Thursday, July 07, 2005

Empty

When I was a little kid ,I thought adults lead the most cool life.I never saw my dad learning multiplication tables of 2 to 16.I never saw mom have to learn about the Maurya empire and the guys they screwed in wars.Parents could watch TV whenever they want.They could be awake till late night.And being a doctor's son has some lovely downsides to it.We had a ready collection of injections at home.A minor neck sprain was seen as a brain haemmorhage in making.Every little nick on my knee was seen as a tetanus case in making and my shorts pulled down and one of the injections pumped in as I pleaded innocence.So i wished i would grow up fast to stop them from pulling down my shorts whenever they want.

But in spite of shorts pulled down , there is something very cool about being a kid.When you are a kid , life is like an unopened box.You dont know what will come out of it.Maybe chocolates , maybe spiders , maybe rabbits , maybe a little doll ,maybe toilet paper.And that gives a very beautiful sense to a kid - a sense of wonder.It is not the same as worry.The kid is still not old enough to worry about if his future son would smoke marijuana or about his future wife's beauty parlour expenses.So he does not view any situation and runs a little mental calculator and think -"hmm.so this would increase the income tax i pay by 2354 bucks".A kid is just a kid.He has no forlorn memories and no worries of the future.He just views the fun going around him with awe and amazement.A ride on daddy's shaky red scooter amazes him.A fly on the table amazes him. Cigarette butts lying on the street attracts him.Atleast I was attracted by them when I was a kid.

And he aint an mba or doctor or engineer or fashion designer or a gangster or a barber yet.A kid can imagine he would grow up and be anyone.He can imagine becoming a firefighter and rescuing young girls from a girls hostel on fire and then walking off into the sunset will all of them.He can imagine becoming a cricketer and hitting 147 off 93 balls and then grab 5 wickets for 11 runs to help India win the world cup.He can imagine becoming a Bill Gates and wipe his running nose with dollar notes.All that I can imagine now is working my smooth ass off at some airconditioned office , and come home to watch some late night movie on HBO and crashing to the bed.
Im living like im watching a jim carrey movie for the 21st time.Im enjoying it , but I know whats coming next.Or maybe I am not interested in whats coming next.The life box has been opened and I know life is nothing more than an alternation of sweet chocolates and awful medicines.I have had heartbreakingly difficult times.Like the time that itchy brown stray dog on my street chased me along the length of six houses and finally bit me.Ive seen amazingly good times.Like the time our colony maintainance guys grabbed that itchy brown dog and and took him away in a truck .Its like a sagacious attitude has descended upon me like - I know what life can do to me.Its like I feel every victory or defeat is trivial.Because life is just a prime time slot given between birth and death.whatever we achieve here aint so important , is it ?
All the boyish things which seemed fun to me some time ago seem ...well...boyish to me now.All this pretension and jealousy and ego around is making me turn away from some people.I am turning more and more of a private person.I spend hours in my room with music.I was never after material things.I never had any dreams of flat plasma televisions with surround sound or those long black cars which have six doors.All i used to dream was of a happy and close family life.But lately I am starting to see all relations as a source of attatchment and misery in the long run , and thats a scary and empty feeling to have.I love my parents and sister and a few other people.But I feel too much attachment causes pain to all.I care a lot for them but I dont want to possess anyone now.I would give my life for them , I dont want to own their lives.I just want to let go.I just dont want to cling to anything.Maybe I fear losing it.Sometimes I feel I have forgotten to love.Sometimes it seems I have found what true love is only now.People say I am turning away from them.I feel I am turning in to myself.
Some people spend their lives searching for what they want.Some people spend their lives searching that what it is that they want.I just live each day and dont even want to search because I feel I just do not want anything.
Life is peacefully empty.I do not know if I want it to change.Something needs to be different maybe.I am not sure,Maybe I need to shake up the kid in me.The life box needs to throw up something i dont know.I need to redisover the sense of wonder .I think ill start by redeveloping an interest in cigarette butts lying on the street.

12 comments:

karthika said...

hey life is full of surprises dude..sometimes gud and sometimes bad..its just some hope about bad things getting gud that keeps us all going..
so let us all enjoy it learn to tackle it..
***i liked the part wen u wrote of being a firefighter and rescuing girls.:)))))

Harsh said...

