prem ke" also).

priya said...

i see a jhonny lever :p
..p..

suraj said...

Got this as forward will paste it here since i think its quite hilarious ...rajni fans forgive me..
Why Newton Committed Suicide.....?
Once, Newton came to India and watched a few Tamil movies
that had
his head spinning. He was convinced that all his logic and laws in physics
were just a huge pile of junk and apologized for everything he had done.
In the movie of Rajanikanth, Newton was confused to such an
extent
that he went paranoid. Here are a few
scenes..................................
1)Rajanikanth has a Brain Tumor which, according to the
doctors can't
be cured and his death is imminent.In one of the fights, our great
Rajanikanth is shot in the head. To everybody's surprise, the bullet passes
through his ears taking away the tumor along with it and he is cured! Long
Live Rajanikanth!
2) In another movie, Rajanikanth is confronted with 3
gangsters.Rajanikanth has a gun but unfortunately only one bullet and a
knife. Guess, what he does? He throws the knife at the middle gangster? &
shoots the bullet towards the knife. The knife cuts the bullet into 2 pieces, which kills both the gangsters on each side of the middle gangster & the
knife kills the middle one.
3) Rajanikanth is chased by a gangster. Rajanikanth has a
revolver but no bullets in it. Guess, what he does. Nah? not even in your remotest
imaginations.
He waits for the gangster to shoot. As soon as the gangster
shoots,Rajanikanth opens the bullet compartment of his revolver and catches the
bullet. Then, he closes the bullet compartment and fires his gun. Bang...
the gangster dies...

This was too much for our Newton to take! He was completely
shaken and decided to go back. But he happened to see another movie for one last
time, and thought that at least one movie would follow his theory of physics.
The whole movie goes fine and Newton is happy that all in the world hasn't changed. Oops, not so fast!
The 'climax' finally arrives. Rajanikanth gets to know that
the villain is on the other side of a very high wall. So high that Rajanikanth can't jump even if he tries like one of those superman techniques that our heroes normally use. Rajanikanth has to desperately kill the villain
because it's the climax.
(Newton dada is smiling since it is virtually impossible?)

Rajanikanth suddenly pulls two guns from his pockets. He
throws one
gun in the air and when the gun has reached above the height of the wall,
he
uses the second gun and shoots at the trigger of the first gun in air. The
first gun fires off and the villain is dead.








Newton commits suicide..



--

Zarine said...

ROFL @ Suraj's comments :)).

Boy,Abhinav urs is one blog where the comments are as intresting as the posts themselves! :D

the_free_soul said...

n dude this 1 shud be in ur book.....the villian has kidnapped the heroin to revenge the hero,of sum childhood quarrel...and rite when he is about to rape the heroine..the hero recieves a telepathy bout thier whereabouts,and makes it with/without a gun to the villians "adda" and rescues the heroine just b4 her clothes r fully o8........and the police reaches late bcoz of slow transportation as compared to the hero walking or jogging thru the street..............i wondered all my childhood ,how these goons cant rape a gal successfully ane never got to see the whole episode in a hindi fillum b4 i saw sum stuff here on LAN.

Archana said...

Suraj,
That was awesome dude!!! I cant stop laughing!!!

Nila said...

Go Abhinav...Go! I see a ManiRatnam in you .;-)

ahaan said...

The way ur writing stuff is going ull surely win oscars for best script ..

Shayon™ said...

Hmm...temme something, dude. Do you really wanna people to see Sanjay "Geela" Bhansali in you? :-D Hehe!!

Cheers.

abhinav day shayamalan said...

@dc : tell me the name of your pet dog if you have one.Ill thank him too!

@sayesha:ailla circuit of munnabhai mbbs.hes my fav man.im honored.crankiness is my religion.warsi is my god.

@sahil: well i typed leela.n it hit me tat it rhymed with geela.so i went back n made it geela.other options were peela and neela.

@fathima: Ha Ha .:)ur attempt at writing in hindi looked real cute fathima !thune gaana naachna miss kar dhee.he he.always comment in hindi on my blog.:)

@sudipta:"kutte kameene" stunt has been copyrighted by dharam paaji yaar.n with sunny n bobby to help him , im not taking any pangaas with the deols.

@munni behan: chutkee , india kee aadhi population ko mere blog ka torture maar dega.n im sure baaki aadhe tujhse nahee bach payenge.specially buddhe over 40!:P.

