Thursday, August 04, 2005

A fear of myself

Once upon a time , I went home.....wait a minute...I am sick of this grandma style opening.Forget once upon a time.Lets restart.
Last october , I went home during the Durga puja.When you go home after staying at a hostel for months , everybody acts nice.Mom cooks what I like.Dad doesnt nag me about getting a haircut.Sister lets you have the remote.Even the neighbourhood Mrs.bhatia who is usually as grumpy as a crocodile manages to pretend a smile and coo "oh munnu , vacations ? How is calcutta ? any girlfriend there...haaaaaa".She winks mischeviously as she mouths the girlfriend part.That makes my tummy churn.But all in all , for that one week of October , life was as cool as 2 feet by 2 feet room fitted with 13 air conditioners.
One day , during those October vacations , I was sprawled on the drawing room floor.I was watching POGO channel on the Television.Ok.My parents dont read this blog.I was watching FTV.That stands for fashion TV.Its about fashion and clothes.I focus on the clothes , not on the pretty models wearing them.Trust me.Anyways , just then the phone rang and mom got it.It was mom's sister , my 'mausi'.Now dont you understand 'mausi' ? Maybe you grew up in California.Anyways , in our country , India , we call mom's sister "mausi".Namaste.
So mom and her sis caught up with all the normal talk while I watched Pogo , waiting for the call to end so that mom goes away and I dive back into the world of waxed legs and exposed navels on FTV.And then this happened.

Mom (on phone , to mausi ) : What ? ......why ?
Mausi ( on phone , to mom ) : ........( me to you) wait a minute , how am I supposed to know what she said from the other side ?
Mom ( on phone , again to mausi ) : He just turned 23...But why ?
Mausi ( on phone , to ..i dnt believe it ...mom ) : ....( me to you).I told you guys, I dont know !
Mom ( on phone , to mausi ) : What ! Oh no seema ...noh....he ..he...hehehe...hes still a kid , he has to complete his MBA...
It was about my marriage.Some friend of ma's sister had some daughter.It was like I had just received an email from god with the subject line 'from boy to man".I agree that 23 is anyways too early an age which makes marriage sound more like child mariage.But that was the moment when it first struck me that marriage is no longer something which happens to big brothers .Marriage is no longer something which I attend as a guest , it may just happen to me.Anyways , mom mercilessly drove the scooter of my first marraige proposal in a brick wall.I still dont know anything about that girl.But whoever she is , she is for me what a first ever customer is to an auto driver.
Things changed radically soon after that strange day in October.When I went home in the March of 2005 , I did not wait for any phone calls.We got home from the airport , and within forty minutes I had told my parents all about "her".
I have read 'Who moved my cheese?'.It says change is inevitable.So here I change , as I am tired of addressing "her" as "her".It makes things so complicated .I am typing about my grand mom and in the next line i somehow graduate to "her" and some people dont get the subtle change and end up knowing that I wanted to marry my grand mom.So for the rest of this post , "her" would be addressed as madonna.The choice of this pseodu-name stems from the fact that the guy in adjecent room is playing frozen by madonna.Anyways , I told my parents madonna was the girl i wanted to marry.For someone like me to say something like that to my parents , its like a tibetan monk asking for some beer at a pub.What followed were perhaps the most topsy turvy days of my life so far.I save the story for another day.
And now that she is a series of black and white photographs pasted in my "golden memories" album, I see my marriage as being an arranged one.We will probably visit the girl's home , where I would drink some coffee , smile at the girl and look at her stupid little brother.And I will tell her about my days with madonna , even if that makes my dad pull out a gleaming bazooka and blow my head off. If I expect her to share my life , she has every right to know my life.And in a way , I think my experience with madonna has transformed me from a bubbly and reckless boy to a slightly more mature and considerate one.My opinion of myself as a human being has taken a dent in the one moment I left her alone when I promised to be with her, and I want to improve this opinion by making the girl I marry feel happy every day of her life.I am scared of hurting people now .I know how bad and wrong I can be .And I want to prove it to myself that I may be weak , but I am not evil.
I gave her a lot of sorrow , but gave myself a fear of myself , a fear of me hurting someone ever again.
I am a 83 old guy seated on a rocking chair in home's bedroom.I am watching FTV on the TV.Then my 79 year old wife staggers into the drawing room leaning on a wooden stick.I am too old and slow by now to flip the channel to POGO the way I used to as a 23 year old.And she anyways is old and weak sighted to make out the difference between FTV and POGO.I get up with my aching joints , find my way towards her without managing to fall , hold her hand and walk her to the chair.I make her sit on the chair gently .And then she looks up at me , straining her eyes to have a good look and then says in a frial old voice "You know , I have had a good life with you".and If that happens, maybe I will know that though I was weak at some points of my life , I was never evil.I will always remember that last phone call to "her" , when I told her its not possible for us to be together and cried like a kid at a public phone booth.But if at the end of my life , my weak sighted and old wife thinks I helped her live a good life , maybe then I will know that I was not that bad a human being , after all.