Life is a continuous process of self-discovery...A kid is afraid of nothing but as one grows up he deveolps various fears and apprehensions..after that it is a process of finding a way out of all these inhibitions one harbours and try living life to the fullest. The scary part of these inhibitions is that it kills ur awareness of the surroundings. I am afraid that one day i might lose the ability of enjoying and being concious of the breeze blowing against my face, the raindrops falling ,hearing my mom sing in the kitchen and so many other little things that bring me pleasure.
Great post..you express yourself well. Hopefully you will find an answer to your questions soon..

Anonymous said...

I feel one feels truly appreciated when ppl from the street stop to acknowledge his work. So here is possibly your first Anonymous comment from a guy on the street, who arbitrary stumbled onto ur blog and really liked it :)
Hope to cya someday@IIMC

Ms. V said...

I guess once we start having to take care of ourselves, the fun is gone! The part I miss the most is yelling "mummmmmmmmmmmmmmy".

So, how "smooth" are we talking here??? ;)

Anonymous said...

hey dude, u know something ur still a kid ( idunno if ull feel good or bad bt that)..how old r u? 23-24-25...uve been dependent on ur parents all ur life..now when u graduate, ull realize how much of life u hve to see..my advice - take a job in a different city form where ur parents live atleast for a coupla yrs to realize how much u have to learn yet..

Miss Sea said...

As long as you don't touch them or put them in ur mouth Beta! (cigarette butts is what i am talking about)

U now the interesting bit? U may think u have succeeded in making ur life empty...or ur life full, but suddenly something will happen that will change all that. And when u recover from whatvever it is that hit u, u will just shrug and say "That's Life".

The point being that u may think u have figured it all out and there are no surprises left but it ain't so dude, and it can never be. :)

Anonymous said...

hi

u knw its not such dat kids dnt hav tention, whn u r a kid d fact dat ur frnd hav a heman n u dnt hav is, n ur parnts wnt u 2 cum 1st 2 get it is a biggr tention dan gettng in2 an iim or payng less tax.
u r scared 2 death whn u realize u've soild ur bst party frock in mud n ur maz gonna yell at u!!!

The form of tentions hav changd,bt evrythng else is same

n its alwayz bttr 2 keep d glass empty dan u hav scope 2 fill it till d brim. i knw u dnt trust relations nemore coz of dat one thorn dat has cum in ur life.

but trust me life is beautiful n worth njoing evrymomnt, evn w.o some people, she is unlucky she dnt got ur luv, u dnt hav 2 punish ur slf for dat dear.

bi n dnt wrry i'll b chill durng my mock on sunday.

take care n study hard 4 ur mid terms ,u hav 2 get gud grades, nt for ur parnts,nt 4 nebdy else bt coz u once wanted it most.

neha.

abhinav said...

@karthika:life seems a surprise only wen one is rigid about expectations.i dnt even expect anything , wonder how it can surprise me.neways , im njoying the ride.

@Harsh:i dont know if i need any answers buddy.

@Anon:thanx man.iim c waits fro you:)

@Ms.V : smooth as a marble.at very reasonable rates too;).dnt mind buddy.but u started it:)

@Anon:I know I havent seen much of the world but wat can i learn out of this ? any situation just boils down to the same underlying feelings.i dnt consider umderstanding how this world works very interesting.

@TT :the one suprise i got is the vanishing of comments on TT's blog.yeh kya hua dost ?

@neha :i dont know if that was a thorn or not.but that experience has changed my attitude about some things a lot.just remember no pressure on sunday.take each question as it comes .a long journey is made by putting each step carefully.all the best dost.

Akanksha said...

i guess i was late in reading this master piece.....yes i am ...but must say...hvnt come across such a touching post evr
...but just the way you say....tension or no tension....kid or not a kid...money or no money...just make it a point to stay HAPPY!..i have learnt it from you...now dnt ask me to teach it back!!

mithi said...

lol!!!!
keep G.S.O.H. (gud sense of humor) alive...always in ur life..

i dont at all think u r a kid..
u choose to b a kid at the same time u dont shrug away from ur responsibilities...
as humans as we become adults ..the innocent part in us keeps on getting shrinked ..which makes our lives much more void...
keeping this innocency alive is vat i learn from u ...

mithi said...

lol!!!!
keep G.S.O.H. (gud sense of humor) alive...always in ur life..

i dont at all think u r a kid..
u choose to b a kid at the same time u dont shrug away from ur responsibilities...
as humans as we become adults ..the innocent part in us keeps on getting shrinked ..which makes our lives much more void...
keeping this innocency alive is vat i learn from u ...

Anonymous said...

Excellent, love it! » » »