@TT : Arre O patjhad ke patte , main jo dil karega likhunga.padna hao to pad nahi to bansi baja.:p.kiddin oye TT , ill try to improve.:)

@amit: yaar wo hero hamesha gaana end hone ke baad hee kyun harkat karta hain ?

@fathima:kya baat kartee hai ? heroine married to the baddy ! then whom does the hero marry , the director ? ;)

@priya:now u r not getting my autograph wen i grow up to be a big director.johnny lever.hmphhh.

@suraj : lol.yeah.rajni baba gives a damn to physics.jai rajni baba ki.

@zarine : so am i too stupid , or the guys puttin in the comments are too smart ?

@freesol :yaar agar police pehle aa jati to hero aakar kya ghanta bajata ? :p

@archana : heloooo.helooooooo.yuhooooo.nebdy home ? u liked the comment ? wat abt my khoon paseene ki bani huee post ?

@nila : hailla ! you support me ! theek hai buddy , one special pass to the premier show of my movie for you.popcorn bhee milega.n u sure u see a ratnam , not a sanjay "nila" bhansaali ? :p.jus kiddin buddy.:)

@ahaan : nai nai nai nai script nai mujhe director banna haiiii! mummy mummy mummy!!!!

@shayon : geela ke peechu kee story has already been clarified in the reply to sahil.waise naam mast hai re tera-shayon.sounds coool.

Archana said...

Abhinav,
Dhyaan se dekhi, khoon pasina se bhari hui thi...isliye comment nahin kiya! Farhan Akhtar kahu ya koi don? Your sweat and blood ya kisi aur ka??

sona said...

hey bro

ur stint on movies is awesome..:)
these 'ghise pite ' still works on box office n television...kumbh k mele me kho gaya bhai n Maa mere sath hai works, wen hero is in trouble, heroine sees that in a dream n shout...nahiiiiiiiiin...
god its to much but still i watch these movies n m surely watch urs...but take AB Bby n me opposite each other...so its deal..:)
tc

angelsera said...

if u actually come abt to making a movie as hilarious as this post,
...I will def watch it :D

Anonymous said...

suraj

//newton commits suicide

If i ever watch these movies, I wud prob do the same....

Nila said...

U sure u wanna change ur name to Abhinav "nila" bhansali .;-)

abhinav "neela" bhansali said...

@archana:Archana , today you have ridiculed me.made fun of me.( breaking voice)...

But a day shall dawn when people shall be chasing me.N nah , those people wont be the "police" !:P

@sona : sister , I have a magnificent script bubbling in my head.it will star AB baby , brad bitt , johnny depp , leonardo di caprio and antonio banderas.And tera lead role hai usmein , as the sister of all five of them !:P.bol kaam karegee na behana !:)

@angelsera: subhan allah!so we have audience bookings coming in now !angel beta , bata kahan kee ticket katoon , balcony or front stall ? hurry before its a house full !

@anon : wat do u mean by "if i ever watch these movies" ...you havent watched these kinda movies ? and i thot "angrez" had left india in 1947.bhaiyya these movies are the real indian fillums.

@nila:I have already.just look above at the name these replies are posted in.:p.but i am using a neela in place of nila.now u cant even sue me on some flimsy copyright issue !:)

freakzoid said...

Arre mujhe to koi lage na lage but ek zaroor lagta hai "David Dhawan"
Tu ultimate nonsense movie bana sakta hai jo kissi ko samajh nahi aayegi but fir bhi log haste rahenge.

sona said...

hey bro
aaaaaaaaaah....bhai se ek roll manga aur badle me bhai hi de diya.nahin..i wnt forgive u....take tom hanks also n atleast mk him run after me....:):)
tc

abhinav bhatt said...

@freakzoid :kya re ? bott logic wali fillum banaunga main.social message bhee dunga.:p

@sona : ok , hanks tere peechey hankey lekar bhagega , but tabhi tere paancho bhai aakar uska casio baja denge.chinta na kar , thare bhai thare paas kisi hero ko na aan denge.:p

Harsh said...

Yes it is a pity many filmamakers hardly give lose a thought over the story of a movie and simply source it from somewhere and call it inspiration .. the more puzzling thing for me has always been that why do they not think about a good story before making a movie .. coz movie making is real hardwork.. i have experienced it coz i have made a documentary and a short film .. and it is not at all an easy task .. in fact conceptualising the story is the easiest part of the whole process.. so i never understand why they let so much effort go waste by not having at least a decent storyline..

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