36 comments:

u no who... said...

chapadganjoo

suraj said...

abhi agree with u ....act it wud be great whn at the end of our life our wife wud say tht she did enjoy her life with me...i dont think there wud be any more triumphs thn tht....

chandan said...

HI!
i have also got nature like you........he you....just kidding... it`s personal why r u reading............again joking...He am i made u serious? ........sorryy.......R U like it avi (mydays with myself)?Then mail in my mailbox chandan_loveudear@catlover.com..........................byeeeeeeeeeee

ANGEL_NIDHI said...

hey abhinav!!
pj k alava u r gud at writing senti stuff too .. :| .. the post was gud.. :) .. jaise hamesha hota hai.. :) may god bless u .. madonna n ur wife.. :P .. bbye tc :)

bbye

priya said...

well i dunno the reasons y u and madonna are not together tday.. but since im in a relationship too i can see where u stand now.. coz my family too is gonna erupt wen i open the topic.. i wish there is a day wen love marriage actually blends with family in India on a larger scale than jus confining love marriage permissable among celebrities.. i hope i m alive wen our country undergoes the transition.. :-)
..p..

Sudipta Chatterjee said...

Abhinav, the part about the transition from my big-bro's wedding to my own wedding was good. I actually am living through it :P. BTW, do tell us about what happened on those fateful days when Madonna was announced to come and say "Namaste" in your house. Well said in the end, I must say... that is a good goal to set for yourself.

Arnav said...

Nice transition from comedy to family drama...you do have a bright future after all...a novel, or at the very least a screenplay for a masala movie! Or is the latter the better option of the two? Anyway, that's one thing most people in your (and my) age-group would be experiencing these days...I mean the phone calls from mausis/buas/chachis/padosans/old-friends.

Brilliant post! (I should probably get used to writing that statement for every post of yours)

Anat said...

hey abhinav,
love teacher people a lot of things.... and the first thing is that it gives rise to emotions which u never knew even existed inside u.
hope ur dream comes true and u live a very content life with ur wife and face all ups and downs, hapiness and sadness together, hand in hand.....

sona said...

hi abhinav

kahan se start hue aur kahan jaa pahuche..:)
making sumone close to u happy till the end of life is a great thought n u r a nice guy today also..u dnt hv to jump to future to show it.
vaise wen r u going to be old to get married...i hv my big di also..:):):)

amit said...

abe yaar bahut senti hota jaa raha hai tu.

Babloo said...

HEY!!WHATS WRONG WITH SEEING POGO???

the_free_soul said...

dude r u frust ..how can u watch FTV at 83...therewud be free porn on tvs by tht time

virdi said...

senti kar diya yaar.. full senti..
V..

aDiTyA said...

'And I will tell her about my days with madonna'
you've pasted me left and right. I bend to thou O great O*****e!! Really, second part of the post was moving (even for a coldhearted killer like me!)

~I don't share your sense of humour so the part before that sentence didnt really matter

~~keep it flowing

ahaan said...

abhinav yaar ,
watching FTV at 83,sounds great at least no body will object then and man ur grandsons r gonna have a gala time with u.....

Anyways dude yeah it surely means a lot to hear somebody say words like that at 83.....

bunnu said...

abe luv guru tera "her" waala lafda khatam nahi hua kya.saale shaadi kab kar raha hai?

Vidhi said...

abhinav...i understand that episode has given immense pain to the two of u.

reading abt the phone call where u told her u cant be together nemore, i was painfully reminded of R...his way of telling the same thing (the first time) was thru a mail. i am blissfully happy with Saahil, but the pain i experienced that day, when the ground appeared to hv vanished from beneath my feet, is still fresh in my memory...

Vaibhav said...

so? you didn't marry Madonna due to parental opposition or what!?!

PS: ah.. yet another line i never thought i'd say...

dreamz said...

The other day I had an argument with my roomie.I said noone does anything wrong intentionally. It's just a difference in perspective. Every body has a valid reason for every step taken which others may or may not approve.She countered me saying that every body is aware of his/her conduct. Ppl do wrong knowingly and deep in their heart they feel guilty.
Do u think it was a wrong decision tht u took?Do u feel u wud have been a better human and ur life wud hv been better had u taken up the other path? If no, then why do u feel guilty?
U've got just one life buddy and this is ur life. Do wht u want think is right.Don't collect grudges and guilts.

I said...

Bhai...

Unintentionally u r gng in depression (i feel so)...come out of it..its over...u know ur mistake and u realise what u have done..so why to worry now...just dont repeat ur mistakes..and never hurt anyone again...u r cute munnu :)

and who is Harsh?

Ms. V said...

No comments from me this time.

abhinav said...

@u no who :thats what i call a short n sweet comment.

@suraj : yeah its cool.much better than my wife telling me she enjoyed her life with the neighbour.

@chandan : chandan_loveudear@catlover.com.this is his id.my blood chills.someone knows a cheap hiding place ?

@nidhi :Thank you sister.may god bless you too.u r good too , atleast in the PJ deptt.

@amit : kaun kambhaqt kehta hai kee hum senti hoon.are dil nahee faulaad hai.

@babloo : babloo baba , read the post with ur glasses on yaar.

@free soul : i told you.its not about flesh.i focus on the clothes and fashion stuff.

@virdi: virdi sambhaal apne aap ko bhai.nahee to main bhee ro padunga.

@adi : do i see some sarcasm in there ? i thot i wanted to fry me alive fr writing this blog.

@ahaan : they sure will.im gonna tell my grandsons all about girls.n i hope they will get me a girlfriend from their college.

@bunnu : ekdum finisss hai bhai.namrata kee kasam.ekdum finiss.n tu kya bol raha hai devdaas ke student , apne garebaan mein jhaank doorbeen laga kar .

@vidhi : i know.i see a part of neha in you.u know the pain i gave her.i hope i never have to face you , u may just want to drive a truck over me.

@vaibhav : neither did I.i never thot i wud have to answer why i did not marry madonna , of all people.

@dreamz : i understand buddy.n im not left all restless and twisting in my bed coz of these memories.im kinda fine.i am.:)

@shipra : are didi , me n depression ? banglaadesh can win the world cup but i fallin in depression , asambhav.im really fine.n am i cute ? wait a minute , why am i goin red in the cheeks.is this wat we call blushing ?n harsh kahan se a gaya scene mein ? harsh ?

@vidya : silly girl.u cud have said universal things like "it will be all right " .
























@priya:im waiting fr that day.to see my daughter run off with the driver and marry him in a temple ..thats what im waiting for.it wud be a good day.

@sudipta:"madonna in gurgaon".the episode wud be telecast some time soon.it sure was one colorful time.

@arnav :ill prefer the movie thing than to a novel.no novelist gets to work with mallika sherawat and aishwarya rai.a bhatt house production starring mallika sherawat.n i wud write the screen play fr free fr that brother.

@anat :same to you too anat.i wish u go thru life hand in hand with my..err..ur wife.

@sona :thanx sonika.n i want to get married right after writing this sentence , but ma says im still a kid.

smita said...

i hope one day u write- "and they lived happily ever after.."

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

I think you are a loser and whatever shred of guilt you feel should be compounded by a loveless marriage. You sad, pathetic SOB. Uh would the potential 79 year old have paid some dowry, perchance?

abhinav said...

@smita : i hope so too smita.

@anon 1- the link really doesnt work , i think.

@anon 2 - I respect your opinion.

abhinav said...

@anon 2 - i thot about this.some people will always love me , some will always be indifferent and some will always hate me.U just complete the spectrum.I am not amazed by your comment.This is the world.

Ms. V said...

Anon... screw you.

Leon said...

I read this after reading the post "Using the moments". I'm touched.. I'm a christian and had to go through pretty much the same thing because of religious reasons..

But I like to think I could be happy with any girl who's basically good at heart and that is a consoling factor..

Anonymous said...

Dude, you write one helluva blog and I think most people would agree. This particular one reminded me of the time Vesuvius erupted in my own backyard (err..it was my parents' bedroom, to be more precise) when I announced my relationship. Been through hell since then. To be honest, I'm still going through one. But, the one thing that helps me keep my sanity is....you guessed it......POGO !!! :)

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Shazia said...

Abhinav, I have been reading your blog like a 'novel' every night before going to sleep. Till now i have finished reading all your posts from the beginning to july 2005. It seems like a journey...a journey towards knowing an unknown person. I just wanted to tell you that there is something common between our lives. One fateful day, all of a sudden, i recieved a call from somebody i loved and he said exactly the same words as you did, from that public phone booth.
I m glad that you took this whole episode (which happened 4 years back) seriously. I can see the remorse you felt...feels good that a guy does have feelings.

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